No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

It's Driving Miss Daisy.....(with benefits... Ew)

Dear Lord. After all he's put you through that dinner must be right up there with the front runner. And his bloody parents. How needlessly cruel. How coldly cynical to use their position as grandparents to try to massage his appalling behavior into the fake normality of a family meal. Family??? How can it be family?? Are they seriously trying to just airbrush you out of the picture? I am so sorry this is happening you. I just hope there's enough karma out there to crush him, her AND his parents

@Gingerloaf @LivelyMintViper sorry I seemed to have missed something! what is this about grandparents and a family meal????

I didn't mean Christmas, you mentioned NY.
I just imagine it is really wounding when the parent that blows things up and then start organising social get togethers like it is perfectly normal.
It gives me the rage to think about.
I really hope your in laws haven't included her. Unfortunately it is often exactly what happens, even in long relationships. The parents move on from their sons awful infidelity and back them. Unbelievable.

My friend had a lovely relationship with her inlaws and was very kind to them over 15 years.
Her BIL had an affair and treated her lovely sister in law really poorly.
His parents totally backed him.
My friend was so beyond stunned, she couldn't believe how callous they were.

She supported her sister in law who moved 2 hours away, back to her home town.
She has a completely different relationship 10 years on from this.
It changed how she saw them and she told her husband she was no longer interested in spending time with or around them, he was 100% on his own.
She never hosted them again.

Her MIL did try to talk to her and explain that they were just supporting their child.
My friend said that unfortunately for THEM she could not unsee their treatment of her sister in law and that it had changed her feelings for them.

Interestingly her husband has only one brother, so she told me AND him, she had zero intention of running after them in the future knowing how she might be treated by them should her husband have an affair.
So she is really not involved at all bar an occasional visit, for many years now, despite living 15 minutes away.

His other woman ran off a few years later with a colleague and they never see their other grandchildren who are early 20's now and no interest whatsoever.
He has limped on from partner to partner and is now alone in his 50's.

She is still in contact with her lovely sister in law, who met and remarried a really nice man.
I would tell any MIL in this situation to proceed with extreme caution.
Rushing to "back" your child whom has behaved badly can really blow up on you.

@Littys Very similar happened in my situation. I had a wonderful close relationship with my in-laws for the best part of 15 years. Loved them like my own parents. Initially they were extremely angry with their son and very supportive of the children and me and then one day out of the blue, I got a very cold and callous email from my MIL saying they no longer wanted contact with me but expected me to facilitate contact with the children.

My eldest was old enough to say "no" given the choice and they wrote to her trying to bribe her with money which she ignored (she was also a step-grandchild so no blood link). I tried to facilitate contact with my youngest who was very small at the time until they started to dictate terms, where I had to drive to (they lived in the north and I'm in the south) and how contact was going to be dictated by them. I declined and said as a lone parent (their son had abandoned our child), contact would be convenient to me, not them. They didn't like that and I never heard from them again. They cut off their noses to spite their faces. Lost me who was kind and loyal to them and their two grandchildren and their son moved to Scotland. You cannot treat people like shit and expect the outcome you want 🤷🏻‍♀️

Budgie Bird will get tired and pissed off eventually with being the one paying for ( almost ) everything all the time, one day she will remember / realise she has her home due to her and her late husband and her late husband didn't work so a cock lodger could get it.
One day he will have to pay his way / treat her, and I think / hope / believe he is not going to get everything he thinks / wants.

I was in a different position to you, but I would have loved to have seen ow's face when my 'dear' dh told her that he had got nothing, not a penny - whether he was brave enough to tell her on the phone or whether he waited to tell her face to face I don't know - but not a penny !

and even better there was a private maintenance agreement not the CMS used these days and it was until dd had finished further and / or higher education - not 18 :)

as an aside, there is a saying ' out of the mouths of babes ' dd was in a supermarket with them prior to Christmas one year, ' oh Mummy their Christmas is very different to ours, he was putting a frozen turkey in the trolly at low cost supermarket ' a far cry for the last Christmas he had with us which consisted of a fresh goose and very nice turkey from M&S.

sometimes it's the little things that bring a smile.

and yes I am well aware that comes across as I am a bitch, but as I say sometimes it's the little things.

Op post page 11

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Why should we not come across as bitches when we have been well and truly shat on by insignificant, worthless partners/husbands/in-laws. I don't see it as bitchiness though, just us getting on with our lives in peace and tranquility and them having to eat their poundshop cake 😁

@Gingerloaf I'm glad you've had a decent sleep, that really is a good healer.

I smiled at you sharing your story with the people in BB's local shop. My then husband would never let me donate my wedding dress so it sat in various cupboards for nearly 30 years. As soon as he was gone I put it in the car, drove to the town he'd moved to to live with his girlfriend, took it to the charity shop who said "Oh good, a wedding dress, we love them" and I said "Yes, it would look great in your window". Whether it was seen or even recognised by him I'll never know but it was another little potential fuck you and clutter out of the house.

