Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

This was directed at @ttcat37

Again, on a Tuesday night. Too pissed to go to work the next day. Leaving her piss and puke either for her children to find, or for her partner to clean up.

Just because you have low standards about what constitutes acceptable behaviour, doesn’t mean we all do.

Her choice to move here.
Her choice to be the bread winner.
I can assure you in Eastern Europe teachers do care what you do.
Going out dancing on tables on a Tuesday night in a restaurant and calling in sick the next day to the job where you were the boss is a great a look for your staff and the company you work for.

Obviously, but you initially said it was on the same road, then decided for extra emphasis it sounded better to say next door. Drip feed, wording things to make her sound worse. But I and others saw through your first post. I’ve got nothing more to add.

It would be the same were she a man. Stop trying to make it a sexist issue.

Would it? I haven’t mentioned sex.

It appears that there may be some misunderstanding. Why is this being framed in a negative way? I'm not seeking attention; I'm simply looking for advice. What would be the purpose of sharing anything other than my true experiences?

Ignore ttcat37.

Come on: you know what sexist means - you more than most I’m guessing from your posts.

Seriously, there's something amiss with that poster. Just ignore.

Thanks. You seem to lack… well, I won’t say or I’ll probably get put in Mumsnet jail.

Of course I know what sexist means, but I’m not sure why you think from my posts that this is to do with sex. Perhaps it is for you.

I've definitely done this a few times when I was a teen/early 20s. What does that have to do with grown up adults with kids, jobs and responsibilities? Misspent youth is the expression you used.

There is no misunderstanding. I thought I’d been clear but to clarify, I think the way that you speak about your wife and this experience suggests that you seek to control her and you are embarrassed when she doesn’t behave in a way that you have told her she should. I think this is controlling and the suggestion that her having fun by dancing on tables will bring shame on you is also controlling. You have drip fed and changed your story to garner sympathy and to weigh the story in your favour. All these things make me not side with you, we only have half a picture here and I believe that your wife’s story would be very revealing. You have many people who are sympathising with you, you have a whole range of opinions, and you can’t have expected to post on Mumsnet and everybody agree with you. Hope that clears things up for you.

I agree with this.

@ttcat37 do you seriously think that an adult vomiting and pissing on the floor is just a blow out? Wow what a strange life you must have led.

OP ignore the madness. Your wife is behaving appallingly and really needs to address her drinking behaviour. And she also needs to be cleaning the floor. Disgusting.

Please say whatever it is, we'd love you to end up in Mumsnet jail. #bliss

You’ll have to stay disappointed I’m afraid. Someone has to stay and stick up for those on the other side of the story.

It seems people are not paying attention to this part of the post;

Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

So she's a manipulative liar and shows signs of being a cheater (though OP apparently doesn't want to believe it) but somehow he's the bad guy? Sometimes the woman really is the main problem in the relationship. If what OP has been saying is accurate, it could not be more clear cut that it's her rather than him. So the people suggesting he's abusive and controlling, when there's nothing he's posted which suggests that, perhaps need to take a step back to examine their gender based prejudices.

@CHEF123

Does she drive on the school run? Because if she does she could easily be over the drink drive limit/ intoxicated the following morning.
She could be putting your DC, herself and her job at risk.

This is not double standards. Our normal schedule is dh leaves early and I take the dc to school. If I went out on a weeknight I’d make sure I’m back and capable of that. For context, I get hangovers like his wife, where I am still throwing up the next evening. It’s fucking awful so I wouldn’t dream of risking it on a school night! If it were a significant celebration then sure I’d plan ahead to ask dh to take the kids, which would make him late to work (although who has those on weeknights once you’re all adults with jobs??). I would be pretty annoyed if dh had to call in sick for work with a hangover and I’d be furious if I had to clean up his vomit.

Yes she drives And there is a zero alcohol limit in our country.

This post was focused on how to best handle the situation with her. I'm not planning to leave; we are married, and I've made a commitment. Everyone makes mistakes, and I was simply seeking advice and perspectives from others.

I've been open about our current situation.

I can't possibly summarize our entire 10 years of marriage here.

My wife has her own challenges, just like everyone else.

Did I contribute to her behavior? No, she would confirm that.

I'm not sure that's fair. Or would you say the same thing to a woman in the OP's position?