No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

Thank you all - no I don’t trust him, yes his solicitor is aware re the police and yes I have things in place to stay safe
It really does sound like something he picked up from his solicitor who at the time was not aware of the circumstances
He is definitely sending emails to get a rise - I can see the attempts to annoy me I have some stock phrases and so he’s not getting any pleasure!!
I just wonder if he is angling to say he is not at fault
Its no big deal - just curious - all part of the game playing like re writing history.

Some of your interpretations are hilarious folks 😂

Just a thought: if he's saying that he chose to leave, that could be interpreted as abandonment.

He is definitely sending emails to get a rise

If you react he can claim you're the crazy/bad/mentally unstable/abusive/whatever one and poor him had to run to BB to keep safe.

I know you know already but for anyone reading - never react to these fuckers, as (a) it winds them up that their twatty games aren't working and (b)

The need for attention- even if negative- is unreal.

Surely someone happy with their life would have no reason to even bother trying to get a rise??

Oh OP, I haven't commented because you're getting really good support and I've nothing useful to add, but I so wish you well.
Tell h that you don't look at emails any more. He needs to contact you via solicitors.
You could ask if budgie babe is on twitter.

Indeed @Gingerloaf . And the fact that you are doing well will be winding him up even more. It doesn't occur to him if he had thought less about his need for attention from a desperate woman and more about being a decent husband and father he wouldn't be going through this. Poor soul 🍄

@WellHelloScottie - welcome

I was trying to keep the solicitor bill down but if need be I will go that way.
BB doesn’t even have an online presence - tweeting is for the feathered friends haha

@MillyCentTap - hilarious emoji

Yes it’s all very sad - he got carried away in the excitement of it all ( he even told me that) then made the wrong choice at every turn and is now in a hole with it all.
Xmas will be a huge deal for him

He made the wrong choice at the very first turn.

@Gingerloaf

In this day of 'no fault' divorce whether he left or whether you kicked him out is neither here nor there. It won't affect the settlement or the progress of a divorce. So I don't think his solicitor has advised him to try and make himself 'blameless' because the solicitor knows it won't change a thing.

I think it's much more likely to be him trying to convince himself that he is blameless. Deep down he knows exactly what he did and exactly what that's done to you, but his 'self' can't deal with it. He's like a child holding his hands over his eyes and saying "You can't see me". A childish attempt to force his 'reality' on you. It may also be that this is the story he's putting about so as to appear blameless to friends and relatives and he's letting it 'bleed' into his communications with you. But all any of this does is make him look like a fool.

You continue to hold your head high and move at your own pace. As the old saying goes "Them that mind don't matter, and them that matter don't mind".

I know two men like this. At Xmas they are to be found abroad on a beach or cruise ship having a wonderful time, should have done it years ago. They tell all

When people split, they have an urge to apportion blame. And, once more blame is established one way or the other, there comes a misapprehension that the person less at fault should get the best financial deal and vice versa. Reality is that who is more responsible is irrelevant for financial settlement. So you recording him to prove any situation, and him trying to make out that you are unstable, is neither here nor there ( unless you recorded him admitting to hidden assets, that could be useful).
Doesn't matter what either of you says or does, the back and forth of that is lashing out due to the pain of it all. Him saying spurious things about you, will be his attempt to make himself feel better, and hope for sympathy, ignore it, it doesn't give him a better deal. You know he will regret it all in time to come, and you meanwhile will be living your best authentic life, realising what great things you are capable of.

as I said on the previous thread, it is rather a shame all divorces are no blame these days and there is no chance to name the other person in an adultery divorce - it is rather satisfying naming the ow in a divorce petition.

Thank you one and all

I do think it’s a weird turn of phrase but ultimately much if what he has done over the past Mo the is to avoid all acknowledgment of guilt or accountability
Thanks for putting my mind at rest that he’s just being an arse 😂

Sometimes you get so habituated in managing the behaviours of your OH that you can’t see the emotional abuse / coercion underneath even the most simple phrase. ‘Choosing to live away from the marital home’ is absolutely designed as a power play to let you know he is keeping ‘returning’ as an option in his back pocket. Disabuse him of that notion as soon as you can!
You are assuming you have a choice here. Nah mate, the phrase marital home makes two assumptions, neither of which remain valid when a contact is broken. This place? It’s just a building we jointly own and I reside in until such time as I decide to live elsewhere.. I’ll let you know when that will happen in due course, but you might have to wait a bit!

sadly so many of us on this thread have stories to tell. Stories that have defined us and helped us to grow. I am in a really good place now. A wonderful husband this time around, a happy blended family that I never thought possible but…

25 years ago this week I was at my lowest point. it took me years to acknowledge the power dynamic that was clearly visible to the rest of the world. After 21 years of living with an utter fucker of a man I couldn’t even load a dishwasher, shop or cook a meal correctly. The contrast between my professional and personal life was immense. Naturally he didn’t care one iota for me or indeed our two teenage children.

