Wife behaviour gives me anxiety

[CHEF123]

My wife went out for dinner with two friends on a Tuesday evening and mentioned she would catch the last train home at 10:55 PM. We live in a rural area, so when I hadn't heard from her by 11:05 PM, I called to check if she made it onto the train. Her friend answered and informed me that my wife was still at the pub, dancing, and seemed quite intoxicated.

I managed to speak with her, and she was clearly under the influence, despite having to work and do the school run at 6 AM the next morning. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4, and I asked her when she would be home. She refused to respond and hung up on me. I tried calling again, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted to say she was getting a taxi home.

When she arrived, she verbally lashed out at me before vomiting and urinating on the bathroom floor. The verbal abuse continued as she crawled to bed, where she kept vomiting for the next 12 hours. I ended up taking both of our sons to school while she took a sick day from work.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I've made it clear that I want to be with someone I can trust. I don’t mind her going out and drinking, but she often ends up in these situations, which worries me about her safety.

We live in a small community, and she is the head of the health and safety office. There are pictures of her dancing on tables at the pub while intoxicated on a Tuesday night, and that’s not the image I want for our family. I'm feeling really embarrassed.

This type of situation has occurred multiple times. We might go for six months or even a year without any issues, but eventually, we find ourselves back in this place. Occasionally, there are other men involved, but I don't believe she cheats. However, she has deleted pictures before. She tends to use small lies to manipulate situations, which makes it difficult for me to understand where I truly stand.

Any advice?

Firstly it depends is it once every 6 months or is it once a month or is it once a week. There's a big difference here. I as s woman wouldn't care if my partner man once every month or every six month went out with mates got ratted . I would care if every week see the difference. Maybe the clients would think she's fun it sounds like you r embarrassed of her that's your feelings which is fair enough . The wrong thing here is her not letting you know she's gonna be late thats bang out of order. Plus the abuse. But being sick or urinating yes I would be pissed off and prob have a chat

Are you sure she didn’t have her drink spiked?

Also, whilst not nowadays, I have in my youth drunk to the point of being sick. And been hungover terribly. Like really sick as a dog. Never ever wet myself though. I can't drink much either, I'm just a total lightweight.

My friend's sister hardly ever drinks. When she does, it's a tiny amount, like half what would make lightweight me ill (as above)

She isn't sick, nor gets hangovers. She does, however, fall asleep within about half an hour, and almost immediately wets herself.

Not justifying that it's acceptable, but my friend's sister doesn't have a drink problem. This is just how it affects her - difference being, she recognises that and no longer drinks.

This isn't normal behaviour, especially for a woman. I'm by no means saying it's normal in men, but it's really really not normal in women, especially those with young children. You need to look at why. Because this sounds like a pattern of build up until the point of explosive release.

I am surprised at how tame some of the comments are on this. Can you imagine if this was reversed and this was a man behaving this way? Drunkenly verbally abusing his partner, staying out and getting so intoxicated they don't make contact with their partner back home, urinating and vomiting and letting their OH clean it up! There would be uproar on here. Everyone saying leave him, kick him out and calling him all the names under the sun!! Asking why the OP had not left and taken the kids with them! 🙄

Because its a woman she needs help or she needs to let her hair down. Really?

Her behaviour is disgraceful and she needs to grow up. No-one is saying you can't have a night out and enjoy yourself but no-one needs to get that pissed that they behave that way and come home and abuse their partner. Its totally unacceptable and you need to tell her so. Roles reversed would she be so willing to put up with it? I doubt it.

I believe this situation really comes down to the boundaries established within our marriage and what we both accept. My wife and I have had several discussions about her binge drinking, which has previously caused issues in our relationship. We each have expectations of one another, and honesty and respect are paramount.

One challenge we face is living in a small town where everyone knows each other. While I’m all for having fun, it’s concerning to think about our son’s teachers potentially witnessing his mother dancing on a table at a restaurant while completely intoxicated, especially considering she has completed health and safety training for the school.

