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Original poster

Partner continues to holiday with Ex

225 replies

Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 08:21

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 20/09/2024 08:24

He’s not going to change so you have two options - accept it or leave him?

shellyleppard · 20/09/2024 08:25

My advice...... get rid of him. He's too emotionally and physically involved with his ex. Yes his daughter wants her daddy all the time, but if he keeps spending time together then she's going to think they are still together. It's not worth the hassle in my opinion

Codlingmoths · 20/09/2024 08:26

You say I don’t think our lives are compatible. Your ex is still in charge of your life and I’ve decided I need a relationship with someone who can go on holiday with me, instead of someone who only goes on holidays with their ex.

StolenChanel · 20/09/2024 08:28

There is a fine line between excellent co-parenting and still being in a relationship with the parent of your child. I’m not sure which this is, but purely based on how it makes you feel I say it’s best to say goodbye.

Daleksatemyshed · 20/09/2024 08:35

Leave, there's no room for you in this set up

ThirstyThursday · 20/09/2024 08:37

send this one back, it's faulty!

if she's such a Daddy's girl & very vocal, able to express herself so well, his Ex doesn't need to be there when he has his DD.

Ex can go on holiday with her family/friends or use the opportunity to make some new friends.

or they can carry on & they are & he can accept he doesn't have the space in his life for a(nother) girlfriend.

Get out now while it's still very new, yes it'll hurt but less now than any point in the future. He is not going to change.

averythinline · 20/09/2024 08:39

Pre booked holiday one thing .. the rest of it is bullshit.. especially the last one where she needs a holiday so she joins his ! Also her comment that he can't go with you .... He could call that out..

Dump him.... He's still involved/enmeshed in their family set-up and hasn't moved on... This will be constant grief for you...

Find someone that wants to go on holiday with you... Not their ex

Cupooee · 20/09/2024 08:41

OP, he has mislead you from the beginning.
He is hugely involved and continues to be with his Ex.
There is no room for you in his life.
He will continue to string you along.
His daughter is rightly his priority as he left when she was tiny.
You are not compatible.
Next time listen to your gut.
His continued sending you photos when you asked him not to should have been another warning to you.

Original poster
Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 08:50

Yesterday, I tried to explain how I felt in all of this, and he said he isn’t doing anything wrong, his mum is going with them, and if he wanted to get back with his ex he would have (she still wants them to be together) by now, or if he wanted to sleep with her, he doesn’t need to go on holiday to do that. He said that he will do what he wants to do with his daughter, as she’s his priority.

I told him I completely understand that, I have two DC’s myself… but me and their dad aren’t round each others houses every night, or going on holiday together. As far as I’m aware, his ex doesn’t have many family members, she has a sister, but both of her parents have passed away.

Whilst I wasn’t happy about the initial holiday, I tried my best to understand the situation… but now I feel as though I’m being taken for a mug. He’s basically admitted that he won’t say no if she asked again in future… again, reiterating the fact that he wants his DD to spend time with both parents together.
He said that we can book a holiday together soon, and I told him that even if we did, she would make his life hell leading up to it, and during, using his DD against him, because he would be with me.

I’m struggling to see how this is going to work moving forward.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 20/09/2024 08:53

The first pre booked holiday yes and I think maybe you were a bit paranoid as he was open with you from the start about that.

The rest I’d say he’s still far too enmeshed with his ex emotionally. Unfortunately that’s one good reason not to date recently separated men - it takes a long time to be in the right place for dating and he’s rushed into something new before he’s ready to cut the ties with his ex.

Id cut your losses OP because he’s not in the right place to fully move on and this will end in heartbreak I feel

category12 · 20/09/2024 08:57

I think you should bail.

WickedStepmotherWasJustMisunderstood · 20/09/2024 09:03

That is absolutely ridiculous.

I wouldn't even bother trying to make this work, it's so beyond the realms of a normal co-parenting relationship that it's very clear something else is going on between him and his 'ex'. There are no boundaries. It suggests a lack of desire to move of and points to your DP being thoroughly irrational.