For three years, despite evidence to the contrary he claimed he wasn’t having an affair. He said I was paranoid. He made me see a doctor and have therapy. In actual fact He’d left the marriage 15 years earlier and was shagging his co- worker, who had herself done my pregnancy test for child number 2 ( i often wonder how he squared that one , and what words passed between them!) he carried on with his double life whilst I was stupidly oblivious. He spent my money on hotel rooms for her , allowing me £100 a month for housekeeping ( I earned a good salary, we had a big house and 2 kids). I used to go to charity shops to buy my clothes. He was an absolute fucker of a man. one day I just woke up. He said something daft like - if you bring another cat into this house I’m off. I came home with two that same afternoon and the male cat pissed in his sports bag. It was fucking brilliant. OH was incandescent and couldn’t understand why I was hysterical. I told him to get out of my life and gave him a suitcase of his clothes. I stayed strong until the door slammed shut. To be honest with you I was then a crazy person for about a week. The utter humiliation and betrayal nearly finished me off . But do you know something? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. By golly I needed to be strong for the children . I decided they would never know the truth so that they could keep a ‘dad’. I stayed strong as I navigated civility for them.

I gained strength in each new first. First car service, first bill paid in my name, first holiday booked first room decorated. I rearranged the furniture in every room. Chose bright colours ( he would only have taupe) and played loud music. I put his things into bin bags and threw them out of the window. I gave him two days to collect everything else and then made visits to the tip … there may have been some prawns left in that suitcase of his favourite shirts, I can either confirm or deny. Golly it was fun!
of course because we had children he couldn’t force a divorce or house sale. I could keep the house until the youngest was 18. I stayed for about 6 months but it was too triggering to be in those four walls. I filed for divorce for adultery citing her name as the other woman ( he hated that!). I healed when I got our own space , made my own decisions and won my life back. Reader he married her destroying two families. They remain unhappily locked together - no really they are it’s delicious!

Years later he and I were left alone at a bar - we were at our eldest son’s graduation. He said ‘ you look amazing, it wasn’t really all bad was it? We had 21 years and two children together’ I took one long look at him and said you were a bloody awful husband but a slightly better father you clearly have a very poor memory but please be clear I tolerate this for the children. I wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire and gave him a kiss on his cheek. He looked a bit shocked! Can’t think why. OW had spotted us together ( who my friends described tactfully as a horse-faced trollop) looked like she’d been chewing a wasp. Yep, not proud tee hee. Fucker.

so yes, it gets better. So much better and it will for you too xx

@Legendarygincupboard - I came on here this morning to re read the poem you put up and got this rather wonderful post.

So many people say that things will get better - and it helps a bit. Each day is another challenge some good, some bad. I recognise when the shitty sad feelings are overwhelming me and try and keep busy.
I have weird feelings that I reckon are jealousy- I see him driving the car with her in the passenger seat ( my seat) I know they are away having romantic breaks in places we used to go ( paid for by her he has no money)
and then worst of all out of no where I have images of them in bed. We all know our partners preferences - it’s not hard to imagine what he’s doing - and it kills me.
I miss being hugged I miss being kissed I miss the company of another human. I try really hard to summon up the memory of what a shit he was, particularly towards the end when he was deceiving me. At the moment the thought that I may meet someone new and ‘start again’ is too painful- the trust in my heart that has been shattered has left me wary of people I meet. Supposed friends who turn out to also be talking to him. I know I am closing down and it’s not a place I want to be in.

I find myself listening to Buddhist monks on tik tok ( ?????) saying let it go, expect less etc etc that’s not working just yet
I have the mantra that I have to feel these emotions in order to get through and to heal - but time is going so slowly and the lack of closure is immense.
I realise he is emotionally immature and I won’t get closure- someone said - the lack of respect was closure, the deceit was closure, the betrayal was closure ….. I am trying to accept that

Your story is hilarious and one day I hope mine will also be very funny as well
thank you 🙏

@Gingerloaf let’s talk a little about that green- eyed monster- jealousy. It’s an interesting one to unpick , it creeps up and mugs you when you least expect it ( Like when you see the whore of Babylon with your grandchildren ) and even now has the power to catch me on off guard. Jealously is just misplaced anger. In my case why the actual fuck is that woman still insinuating herself into my family. But then I notice the bored look, the anxious glance in his direction, the distance between them. Nope, I won and she got exactly what she deserved - a lifetime of mediocre fumbling ( he was a lousy fuck) and the fear of history repeating itself ( once an adulterous bastard, always an adulterer). I got myself back. The love of a really decent man ( they do exist!) and the satisfaction of real happiness.

I used to experiment with jealousy on a more regular basis when I still somewhat stupidly had feelings for him. He took her out to fancy restaurants, hotels, holidays. He brought her gifts. He brought me a ham sandwich when I gave birth ( I was veggie) and wrote me a cheque for my 40th. He famously said why on earth would I want to go out with you? ( on our 10th wedding anniversary) but then I discovered a new super- power. It is called indifference. It’s even better that hate. Hate requires energy and requires you to give a fuck. Indifference transcends hate. It liberates you. It is fabulous and empowering. Indifference rocks. It should be your aim. No man who treats you like shit deserves your jealousy. Gift him with indifference and watch him shrink to insignificance. Marvellous !