It’s also disheartening to see some people overlook the seriousness of this situation and suggest that her behavior might stem from abuse on my part. The real issue lies in the inconsistency of her drinking. Some nights she goes out and is fine, while other times it spirals out of control, which causes me a great deal of anxiety.

Would I be considered a good husband if I simply let her do as she pleases? If I didn't check in to ensure she would get home safely? If I turned a blind eye to the mess left behind? Juggling the responsibilities of our children while dealing with these issues is incredibly challenging.

To reach a point where you’re vomiting for 12 hours requires a significant amount of alcohol consumption. Surely, this raises concerns about her safety. I worry about the risks she faces, whether it’s getting into the wrong taxi or falling asleep on the roadside.

It’s a tough situation

Always the same here! Ridiculous and blatant double standards.
OP, I've been with my DH 22 years and once last year I got so drunk I vomited. No excuse for my behaviour but I didn't realise how strong a drink was and I got carried away.
This is one occasion in 22 years.
I was so mortified and full of self hatred. There's no way I could get like that again.
Have you sat your wife down and had a serious discussion about this? You need to ask her why she gets into such a state and how she feels about it. It can't go on. Obviously she should go out and have fun, but she needs to learn when to stop.

She clearly has an issue with alcohol and needs to stop drinking all together she sounds like a binge drinker. I'd give her an ultimatum and tell her either she quits or you'll leave her and seek 50/50 custody.
I'd also stop cleaning up her urine 🤮 and vomit and leave it for her to do, maybe she'll remember then!

She was in a night out, you should have offered to do the school run anyway?

it smacks that her going out is a rare occasion and gets carried away? Like “I’m out, it’s a rarity, so let’s go out out”. Maybe she needs to find a regular let of steam event or activity? Not necessarily drink based, maybe a quiz after work, Zumba? If she’s out, she should make plans for a safe return? Pre booked taxi? If I’m out late with work it’s a hotel stay, not a risking falling asleep on the train etc DH on duty for bed time and morning routine.

I am female and I find this shocking !

I can’t believe there isn’t an outcry and the only reason is because a woman is doing this .

If my other half did this I wouldn’t want to stay . It’s disgusting tbh getting in such a state not only being sick but being unable not to wee on herself .
I think you would be better off alone raising the kids . As you couldn’t leave the kids with her .

Your wife needs to grow up she has no respect for you . She is doing god knows what and you are left to hold the kids and clean up the carnage she creates. .

Just no @CHEF123

Same here. Been with my DH for 22 years. Bearing in mind that we both like to have fun, go out and have a drink. In that time there have been 2 occasions each where we have drank a little too much and been sick. Not all over the floor though, in the toilet, and we have had to help each other to bed. Neither of us has been abusive to the other one and both have felt mortified the next day. We are not teenagers anymore and don't need to get that bladdered that we act that way. Been there, done that!

We have had children, a business to run and responsibilities at home so we know where our alcohol boundaries are as we both need to be able to fully function the next day. There is really no need to get that drunk especially when you are coming home to your family and puking and peeing and being verbally abusive to your partner. Its disgusting behaviour. Maybe I am sensitive to this but I have been married to a binge drinker who did this to me every weekend and the anxiety was hideous. It was no way to live. Always wondering if he was going to choke on his own vomit, would he wonder round the house peeing everywhere, would he try and cook food and set the kitchen on fire? I have little respect for anyone who gets this drunk and behaves this way towards someone they are supposed to love.

Shocking double standards on this thread, anytime it's a man behaving like this it's an immediate LTB, but a woman, OP is being accused of abuse and control!!!
Women can be arseholes they're not all victims of something.

Absolutely! Apparently she just needs to find another way to let off steam. The double standards on here are ridiculous!!!

If you had read the post, you would know that she works on the same road as our son’s school and drops him off on her way to work. She called in sick for work. It's not uncommon for her to behave this way; it tends to happen every six months or so. She didn't go out for a night on the town—she just had dinner with her friends, yet that shouldn't result in vomiting and urinating on the floor.
also, may I add she goes out regularly.

