Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

yes, maybe it is, rather than facing up to their own problematic behaviour

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I'd happily place a bet that in the history of Mumsnet, there's never been an OP where a husband has come home drunk, thrown up and pissed all over the place, and been incapable of going to work the next day, that had had the response 'there must be more to his side of the story' (in other words 'you drove him to it')

I cannot see in any of the OPs where he says he is a Stay at Home Dad. Did I miss something?

You think abused women aren't facing up to their own problematic behaviour??

And even if there are issues in the relationship with the OP, her abuse of alcohol as a coping mechanism is still a her problem. Only the drinker is ever responsible for their own behaviour.

Yes lol.

In one breath he's given up everything to be a stay at home dad.

The next he's had to cancel all his meetings as he's a property developer.

This isn’t her youth. She is a mother.

Again for clarity - “leave her then and apply for custody of the children”.

Even on MN there are two sides to every story. Does she “piss and vomit” every time she goes out? Or is it a less frequent (but no less acceptable) extreme reaction on certain occasions? What actually is her reaction to finding herself in a pool of vomit with urine soaked clothes? “She apologises but it’s forced?” - if that’s the case I assume she doesn’t think there’s a problem with her alcohol consumption?

Either way - LTB is and remains my view.

Nobody can stop the OP’s wife’s problem drinking apart from her. Doesn’t sound as if she’s in the position to accept or ask for help.

@Calliopespa it's not because he works online that he doesn't have meetings.

Did you miss the part where the OP clearly stated that his DW works on the same road as the DC's school? 🙄

I would dump her.

You referenced her being sick as if it was the most horrendous thing that’s ever happened. I don’t drink either. But I think the only think that would make me say “oh mate” if it was one of my friends is pissing on the bathroom floor. The rest is ‘I’ve fucking had enough and needed a blow out and drank too much’ material.

A mother expected to act a certain way, behave a certain way, do what she’s told and who lives with no only a history of being shamed for her father’s behaviour but apparently her own

Yes. Click ‘see all’ on the OP’s first post, read them. You will see that he says he sacrificed his career to become a stay at home dad. Then he’s pissed off because he let slip that he’s actually a property developer and had to cancel meetings to take his own children to school.

It's quite clear that when he moved countries for her, he gave up the career that he'd had, and became a dad who worked from home in a different job.

I sacrificed my own career to become a stay-at-home dad, working online as a property developer

He's not using the SAHD in the same context as we use SAHM. on here. He's just a dad WFH.

I'm a stay-at-home dad, managing the household while my wife works full-time. I handle tasks like laundry, cleaning, and taking the kids to their after-school activities. I work part-time, and I schedule my meetings to fit around our agreed-upon times. Since my wife works next to the school, she often drops one of our sons off.

Witchbitch20 · Yesterday 17:59

Leave her then. Apply for custody of the children and be the main carer.
It sounds as if when she’s out she behaves like a caged animal that’s been released, so quite likely there’s more to this than your version of the story.

Oh please. Women can be problem drinkers or just plain irresponsible dicks too, you know.

He didn't 'let slip' anything. The stay at home bit and the property developer bit are all in the same sentence that I quoted above.

Oh she works next door now, not just the same road. This just gets more and more convenient!

Oh my God, you’re clutching at straws.

It must be awful to ‘sacrifice your career’ by cutting your hours and being able to work from home.

Don’t like being caught in a lie do you? Some people might fall for your tale but some of us can see through it.

Jesus, you've really got it in for OP, haven't you?

See you right through what ?
The school being next door would mean it would have to be on the same road.

An ex of mine did this, binges, urinated in the wardrobe etc. It massively escalated and he claimed not to remember any of it. Hence ex!
I think your wife does need help, as this is not normal drinking and you are worried.
But your huge concern that she's shaming you in your community is a bit odd, as this is the least of your problems.
Teachers don't care what parents do, as long as the kids are in school and seem ok.
No-one will be not employing a "health and safety trainer" because they danced on a table one night.
Any embarrassment is for her to deal with, not you. If it affects her business she'll have to make up the shortfall.
Being the breadwinner, the school run mum, the wife of a public image conscious husband, and living in a small claustrophobic community may be getting a bit much for her?