Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

Yes, her behaviour is concerning - not because she’s going out. She’s perfectly entitled to do that. But it’s hardly setting a good example to your children.
Would she normally drive the next morning?

What does she say when you talk to her about it? I can't imagine she feels very good after the events?
Perhaps it's her way of 'letting off steam' in which case it may be that she needs to out that energy towards something else..a hobby maybe?
I don't think you have much option other than to have it out with her, when she's not hung over or intoxicated.

Is she embarrassed the next day? Apologetic?

How does she explain herself to the DC?

It sounds as though she might be a binge drinker, to the extent she needs help to stop getting so intoxicated.

If this is the only difficulty you have in your relationship, id be inclined to help her address it rather than ending her relationship. If however she shows no remorse, then I think you need to decide if this is the best for you and DC long term.

Does she drink at home? It's not ok to behave like that, some people just don't know when to stop with alcohol or how to drink in moderation.

If my partner behaved like this on a regular basis I would not accept it.

Usually, she has a half-hour drive in the morning.

In her own words: “I knew you were home and would take the kids to school.”

After these incidents, she always apologizes, but it doesn't feel sincere. It comes off as a forced apology, more like a necessity. She often says things like, “I’m never drinking again,” or “I don’t remember verbally abusing you and leaving you to clean up my urine and vomit.”

It’s awful to find yourself in a situation where your partner says she’s going out for dinner with friends and it ends up like this. I’ve begun to experience anxiety because of it.

If she were to lose track of her friends or not make it home when she did, I worry about whether she would be able to get back safely. That’s a frightening thought, especially with two small children at home.

She drinks at home occasionally, but not to this degree.

If I were acting like this as a man, I don’t think she would stick around for very long.

I agree, OP.

This is not a quality you want in a partner.

You're right to think regularly drinking until you vomit and wet yourself is a trait you don't want to be around.

What are your options?

Don't clean up her vomit and urine. She is being 100% disrespectful and disrespect-able.

Don't clean up her urine and vomit next time. Let her do that herself the next day. Sleep somewhere else in the meantime.

In my view, she lacks respect—for herself, her family, and her job.

I don’t want to control her; she’s an adult and entitled to make her own choices. However, I also don’t want to feel anxious every time she goes out for dinner with friends, unsure of when she’ll return or in what condition. It would be respectful to discuss these plans with me beforehand, especially since it seemed she knew I would be taking the kids to school.

As for lying to my seven-year-old and telling him that Mum has food poisoning, that’s not the kind of parent I aspire to be.

She has a well-paying job that is relatively relaxed and offers her a good amount of freedom. If she were to lose that job, it would put us in a tough spot. Just think about the embarrassment of going to a new client who has seen you dancing on a table while drunk on a Tuesday night.

It's tough to say not to clean up after her, but when my four- and seven-year-olds need to use the bathroom in the morning, it creates a challenge. I’d rather they not wonder about what happened the night before.

Sleeping elsewhere isn't an option for me. I was concerned about the possibility of her choking on her vomit during the night, and I also needed to take care of the kids in the morning.

My sister is like this, to be honest she has a few drinks and then just doesn’t know her limit or realise how drunk she is getting! And then she gets too drunk and is embarrassing. She does it at work do’s as well and then next day they’re all smiling in the office as she’s drinking water and downing paracetomol.

To me it’s easy to know after a few I’ve had enough and stop but she just doesn’t register it and think it’s all fun and a great time.

I’ve just accepted it now because it’s either she stops drinking or this there isn’t really an inbetween when she’s on a night out and can have a few and stop. I just try and stay clear.
maybe reminder he is this next time and tell her to only go out when she’s already not working the next day otherwise not to drink and come home like that?
If you’re really not happy or worried about her with other men you could leave but it seems a borderline situation when basically she can’t stop herself.
Is it always with the same friends and could you talk to one of them about it?

Leave her then. Apply for custody of the children and be the main carer.

It sounds as if when she’s out she behaves like a caged animal that’s been released, so quite likely there’s more to this than your version of the story.

I know you said there were pictures of her dancing on tables.

I would video the vomiting, urinating- any of the obnoxious behavior. She needs to see it the way others do.
Also, document and keep a copy each time that she does this. You may need it, and until she gets help, I don't think she shouldn't have custody.

I hope she will agree to get help. Your kids will remember this, I'm afraid. I know we did.