I discovered a new super- power. It is called indifference. It’s even better that hate. Hate requires energy and requires you to give a fuck. Indifference transcends hate. It liberates you. It is fabulous and empowering. Indifference rocks. It should be your aim. No man who treats you like shit deserves your jealousy. Gift him with indifference and watch him shrink to insignificance.

How did you get to this point? I need more indifference in my life and am hoping there is a way to work on it to get there more quickly.

@Gingerloaf . I often think that an under appreciated part of healing is profound levels of acceptance. Acceptanace does not mean liking - keep that solidly in mind.

In other words, it may well be too soon for the "let it go" bit.

Volcanic eruptions of hurt will explode from inside you from time to time. They will include recognition of him being consoled, enjoyment, romantic times, a shoulder to lean on (even though we know, as do you, that the long run cost of that will be high for him). That is not irrational of you. It is fair to allow yourself those emotions, and fair to recognize them.

Part of the hurt is the rejection of your love, which is the most sacred thing we have to give.

Part of the hurt is that he is willing to hurt you.

I think you should give yourself "permission" to visit your grief. To sit with it a while, like you would a distressed child. Console that distressed child. Let her cry. And then, give her permission to leave grief, and come play for a bit. Afterall, it will be there for a long while yet.

You are still in the storm and the seas are turbulant. Putting yourself under pressure to shrug it all off is doing yourself an injustice. All of it will sit together, shrugging it off one day and weeping the next. It is all part of the same thing.

Afterall, it is a massive part of your life, it belongs to you and it belonged to you.

@Legendarygincupboard - so right, indifference would be a good place to be
I look forward to it - thank you

@yesmen - I am hoping he will pay a high price - knowing the romance and the consolation and what appears to be ‘them winning’ is hard. I have this feeling that she thinks she has won - so took a man away after all those years and he’s still with her. I have to remind myself that their romance is built on lies and deceit - but it hurts

Thanks you about giving myself permission to grieve - this is a new experience and it’s like navigating no man’s land without a map, compass or sat nav

My mother is Very bitter about wasting her youth on my father. It still eats away at her after 35 years.

Don't get like that @Gingerloaf

Sorry to hear you're struggling. You've been so strong, let yourself grieve. If he's still sending you unnecessary emails, he can't be too content with his new setup. Be easy on yourself, your whole life had been uprooted. God I hope they get their karma and you find peace.

@justasking111 - I do t want to be bitter so I am warding against that
I want to live my best life - and like @Legendarygincupboard i want to one day look him dead I. The eye and know he knows he messed up. Then give him the kiss on the cheek, turn and walk away ( hope I can be as sassy as legendary gin cupboard )

@Diarygirlqueen the longest he has gone is 11 days without contact. When he was looking after his MH - he broke the contact. Recent contact has been angry and not his wording ( OW) is an influence and is every 2 or 3 days
There are a couple of things to sort re the house and then I will instigate non contact especially up to Xmas - it’s like he aims to invade my peace as often as possible. and yes - if it’s so blissful he really should have no time to bother with anything

@Gingerloaf Remember what is happening here.

You are processing. It is horrid and great, depending on the time. Slowly, but very surely, the ebb and flow of those two points will get softer as you create your future out of all of this. You have time; to grieve and to celebrate. Most of all, you have time with yourself, to think things through. What you are doing now is the ultimate creative process, and neccessary in order for you to flourish at a later date.

He is not doing this. He is balancing. He is reacting, not acting. His "choice" is determined by need; of shelter, money, companionship, fear, denial, and most of all, the future without you.

He burned the house down but cannot yet look at the ashes. But he can't stay there forever nor will he.

At some point, it will hit hard, though what element is hard to predict.

At that point, you will be grateful you had this time, horrible though it is. You will feel sorry for him, because you will recognize that he is starting a process that you, and everyone else, finished some time ago.

By the time he really comes to accept it, everyone else, including you, will be well into the new. He will be dazed, confused and floored. He will basically be where you are now, at the begining.

My friends husband left her in an awful mess. Second mortgage on the house and the one that they rented out. They had a small company, he hadn't paid the income tax, nor the VAT. He hadn't made the payments on her car. He emptied their childs savings account a healthy inheritance from her granny.

She bravely attended a meeting with HMRC who couldn't have been kinder saying that she wasn't the first wife who had been left in this financial state.

She admitted that he beat her if he thought she was flirting. No-one had the slightest idea he was violent.

She rebuilt her life for herself and her daughter in another country eventually met a wonderful man who adores her, they've been married 22 years.

She said to me once that she thought of writing to her ex thanking him for her wonderful new life.

As for her ex and second wife, they're both dead now. My friend has an international company and two beautiful grandchildren.

You will thrive @Gingerloaf .