Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

PP definitely being sarcastic, don’t worry OP.

I love drinking and partying but would never get in such a state. The vomiting and urinating is disgustingly, it shows a total lack of respect, your wife should be absolutely ashamed of herself.

I think you should document everything and talk to her when she’s sober. Tell her it’s not fair in you or the kids. Also she’s risking her job, if her colleagues saw photos of the state she was in and the next day she called in sick, she could be in a lot of trouble.

What did she say about you cleaning up her vomit and piss?

You're not wrong about normalising binge drinking in British culture. I feel like a lot of posters are projecting either around their own behaviour or their partners'.

this kind of behaviour caused by excessive alcohol consumption should not be normalised

she pissed and spewed on the floor of the bathroom her children have to use and let someone else clear it up

it’s disgusting and wholly unacceptable behaviour. Not just “letting her hair down”

@Witchbitch20 if this was a woman posting that her husband did all those things, can you tell me, honestly, that you would surmise he was a “caged animal”? Or would you assume he was a useless pissed waster?

@Greentreesandbushes is it OK to vomit and piss on the floor? Wow your standards of acceptable behaviour are low. I wonder if they’re as low for men too…..I suspect not…..

Maybe it would help if you took photos of the vomit/urine? Perhaps a video of her roaring drunk would be a step too far.... Or maybe not? You know her best

Rookie error OP. You should have pretended you were the wife and it was your husband out late, and pissing/vomiting everywhere. You’d have been deluged with sympathy and useful advice, rather than being told your poor wife needs a night out and you should support this!

🎯 exactly. Admitting the OPs partner has an alcohol problem would mean having to face up their /their partners issues with drink too which can be very difficult but worthwhile and I say this from experience of dealing with bingeing .

I don’t drink never have, but I had to face up to the fact I binge eat, and confront the underlying reasons why in order to address it, after years of joking about me eating entire cakes in one sitting and feeling queasy for the whole day.

Is this a reverse by any chance?

It's not double standards because men and women aren't the same.

In the same way that men and women are both likely to initiate divorce...but a women typically does because she's had enough of the man and wants out, and a man typically does because he's got another woman lined up. Again, there are obviously examples where the roles are reversed and the wife has another man lined up, but typically it's the man who has.

That's not double standards. That's very different causes for the same end result.

Again, no one behaving like ops wife is behaving well. Male or female. But, typically when a man goes out and gets so drunk he's sick etc, it tends to stem from the whole entitled "man culture", lads lads lads, on the beers, whereas to see a woman in this state, is usually indicative of something going on in the background. Usually.

💯

Imagine how Dc would feel if they saw urine and vomit all over the floor and were told “ oh don’t worry: your mother/father just went out drinking and reduced themselves to a pre-potty trained state. We’d like you Dc to keep putting it in the loo please. ”

@MumblesParty My first point was to leave her.

And given the information here I would have said the same if it was a male partner. From the description it does appear to me that there is an element of “caged animal”.

LTB and get full custody of the children was the actual response.

While I usually see MN anti-drinking as ridiculous and puritanical and I certainly enjoy a drink, even getting tipsy on a regular basis, AND I'm usually the first to get annoyed at a man who seems to have an issue with his wife going out....

.... this is very clearly a situation in which your wife has a problem with alcohol. It is not normal to drink so much you vomit for hours, or urinate on the floor. Anyone who is doing this more than once is someone who has a problem with alcohol and needs to seek help. And frankly, I think or most responsible adults, to get THIS drunk on a week night is really extremely unusual.

I think your wife needs to take a long hard look at herself. And it would be completely okay for you to tell her that if she gets into that state again, lets you and the DC down etc, then you will leave.

To a large extent, I agree with this. BUT... another example is how often men with genuine mental health issues land up being abusive. I can be sympathetic to the mental health issue, but still feel strongly that the abuse is wrong and that their partner has the right to leave as a result.

Same here - her problem with alcohol may stem from anything AND it's clearly an actual alcohol problem, but that doesn't excuse the behaviour.

As you say, a 12-hour vomiting binge suggests a huge amount of alcohol. She is at risk of being hospitalised or worse from alcohol poisoning.

I think she needs to drive whenever she goes out so that she isn’t tempted to drink. This behaviour sounds like someone who is on the spectrum of alcoholism- maybe Al-Anon could advise you?

whereas to see a woman in this state, is usually indicative of something going on in the background. Usually.

Like being an alcoholic. And the reasons for that are varied and often have no relation with the marriage. They’re usually running much deeper than that.

fwiw, Ime, when women have relationship issues and use alcohol to deal with it, it’s more likely to be ‘when is it gun o’clock?’ attitude than going on a bender.

I was your wife. Would go out with great intentions. But would get very drunk very quickly on not necessarily a lot of alcohol. Then no recollection of things . Really ill and lose a whole day , miss events .DH never said to me how much it impacted him . I wish he had or given me an ultimatum . I thought my kids weren't aware but as adults they told me they hated parties or people drinking around them . None of my kids drank as teenagers because of it. For the most part I was a diligent worker , good mother as it wasn't that frequent but my family only remember the drama times . I think I felt compelled to join in with the drinking culture I was in .I have so much regret and never drink anymore .

Quite.
Well said.
As a former female alcohol abuser (when younger), I couldn't agree more.
There's obviously a deep unhappiness as far as
OP's wife is concerned.
Most content people don't get to do this.
I stopped because alcohol became difficult to cope with in my forties.

She may have childhood trauma or difficulties in regulating her mood. I too have been in a similar place. Driving to go out helped me because there was no temptation to have even one.

I didn't come here seeking attention; I came for advice. If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and I'll respond honestly.

She's clearly got serious alcohol problems .
But I m sure she's not planning to get drunk to the point of urinating on the floor and vomiting all night. I wonder if she's telling the truth when she says she doesn't remember it, she's probably embarrassed ( or should be).
Does she acknowledge that this is an issue? Would she seek help, eg AA or similar?

But are you ok though, after having to take your own children to school?

Yes, @CHEF123 , a question.
You are a good husband, as you said
and it's a tough situation.
Any emotional (or physical) abuse by your wife's parents?
Drinking parent? Narcissistic?

Is that all you took from this?