Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

Personally I think that her behaviour is repulsive behaviour for any parent, man or woman. I would be ashamed if my partner acted like that. She clearly has alcohol/ control issues. And even in my party days as a young, single adult I wouldn't have taken a sick day off for a hangover.

Did you miss that she was so pissed on a Tuesday night that she had to call in sick to work?

I agree OP getting his own kids up and out should be no issue. But her getting in such a state she puked and pissed everywhere and he had to clean it up and being too pissed/hungover to go to work is problematic behaviour. And if your own husband would “cover those bases” as standard you might want to think about your own behaviours.

I may not be the husband of the year, but she went out for dinner with her friends, not for a night out. I'm perfectly fine taking our children to school. Usually, she takes one of them since his school is right next to her workplace. However, she called in sick, which meant I had to take him to school and move my morning meetings around.
Why would I offer to take him to school when she works right next door and was supposed to go to work?

They’re having a good time, but it's been an irresponsible.

It sounds like he doesn't want to have embarrassing drunk photos of his wife because it could impact her job. A job that covers the cost of the household, seeing as he had to become a stay at home dad. If the roles were reversed the answers would be very different.

There's a difference between a planned night out (book a hotel, agree other parent will deal with kids solo the next day) and what seems to have happened here, which is a random weeknight meal that ended in out of control vomiting at home and calling in sick to work.

I don't think there's any misconception that this is ok repeat behaviour from her.

But the issue is not OP's ego. Despite his belief.

The issue is why a young mother with a career, the breadwinner, feels the need to self implode every 6 months. And the way the story is told by her poor suffering husband who sits at home all day.

All he can think of is himself. Look at her. Embarrassing him. Where's her "self respect for herself and her family."

Stretching a bit here. I'm absolutely certain you wouldn't be saying this if it was the husband pissing and vomiting and leaving it for the wife to clear up. And it's perfectly natural to be embarrassed. I'd be embarrassed if my husband was dancing on tables and pissing himself.

If she drinks she doesn’t come home. She should arrange to stay with a friend or at a hotel and then deal with the consequences of her puking and pissing all over the place.

Okay so there are clearly alcohol issues in the family. She should abstain altogether really. Feels a bit Paula Yates/Peaches Geldof.

Also there are a lot of people clearly in denial about their own drinking in this thread. If you felt the need to defend the OP's wife, perhaps you should look at your own life too.

I wouldn't be embarrassed. I'd be incredibly upset. Because for my husband to be so drunk he was dancing on a table, something would be so incredibly wrong, that the fact he was pissed and "shaming" me would be the absolute least of my concern.

Because this is the nature of alcohol and how some people react to it. They don’t have an off switch. You’re reading more into it than is there. Yes we only have his version, but that’s the same on every post. If this was a woman posting about a man no one would be suggesting she was controlling and that he was just letting his hair down and hey she’s a SAHM so what’s the issue? Well, not unless they had issues with alcohol themselves and drink in a similar way, of course.

Agree. Probably some uncomfortable truths for some posters.

Op, sorry you have gotten such crap from some people. I hope you can work things out together for your family.

No? I’m saying I’m usually a culprit for finding against a bloke on here, but I’m surprised at the responses you’re getting calling you abusive. It’s mental.

Perhaps some posters don't drink at all.

Perhaps the uncomfortable part is posters who have been with abusive men noticing how the OP speaks.

But, y'know, it's easier just to project it's another woman with a drink problem.

Consider me told off, naughty ttcat!!
My husband would cover all bases, such as making sure he’s free to take the children to school. No I wouldn’t expect him to clean up my piss or puke, and fyi I have never pissed on the floor (inside). He certainly would not shame me or feel embarrassed about me having fun whilst I’m out.
If you haven’t got so pissed you’ve puked then I pity your misspent youth!

If she is genuinely unable to manage her alcohol, then she has a drink problem.

I would insist she undergoes alcohol counselling and state that, as suggested here, that if she does not do so, you will ask her to leave the family home, divorce her and apply for full custody of the children. Make a diary note of what has happened this time (including missing work, unable to do the school run, soiling herself and family bathroom etc) and look back through your diary to notate the previous times. I would also log your anxiety and the reasons with your GP as you may benefit from some talk therapy but, again, it would be evidence for a custody hearing.

She can either step up and change, or you will have to make a serious decision. For example, what if she DID choke on her vomit, what if she did wander out in the road drunk and get hit by a car - how would you handle that with two small children at home? Who would you call to take care of them when taking her to/going to hospital?

She needs to understand the implications of her behaviour on you and your kids. And yes, I like a bit of a drink and to let my hair down as much as the next woman but I - nor my friends - have never got so legless on a school night that we are either incapable of parenting at all or even merely at risk of being over the limit when driving our kids to school the next morning.

A stay at home dad who had to cancel his meetings because he works at home as a property developer…? Does he want to be the martyr stay at home dad or does he want to be the property developer who doesn’t actually take his kids to school because he’s not actually a stay at home dad?

Well going out drinking when you have young kids isn’t great tbh so I wouldn’t frame it in terms of her “being allowed” because it’s actually quite neglectful. Some of these replies are quite permissive because she’s a woman. Imagine if a bloke went out drinking and came home pissing and vomiting everywhere. Everyone would tell the wife to divorce him which is what I think the OP should do. She sounds out of control.

You wouldn't say that if the sexes were reversed.

The fact she was verbally abusing you is bang out of order. Was it about a subject you know she is genuinely unhappy about, and she just gets angry about it when drunk? It sounds like she's not very happy if this all comes out in such a negative way.

When she's sober and not hungover, I hope you can try and talk to her to see what's wrong. Is she unhappy in your relationship, in work, is there anything you need to be doing better? It could be that she really just can't handle her booze.

The thing about her being the 'head of the health and safety committee' or whatever had nothing to do with whether she should be out dancing on a Tuesday night. That in itself is totally fine, it's just she obviously doesn't know her limits.
But you should be more concerned about her welfare more than the reputation you think she'll get among the locals in your village.

Going out and having fun is fine. But it's clear she's not having much fun by the end of it and neither are you, understandably.

I can assure you I would.

Yes I have puked through alcohol, when I was in my youth before I had kids, certainly not now (I don’t drink at all anymore). What’s that got to do with the OP?

I think this is key. My DP when drinking would be the perfect company 90% of the time- fun, funny & home in bed merry. The problem was the other 10% where he took offence to things, got argumentative, maudlin, didn't want to leave, & often in front of others. It happened, like you, every 6 months to a year. He was very remorseful every time. He's an amazing partner & dad, so I accepted his apologies.

However, after a handful of times I put my foot down & said that he stops drinking or I was gone. He did. Our relationship was and is much more important than a few drinks.

It's been over 10 years since he stopped (together 14), & he has the very occasional beer at a party, or one glass of red when out at dinner, but that's it. Your wife needs to do this, or get help to do it.