I agree re the fascinating study and sad reality. I did a lot of research on my ex's behaviour which explained just about everything. It was good for me to realise it wasn't my fault but also shocking to realise just how much I'd been enduring. Even last night I was reading a book that I need to finish to put back on the shelf and there were a few bits that explained the whys behind certain events.

No matter the reasoning behind their behaviour, they chose to upend what should have been the security of family life but we are the ones who rebuild our lives stronger and more peaceful then we've ever been while they carry on needing their fragile little egos massaged by insecure, desperate, unrealising BBs.

OP, when the dust has settled and is shaken off your fab new shoes ... Please will you write a book?

And do keep every single thing he sends you - every text, every email. Journal interactions, incidents and what he claims and how his story shifts.

@JFDIYOLO - I journal every day. Quotes and thoughts etc
Its fascinating to re read - the roller coaster
k also have the voice recordings - screen shots etc who knows how it will all come out

Family meal is something we would do at that time of year - but Flying monkeys are applying pressure to DC - this may back fire
And I had suspected this would be the case and so in some ways it’s ‘good’ to have it confirmed. I won’t hold my breath for an Xmas card haha

So glad to read you slep well.
It is so important to how you feel and cope with everything.
You are doing great.

Hopefully your children will shut down any conversation about you from both him and their grandparents, and that you are a no go area going forward in the relationship with them.

That's a book I'd read. I'd buy copies for all my friends and female relatives too ❤️

You are all very kind - hopefully this thread and any resulting book will help anyone who gets so disrespected by a spouse ( especially after a long time)
So much of what I read says they stay because……..let’s be clear. Cheating is a choice and he did it over and over again with her. She knew he was married and her husband was only dead 18 months - people with low morals will do what they want to do.
It’s a choice - no one and no set of circumstances made this happen. They did

Flying monkeys will come by and add to the shit storm
Others will feel they have to balance their loyalty between the two people
Good friends will listen to you ramble on and then cut through the self pity
At the end of the day we can only control ourselves and that’s what I am trying to do

Thank you for your posts - they really are a boost

It’s a choice - no one and no set of circumstances made this happen. They did

I really agree with this.

Your situation happened to my friend a few years ago, but there was less of anage gap (I told her about this thread and she is reading but not posting).

Anyway, with her, the ex dh claimed afterwards that he had been unhappy and therefore he did what he did. This translated, ever so subtely, into my friend was somehow responsible.

Not only, but so many of our friend group said - well, he would not have done it if everythng was ok at home.

BUT - if you keep quiet about your supposed unhappiness how can anyone even know it is there to address?

There is a subtle context in most conversations about situations like this that somehow, the partner that did not cheat carries some blame. There must be some psychology something in that - deflection?

@yesmen - it is a dangerous attitude to believe that ‘there must be something wrong at home’. Slightly old fashioned approach - as in if the wife just put out a lot more then he wouldn’t stay.
Cheating is a character flaw. There may be an issue in the head if the cheater but as they don’t communicate this to their spouse then no amount of ‘mind reading’ is going to sort it out. If it’s an unmet need - that need has not been communicated and I bet your friends H never said ‘well as you can’t meet my need I will go elsewhere’
The cheater makes a choice - based on whatever is in their head they somehow justify it in their head
As j said previously, talking to H when it all came out was like talking to an alien. His view of the world was wonky - he had adjusted his thoughts to make it fit / condone actions he had always been appalled at in others.

I have just read an article by a psychologist that said in an affair they always ‘affair down’ it’s never someone better than the spouse.
This is so that they can manipulate the situation easier and the affair partner probably thinks all their christmases have come at once. So no need for any intelligent dis about the rights and wrongs - the adulterous pair have come up with a story, embellished this and will have some Friends and family’ ready to believe it. This means they get the myth perpetuated

Anyone encountering someone having an affair should be very cautious about believing the guff the deceitful people bring up.
The betrayed spouse is blindsided by the very fact that affairs are clandestine- they are built on lies and deceit ( which told often enough will be what they believe)

I am very sorry for your friend.
In my case we had recently been on holiday - no sign of a problem
He was grumpy and quick to start an argument- all part of the script. Perhaps I should have called it out more but after 40
years you get used to your other half having their own emotions - and if you ask if they are ok and get nothing back then you can’t mind read
Part of the reason for writing this is that I never in a million years thought he would commit adultery - don’t see the signs, didn’t know the signs
When they make up their minds to stray - for what ever reason / reasons they justify themselves and the betrayed partner is looked upon as a source of justification- she didn’t this, that or the next thing
The betrayed partner is unaware of this examination and analysis that is happening for every point they do
My H had rambling and varied reasons - listening to the radio whilst doing housework made me difficult to communicate with ????

