Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

Oh stop it. She's got a drink problem and a lack of respect for her husband problem. Why because she's a woman it must be down to his behaviour? Nonsense.

OP I had a husband like this. Note past tense. It's an unbearable way to live. It was easier for me to leave him I guess as I was both main earner and default parent so he slotted right out but that's what I would do in your situation.

This won't stop because you want her to. I'd divorce her and apply to be the main carer if this happens on a week night. Presumably every other weekend and one night a week will work better for you all.

But don't be in a hurry. Get all your ducks sorted. Find accommodation, get all the evidence, see a lawyer etc because this will get nasty. She doesn't believe she or drinking are the problem. You will be the person she blames.

While her behaviour isn’t great listen to the way you talk about her! You’re married, you’re not her parent!!! People get drunk and let off steam- even if she does have a problem you sound in a different world to get and like you’re judging and looking down on her and like a parent. She started lashing out because somethings wrong and it all just came out of her. Talk to her

You're making excuses for poor behaviour and alcohol addiction and showing no consideration for the fact that this man is being damaged By his wife's alcoholism. I would have (and probably did) say much much worse about my husbands behaviour on mumsnet back in the day. It's vile.

GuestFeatu

They’re two people who got married-assuming they love each other! His post is more about how it’ll look, how people will judge, how she’ll get her work done and get up for the kids than the fact she didn’t answer, was angry and upset. Their kids are so young- given she works and does the school run would you not assume there’s an issue? If this has happened 6 times is that alcohol addiction or her going out with her friends getting pissed?

Agree. Of course OP is disgusted br her behaviour. Getting so drunk you piss yourself and repeatedly vomit is a problem. OP is afraid she will choke on her vomit in her sleep. I have been there and it's no way to live.

If you get so drunk you piss yourself you have a drinking problem. If your partner is afraid of you aspirating on vomit because you've passed out you have a drinking problem. This is not just social drinking, it's compulsive binging. The intervals between binges will keep getting shorter. She's a problem drinker now, and with this pattern of drinking it often becomes full blown binge alcoholism.

Yes, it's alcohol addiction. Being disgusted and ashamed of your alcoholic partner is fairly normal to be honest. And why shouldn't he be worried about her getting up with the kids and going to work? She did neither in the end, which presumably caused him to have to change his routine to accommodate her incapacity. Why shouldn't he be angry?

I’ve only shared the situation so far. If this were a one-time occurrence, I wouldn’t be reaching out here.

I spoke with her last night. She feels very embarrassed and has decided to stop drinking, and I truly hope this change lasts.

To clarify for some of you, I want to assure you that I am not abusing my wife. My main concern is her well-being.

Could you please help me understand what I said that was considered derogatory or inaccurate? Why do you believe I would be abusing her?

People can see it.

It's just typically, men behave like this because they are entitled and disrespectful. When you see a woman behaving like this, it's usually because of something else.

Not always. But most typically.

I would also wonder why she goes out once every 6mths or so, and yet she was expected to be up at 6am to do the school run when clearly OP was available.

She is an independent individual who can go out whenever she chooses. Although she regularly goes out, incidents like this occur only about once every six months.

On this occasion, she went out for dinner and was catching the last train home. Her workplace is located on the same road as our son’s school.

I would gladly take our children to school, but it wasn’t planned in advance.

I would tell her she needs to get her drinking under control or you are taking the kids and leaving. You and the children shouldn’t have to live with that.

staying out late from time to time is not the issue. It is that she is binge drinking to the point she loses bladder control and is vomiting. She has an alcohol problem and she needs to get help.

So woman goes out once or twice a year and gets bladdered? Husband is forced to do the school run because she has a hangover?

Not ideal but hardly crime of the century.

She also had her spouse clean up a mess while being verbally abusive and couldn't make it to work....

GuestFeatu

Because sometimes horror of horrors you can cut pay bit of slack and take over the school run. Not ideal but not the crime of the century and not worth being angry over in the giant scheme of things!!

This happens once a year, or twice a year. Hardly great. But hardly regular.

Once is too much , let alone once or twice a year having to clean up your partners vomit and urine.

I don’t drink but more than happy for my partner to drink , as he wouldn’t disrespect me or himself by getting into that state and leaving it for me to clean up.

OP, I’m glad that she’s agreed to stop drinking.

Interestingly there’s a thread on here atm about a woman with a similar issue. Her husband binge drinks and a lot of people didn’t initially recognise that he had an alcohol problem.

I realise I am responding from the perspective of someone who was married to a binge drinker but I find the minimising of her alcohol dependency and the impact on her husband and kids to be quite grim.

So bladdered she vomits all night and pisses herself, leaving her spouse to clean up or expose her children to her body waste. Totally fine and normal.

What are or is her underlying issue that she is becoming so intoxicated.
Ask her when she has recovered.
Somethings going on or has she no limits.

This. Good luck.
Ultimately you can't control what she does- you can only control your response.

And a woman would be getting the same advice as most have given here- to leave.

Absolutely! Why do people assume as she's the woman she must not have any time to herself other than to get wasted every 6 months?! The advice should be the same either sex. I would make her clean up herself and still get the children to school.

I dunno. So far we know that twice a year she gets very drunk, has danced on tables and this time she puked and peed herself. She intends to go out and have dinner and a few drinks but goes over the score and can't drive the next day.

It's quite easy for women to drink too much. Pre period especially. It's not the same amount of alcohol men need to drink to get so pissed. Is it the same people this happens with? Does she puke and pee every time? Or is she just pissed and uncontactable and comes in very much worse for wear?

She sounds like she is responsible in every other way but twice a year binges and suffers the consequences?

This OP.
You need to document this, for your children's sake.

It’s a massive issue that needs addressing.

I can’t believe the number of people who think incontinence and vomiting is ‘letting your hair down’. It is an alcohol problem that will eventually destroy any family.