Run.

Puppalicious · 20/09/2024 09:10

Another adding to the chorus of run, he’s too enmeshed, and it will make you unhappy. However that’s easier said than done, as I know because I’ve been there! It wasn’t worth how shitty it made me trying to assert some boundaries, I was made to feel like some unreasonable jealous woman when in reality no partner would be happy with it.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 20/09/2024 09:10

He's been very clear that he see's nothing wrong with what he's doing. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not, it's pointless debating it because he's not going to change his mind on it.

So you have no control over that. The only choice you can control is your own. Either accept that this is the way it's going to be, or leave the relationship.

Dweetfidilove · 20/09/2024 09:13

@Beenzzandcheeze Your first post have a list of actions that have made you uncomfortable.

The man couldn't even resist the urge to send you pictures, which you told him would cause you discomfort. This shows he has no empathy, and as you've seen, no boundaries.

My question to you is - why are you ignoring all your discomfort to push ahead with this relationship? I can see why he wants to spend as much time as he can with his daughter, and at two years old she probably shouldn't be bouncing from home to home. This does mean, however, that this entanglement will always leave you feeling like the third wheel. Why would you continue with a man whose circumstances are not conducive to having a relationship that makes you feel secure? You are choosing this.

forevernumb · 20/09/2024 09:14

He wants to do this and you have a woman who is using their child to lure him in in more ways than is necessary. I would get rid of him.

tolerable · 20/09/2024 09:15

Dump him.
Not because he is devoted to his wee girl. Specificlly cos hes being really disrespectful to you. Walk and dont look back-hes never bloody round anyway.
Honestly - you are perfectly capable of being miserable by your own self-fuck him.

lololulu · 20/09/2024 09:25

You can't complain about the first holiday as he did tell you and you could have ended things before they got serious.

Seeing his kid every day? I can't blame him.

Swimming? Maybe he could take her on his own?

The holidays now are too much. She either takes her away on her own or allows the dad to without her. She can't have it both ways.

Lors72 · 20/09/2024 09:25

Red flags are waving honey. Being the new partner to someone with a child & ex still on the scene can be very difficult. But your partner isn't playing fair and sounds like he is going to expect you to take a back seat & keep quiet.
This won't change.
It's hard when you love someone but consider your future and what you want it to look like.
I would suggest move on and find someone who truly cares about you.
You deserve better.
X

sunflowersngunpowdr · 20/09/2024 09:26

I think you should end it tbh. Sounds like there is still something there between them. Perhaps there is still a chance they can make it work for their daughters sake.

cestlavielife · 20/09/2024 09:28

It s not going to work.

BigAnne · 20/09/2024 09:36

@Beenzzandcheeze OP move on. You need and deserve better.

JeremiahBullfrog · 20/09/2024 09:38

She still wants him and they clearly get on quite well. Why did they even break up?

MadRapper · 20/09/2024 09:38

If I were in your shoes and I didn't trust the guy then i would leave. Because you worried about it all the time isn't healthy and then how you are towards him isn't good either. If you can't trust somebody it's a loosing battle. I'd say plan holidays with all of you but if she's using his DC as a pawn to keep you from going well then he should have some backbone and stick up for you I think. It's his kid too. If his Kid cry's for him I don't it would matter if he came alone or with his new gf. That's a my opinion

QueenBakingBee · 20/09/2024 09:41

OP if he knows that the ex till wants to be with him, I think its cruel that he's being so available - its giving the ex false hope that he'll eventually want to get back together. I had this with my ex, he wanted to continue the family together stuff and wrapped it up saying its for the kids. Its not. And its not ok for him to be ruled by the emotions of a 2 year old. He needs to be willing to make new arrangements for seeing his child, away from the enmeshed family dynamic. In the long run, this will help everyone involved get used to the new set up. Does he ever have his child on his own?

Ultimately, you've gone along with this for long enough. Its perfectly acceptable to draw your own boundaries and if he continues to choose the arrangement, then you have your answer.