Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

It speaks volumes…

That's revolting behaviour if any man I was with behaved like that he'd be gone. Absolutely disgusting. No excuse. You can have fun without behaving like this.

Exactly.

Several of us have noticed this. And OPs responses.

Yes, her parents are quite overbearing, and emotionally, she has always felt inadequate in their eyes. At the age of 22, her father tragically caused someone's death while driving under the influence, which led to a manslaughter conviction and some time in prison. Additionally, people in the community often talk about how he through a television out of the window while intoxicated in the block of flats where they lived.

Why does it? How can you possibly know the impact of OP taking the kids to school? It wasn't pre-arranged (although OP says that would have been fine) and you know nothing about the OP's work situation to understand whether or not it was a problem.

@CHEF123 you came on for advice. YOu've had a lot of people telling you that your wife's behaviour is not okay. To obsess over the odd comment that's negative is silly. Prioritise what you are going to do now. If it was me, I'd be sitting down and discussing with your wife that this level of alcohol, and the subsequent effects, just isn't something that should be happening. The missing work, the vomiting all over, the urinating on the floor... these are all lines that no one should be crossing and she must see that. Tell her you'll support her to get help.

What have you noticed ?
please elaborate

What about counseling? Even if it just to have a safe space to discuss how drunk she really gets?

Are you prepared to leave? What evidence do you currently have of her behaviour?

When you tell her what she did, when she sees her messages, does she blame herself or you? Or something else? Does she take any responsability for her behaviour?

You see, all the people saying poor thing must be her past or you or whatever, are rather missing the point. It matters not one fuck the why of the behaviour if there is no acknowledgement that it is an issue.

The issue with splitting up (which you should, IMO) is that you have to trust her when she does have the kids. And that is scary for you (& probably the kids). So she needs to be able to say "I'm going out can you have the kids" every single time.

How much do you think the kids might know already? And if you think they know nothing, think again.

Honestly my husband is a saint, but I would expect him to divorce me if I did this twice. I have once vomitted from alcohol in the 10 years we've been together. And the time before that I was 19. I'm now in my 50s.

And neither do you. Why wasn’t it pre arranged? If I had a rare night out planned, my DH would make sure that every single base is covered. Everything. And if he bleated on about being embarrassed because there were photos of me dancing on tables, and the ‘local community’ might see, he would be out the door. Sounds like OP’s wife is expected to be the pretty little housewife and do all domestic chores with no time for herself, and is dictated to how she should behave, to make OP look good. Every so often she self implodes and this happens.

I think you got your answer, OP.
My parents were emotionally abusive (it was considered normal then), father a drunken pig, mother a raging narcissist, another country.
It took me to get to 42 yo to realise I shouldn't have been hating myself, but these bastards.
Your wife needs help, if she cannot get there herself.
🍀

Ok well I was going on what was actually written down but everyone interprets things differently I guess.

You couldn't be more mistaken. I paid off our mortgage and relocated to her home country to support her career. I sacrificed my own career to become a stay-at-home dad, working online as a property developer. She often goes out, much more than I do since I'm still improving my language skills. Occasionally, she finds herself in these intoxicated situations, about once every six months or so

This is exactly what I see too.

"I don't want to be controlling, however..."

And the acting like it's somehow notable he took his own children to school.

He mentions he had to look after the children too. Can you imagine. On this occasion he had to look after his own children.

It's only because of his concern. What if a new client sees a picture of her on Facebook. Because that's what businesses do before hiring a health a safety course. Look up the employees of the health and safety company, search them on Facebook, find their private profile, add them as a friend, and stalk their recent social life.

It's double standards because "typically" and "usually" just mean "stereotypical received wisdom that doesn't have much basis in reality, and definitely can't be applied across the board to individual situations".

I have known plenty of relationships ended by men with no other woman lined up, also plenty by women who had their eyes on another man.

Female binge-drinking culture (hen parties and so on) is obviously not called "lads lads lads" but it's one and the same thing.

The heavy drinking is concerning - if it was a one off thing you could let it go but if it's regular then it seems like it's a problem.
It sounds like she is someone who probably shouldn't be drinking because she can't stop after one or two.

So you've repeated exactly what I said then.

If you think this behaviour is normal, I feel sorry for any kids you have, if any! I would be out the door if there was a chance my 4 year old needed a wee and found his parents piss and vomit all over the bathroom and that parent unable to get up and take them to school 🤮

So you’re husband of the year, yet you’re going on about the shame she has brought to you by going out and having a good time? And if you’re a stay at home dad, what’s the issue with you taking your own children to school? Especially when you know she’s out the night before and she works full time?

No, you said that when men and women end relationships you assume they do so for different reasons; and when men and women get drunk, they do so for different reasons. (The "women's" reasons being much more forgivable!)

And I said that was bullshit.

Please show me where I have said that piss and vomit all over the bathroom is normal?
And why was the stay at home dad unable to take his own children to school…?

If that's all you can interpret, despite what is written, I can't much help you there.

Bang on.

You basically said she's entitled to do what she wants. Sounds like he already does most of the stuff at home and she usually drops them to school on her way to work. She wasn't able to go to work either, hence unable to take them to school. Great role model.

So, I didn’t say that then, did I?

No, that's not what PP said at all.

PP is noticing the way OP speaks about his wife. What he thinks is a healthy dynamic on his part. And the correlation between that and her behaviour.