Please check out Al-Anon. They offer a lot of help and support to families of problem drinkers. That's what binge drinking is. It's not fair to you and the DC to live with the anxiety and the complications. I think you need unmumsnetty handholds, so have mine.

Was going to say same but there are children in the house who presumably need to use the bathroom before school.

Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and I am not surprised you're so weary of it.

I get you cant not clean it up but I would personally video her in that state and then show it to her when she's sobered up and have a serious chat with her about it.

This isnt mean or unkind, it's simply showing her the reality of how she behaves when smashed (after all- you cant escape that reality can you- you are the one having to deal with it) and the frustrating thing is, often people will deny doing the awful things they did when drunk because they "cant remember them" so they say they didnt do them. If the video mortifies her then good- she needs to see what you are having to deal with when she comes home drunk.

I wouldnt frame it in a scolding manner but more in a "I am very concerned about you" way. A very serious chat needs to be had and sadly, I think you may have to consider where you personally draw the line with this going forward if she wont stop. Good luck.

This is another one of those double standards threads, and either it’s true and shows up the double standard, or it’s a troll setting a bait that posters have fallen straight for.

It’s quite a frequent one on MN where the woman complains that her male partner is coming home steaming drunk much later than he promised, vomits and pisses all over the place and spends the next day incapacitated with a hangover.

The advice is always to be utterly unsympathetic, make him clean up and sort out the kids, and if he does it again LTB. Or even just LTB anyway, because one’s vagina would clamp shut at the thought of having sex ever again with a man baby who’s pissed the bed/puked in the shower.

In this situation with the roles reversed, there’s some advice to make her clean it up. But it’s mostly sympathy - she needs to
let her hair down occasionally - or even victim
blaming - you the husband must be controlling or abusing her that she feels the need to go out and do this.

Can people really not see it?

I'd issue an ultimatum, she stops drinking or stops going out.

Personally she sounds immature and exceedingly selfish. Unbelievable to be so irresponsible never mind disgusting by vomiting and urinating everywhere.

She has no respect for herself or you. Time to get tough and tell her she needs to seek help if she can't see what is wrong and merely makes pathetic excuses.

I wouldn't put up with that. It would be the end of the relationship for me

She cannot control her drink and, in saying "I'm never drinking again", she is aware that she behaves badly after alcohol.
I think that she is probably embarrassed enough without having her behaviour passed back to her, but she also probably needs photos of her vomit and pee to reinforce her "I'm not going to do this again" mentality.
You are correct in not trying to give her an ultimatum. This is behaviour that only she can change. She needs to remember how much you worry about her, the lies that you tell your children to cover for her, and the mess that she makes (verbally and physically) in drinking. She needs to decide what is more important to her and she needs to do it for herself.
I wish you both the very best.🌻

Does she sometimes go out to dinner with friends and come home sober at a reasonable hour?
Or does "going out to dinner with friends" equal "come home drunk"?

I couldn't live like that and you and your children don't have to.

Have you ever spoke to her about getting help?have you thought about separating from her and keeping the children with you whilst she hopefully gets help.

When drinking starts to affect personal relationships, work etc that is a key sign of problematic drinking. Even though she does it rarely it does point to a serious problem and needs to be addressed.

I sympathise, I had a mother who behaved like this and started to get strong anxiety as a kid whenever she'd drink or go out. She'd frequently be unreachable, come home hours late and be in an absolute state. She also embarrassed me terribly in front of friends, teachers etc and that had consequences for me.

Your kids are at an age where they are going to start seeing this behaviour and potentially have it impact them so I'd have a frank discussion with her about how to address it.

She has a drinking problem. She's a binge drinker. Binge drinkers can deny they have a problem because they can go for long periods between binges. However, it's a compulsion and they always go back to it.
The intervals between binges may start getting shorter and shorter.
From the sound of it the odds are good she has cheated while drunk as well. You have to face that possibility.
If you want to stay with her, I would suggest you give her an ultimatum. Insist she stop binge drinking, stay away from other men and get counseling or the marriage is over.
I was married to a binging, lying cheater and I can tell you that without some kind of intervention it will get worse, not better. Keeping the status quo is not viable and she doesn't sound like she's worth your efforts.

I don't agree about an ultimatum. She has to have something to motivate her to make an effort to change. If she wants to keep the marriage, that could serve as motivation. In counselling she will learn she has to do it for herself, so that will come later. For right now what she needs is a wake up call.