If I were to pre-book her a taxi, you would likely accuse me of being controlling. I’m not going to book her a hotel just so she can stay out after dinner with her friends. Some of you seem to have a very different perspective on this situation.

I'm quite shocked by some of these responses.

If my DH was behaving like this every few months or even once pissing and puking on the bathroom floor a few hours before the kids need to get up and ready for school I would not be pondering how it might somehow be my fault and how he needed to "let off steam".

Bloody hell the double standards are incredible.

OP you are quite entitled to be concerned and also pretty horrified by your wife's actions here. In a small town it's mortifying for you and pretty awful for the kids for her to behave in this way. It sounds like the drinking is a real problem though and that is a hard thing to deal with.

Saying she won't drink again is all very well but I don;t imagine it will last. I suggest you have a plan in place for when this happens again - she has to move out, arrangements thought through for the kids etc because if this happens again and life just carries on then it will only get worse.

Hi Op
Addiction counsellor here.
Even occasional binge drinking can lead to more serious issues with alcohol. Your wife's behaviour is having an impact on the family and when this happens, it can lead to a huge change in family dynamics. I realise that your children are young now, but they may already be aware.
I would suggest sitting down and talking with your wife calmly, ask her if there is something troubling her and gently tell her the impact it is having on you and the kids, but do not shout or argue. This will have a negative effect and can also lead to her justifying her drinking.
There is help available for both of you. Your wife can visit her GP in the first instance and as another poster said, Al-Anon are a great resource for support.

Please do not take this lightly, it can be a warning sign of things to come and if you can support your wife now, it may avoid future issues.

I can’t believe there isn’t an outcry and the only reason is because a woman is doing this .

There is an outcry, as with many threads there’s no consensus but tbf many posters including myself have said it’s unacceptable.

I’m typically fairly anti-men but even I am slightly gobsmacked at the responses on here.

The OP is abusive and controlling and she’s just blowing off steam. Riiiiiiiight.

Are you being sarcastic?

Last sentence nails it.

And yes, even if this thread were a reverse and a man was trying to see if we’d let it slide when a woman does it, absolutely not. It’s selfish, unfair, immature ( and actually quite self-destructive) behaviour not worthy of a marriage.

I agree with @SummerScarf and @Lulubellamozarella re the double standards.

My heart goes out to the partner of the drinker, looking for advice about something they can't control but impacts them and their children hugely.

She is she thinks it’s disgusting . If a women was saying my man is sick all over the floor he peed himself he was abusive . The kids couldn’t be ran too school as he called in sick . The answers would all be to leave him !

Your wife has problems . They problems don’t mean you have to take this behaviour .

What they would say to a women on here is get your ducks in a row.
In other words get yourself sorted to be a single Parent . At the best possible position you can be emotionally and financially for your kids.

While I think there is an element of double standards, I don’t think it’s as simple as that.

There’s another thread on here with several posters minimising the OPs husbands binge drinking and suggesting Op is controlling . I don’t think in that thread the husband was urinating, but his behaviour is still bad and unsettling.

I’ve seen other threads in the past which minimise binge drinking partners as well.

Maybe partly because if British binge drink culture?

To be clear I’m not downplaying it all, as I’ve said it’s disgusting having to clean up after his wife.

And I wouldn’t accept it from a partner - I’ve made a similar comment on this thread as I did on the other thread with the man who has a problem with alcohol. Not acceptable!

But my point is there’s a wider problem here with people failing to identify what a binge drinker /someone with an alcohol problem is irrespective of whether it’s a man or woman.

I can. Assuming it’s genuine it’s amazing how women can be given all sorts of passes on here for bad behaviour that the husbands mostly certainly wouldn’t get. I can’t imagine anyone on here telling a woman there must be more to this as to why he has to ‘let his hair down’ implying there’s controlling behaviour by the sober one.

Some people (men and women) just don’t know when to stop. Once gets a pass but if it seems part of their personality then I’d be done.

What several times a year? That's very bad luck...

It’s just foul behaviour. Man or woman, you don’t get to reduce yourself to that level once you have children. She can’t even get them to school.