The word says it all - betrayed spouse - the ultimate bastard move. Dont express yourself just fuck someone who has low morals ( who is aware you are married and despite the husband only just being dead has no problem with it)

We must do all we can to address the old fashioned idea that the spouse is to blame - I have reflected so much on my life and what I could have possibly done better - but I was in a vacuum of knowledge as to what he was doing and frankly how she was facilitating what was happening
He would come from her bed and kiss me on the cheek- that takes a certain low level moral to do

Cheating is a choice
Cheating with a married man is a choice

Wow! @Gingerloaf I have been following along since your first post and read both threads. I thought you were doing amazing before but this post has just blown me away...you are so emotionally intelligent and eloquent it really does boggle the mind that he would ever have strayed. BB must really stroke his ego! More power to you and I hope you get everything you deserve and more in the best possible way.

'Cheating with a married man is a choice'

I have always wondered how one woman can do that to another woman.

This morning's post is so very well worded @Gingerloaf

When it happened to me I had no inkling, didn't see the signs, I thought we were fine and I completely trusted him. Not once did he ever voice his apparent discontent/unhappiness to me. The OW was young enough to be my daughter.

Cheating is a choice made by stupid, weak, pathetic men who take what is being offered, without considering the long term consequences.
Cheating with a married man is a choice made by nasty, jealous women with low morals, who get a kick out of seeing another woman's life being blown to pieces.

I'm so sorry it happened to you, Ginger. You can, at least, rest in the knowledge that you have behaved with great dignity throughout this whole farcical episode. You are made of far stronger stuff than I.

Gosh @Gingerloaf you must have to berm able to sleep last night and more that wide awake with that well put together last post.

I agree with your post and if your husband had an “ unmet need” or was “unhappy” the first thing he should have done is come to you. I think from your posts that he just wanted an extra side piece but it turned out wrong. That’s not right either. I can’t remember from your previous post s but did you sex life slow when he started this affair?

Its wierd. Your posts are a wake up call. Though I am in a relationship I feel like I’ve given a lot of yourself to him because I love him. Also become conscious that peri menopause creeping up on my once sexy and toned body. I sighed up to walk Pilates this morning after your post as though not directly relevant to my situation at the moment, I did find it empowering if that makes sense? I just want to preserve how I used to be in case I find myself in a situation where we split or he cheats. No indication of either right now but can’t be too careful as sometimes there are no big sighnd like your situation.

Sorry I meant wall Pilates!

@Secondstart1001 - he pulled back from the intimate relationship around the time the affair started. He was tired, head aches etc tried to avoid even a peck on the cheek. In some ways I am grateful he did - some men play off both.
I am post menopausal and used HRT - I look after myself but I didn’t indulge myself ( recently had a manicure and it made me feel good about myself) in many ways I put our life and our new chapter ahead of vanity. I am sure OW used the opportunity to be ready for him when they met at the hobby they shared. I was in a competition but didn’t know.

I am using the time now to focus on my physical health. Which wasn’t bad but I now have the time to focus on me

I was also reading that for the marriage to survive the cheater needs to be honest and be able to explain all that happened - I know in my heart my husband is an avoidant. He told me some things about the affair but I think even he could hear when he said it how ridiculous it was. In the early days he would answer questions now he won’t even meet me in a public space. All part of the narrative that once he understood the police had been involved he can now paint me as the person setting out to set him up.
Rather than take responsibility for his actions.

When we moved house we talked about future proofing as in buying somewhere that would suit us in old age - now I would say to anyone you need to future proof your relationship. It can literally explode over a morning cup of tea.

@Gingerloaf yep future proofing is right. Future proofing ones self is high priority for me. I haven’t been well lately, Dp has been brilliant and so involved and it’s nothing too serious for now. Lots of plans for future and when ever I cast a doubt he always says he loves and only wants me. But I know things can change, I am no fool. We do check in with each other to see if we are both happy in the relationship and try and adjust to each other. But yes, I need to preserve part of myself for me and me only. I hope working on your physical fitness works out, will have to compare notes in a few months!

That resonated with me, reading on my iPad made it difficult to communicate with me too apparently! Never mind the fact that I had lost my DM and then been diagnosed with a rare health condition, all in the space of a couple of months, then dealing with the aftermath of DM estate that I alone dealt with, selling the childhood home, but I was a nightmare to live with, we couldn’t go on holiday because we’d taken on my DM pets, etc..then to discover an emotional affair that progressed into online physical…but it was all my fault..really? I feel he felt justified in what he did..He astounded, frustrated, gaslit, ignored, upset me for the few months afterwards until I left for a week, came back to an apology with the hope of staying together for companionship after we’d been together for more than 30 something years..oh yes I had another apology online too, sorry I’ve had 3 apologies, and yet I was asked how many times does he need to apologise!
I think there are a lot more of us out there than we know going through this, after such a long time it really feels like a winded punch to the gut.

What I’m taking from this is that we all need to read The Script well before there are any hints of an issue.

because we won’t recognise or attach any weight to the signs except in hindsight otherwise