Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

There was NOTHING. I have to wonder if the posters who made let-her-hair-down, you're controlling comments are people who behave like your wife.

Hold her to this, and get support for you both. I think your family is fortunate to have you.

@CHEF123 you want to know the best way to handle the situation.

As far as I’m concerned, she is an alcoholic.
All the issues you raised about how it will look etc… all of that are things SHE needs to confront. It’s her life. The rumours are about her. She is tte one at risk of loosing her job.
There is nothing you can do unless SHE wants to change things. If she does THEN you’ll be able to support her implementing whatever she thinks will work for her.

In the mean time, you can step back when she goes out.
Id agree with her that you won’t check on her (as you’ve experienced, it won’t make any difference anyway. She’ll still do whatever she wants).
On that night, she comes back home and sleeps in the spare bedroom. She cleans whatever mess she creates. She deals with contacting work if she can’t get up.
You take the dcs to school as a matter of fact (I’m assuming being a SAHF, you ça easily do that a few times a year).

And more importantly, you need to decide what is a deal breaker for you. It has to be clear to you and to her.
Something like ‘If we ever find ourselves in a situation where <insert your limit there - she looses her job, it happens more than once a month, what ever>, then that will be it for us.

And ensure you are still employable/can find work easily because there is a real risk your marriage will implode unless she wakes up to the way she us hurting everyone in the family (you and the dcs)

Yep. Completely agree with this too.

It's hard to explain, but when you've been in a relationship with this dynamic, you recognise the tone. And it's there. It's massively there.

In the mean time, you need support for yourself.

And discussions on how this behaviour hurts you (not that much about what will the Jones think but how it makes you feel). And how it hurts the dcs (they’ll know. You can try to hide things, lie mummy is ill etc… they’ll know).

Try and see if she can explain why her drinking goes out of control and what she thinks can help. If she’d be happy to reach out for support (is there any support group like the AA or other organisations where you live?)
She is likely to not want to engage but you can only try.

Id wait until she feels better, is calm and you won’t be distracted to have those conversations too.

Leave him then, apply for full time custody of the children.

I’ve responded and answered this numerous times through the thread.

The absolute double standards on here.

There was a thread yesterday about a husband who got (moderately) pissed on holiday. He also had a history of binge drinking. The replies were almost exclusively in favour of the OP and the guy was throughly lambasted.

A woman does it? It’s probably her husband’s fault.

Your wife can’t moderate her drinking OP. Puking for hours, pissing on the floor and being verbally abusive? She needs to stop. You sound like a decent husband.

Absolutely correct @AllAboutNiamh

@AllAboutNiamh and @CHEF123 I absolutely agree, the double standards are shocking. Over the years I’ve read threads like this one where the OP is the wife of a binge- drinking husband and the husband’s behaviour was quite rightly called out for what it was. If this was a woman posting, the woman would not end up having to defend herself as she got victim blamed. To believe that anyone on MN would tell a woman in this situation with two small children, whose husband had been dancing on tables, got so drunk that they vomited and urinated on the bathroom floor then had to take a day off work leaving them to pick up the slack and literally clean up the mess, is ludicrous.
This isn’t normal socialising with friends, it’s a dangerous recurring binge-drinking spree with no thought for anyone but themselves. I’m sorry you’ve ended up defending yourself here OP, I’d be telling her she needs counselling or AA help, if she can’t drink without it ending up like this she should get help to moderate her intake or give it up completely. Time to set clear boundaries for yourself and your children with a proviso that she gets the help she needs. Problem drinking rarely packs up on its own. I speak from personal experience with a family member years ago. I wish you good luck.

Oh dear!
Please tell us your version.
You’re not his dw are you?????!

Read the whole thread.
He should leave her.

No, I’ve never vomited or urinated all over the bathroom so definitely not my “D”h.

Is it only on MN that there is only one version of the “truth”?

Perhaps she is bored at home and when she goes out she can't stop...

I guess the question is why she gets so drunk she wets herself?
to me that sounds like an unhappy person literally escaping from reality for a few hours. Maybe the two of you have different views on socialising so she rebels and does it more?

Or maybe she is too immature to control herself.

She needs help mate - she's lucky to have you. Most would have LTB long ago.

I'm sorry for your experience.

I'm not actually sure you can do anything here. She seems determined to carry on, and as you say, she's disingenuous when she apologises.

What is she like generally as a person? Is she the type that always pushes people, or doesn't respect boundaries?

There is something in what you've written which makes me wonder if she feels a level of contempt towards you. Dominant people often end up in unhappy relationships as they cannot be with another person like them - there would be far too much conflict and they wouldn't stand such behaviour from someone else.

So, they often end up with someone they perceive as a bit soft, or inferior to themselves. They need to be with that type of person as they wouldn't be able to tolerate anyone else, but at the same time, they have a level of contempt and disrespect for them.

They end up pushing their partners to breaking point, and then it's all tears, begging or accusations when their apologies aren't accepted.

Not necessarily. Some people are binge drinking alcoholics and it's no one else's fault. It's not OP's fault just because he's a man.

Alcoholics don't need a reason for getting drunk!

I dont know why youre getting such awful responses op. Ive just read through what youve written. My advice is it sounds like ultimatum time. You cant live in this state of anxiety. Ive been there and felt my H was a liability when he goes out. It left me anxious knowing he might have one of those nights where it all kicks off. Id suggest filming her next time this happens, show her the following day what state she came home in. Ultimately, you need to decide if you want to continue in this relationship. Sounds like her dad has issues with alcohol. Hers could get worse

OP: my spouse gets out of control drunk to the extent that they’re vomiting and urinating on the floor in the house where we have two young children. It’s making me feel shit and really anxious.

Mumsnet: have you thought about how it’s YOUR fault she’s drinking?

This. The sexism is unreal. (I'm a woman btw and I think the responses to the OP would be extremely different if he wasn't a man...)

@Startinganew32 perfect response. I had a close much-loved relative who passed away due to alcoholism and the idea that their desperate, loving, dedicated spouse got blamed, or pulled into their problem as being at fault, or hinted at that they might be part of the cause of it, is disgusting to me and I loved that relative deeply.
Nobody forces anybody to drink, it’s their choice. Once they are addicted, however, the choice element gets way harder and they need professional help to stop. Nobody else can stop them, either. The problem and the solution to it lies within them.
Whatever anybody’s problems are, the answers rarely lie in the bottom of a bottle and nobody puts the bottle in their hands.

The abused woman narrative is a red herring-straw man. She's quite clearly an alcoholic.

Her behaviour is a sign of problematic drinking. I would leave. I don't care what her demons are; living with this type of person will destroy a family. Vomiting and urinating are not signs of a good time; they are signs of a person with poor boundaries, especially when other men have been involved.
It's time for an ultimatum: the drink or the family. My partner left a woman like this; life is much easier than dealing with anyone like this. I would disown a friend like this, let alone a partner. If you were a colleague and you did this at a work event you'd be managed out.
Thankfully, "Wine O'clock" which was a marketing campaign aimed at women and encouraged drinking seems to have died a death. It wasn't ethical.