Partner continues to holiday with Ex

[Beenzzandcheeze]

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

Why doesn’t he just go to court and get 50/50 or whatever he wants? He’s choosing to act like he can’t do anything. I suspect he rather enjoys two women fighting over him.

Sadly I think the ex won't accept the relationship is over and he's allowing her to dictate terms. He probably feels very guilty about leaving. The ex obviously hasn't moved on, though I doubt him returning to that relationship would ever work.

They both need to move on, but you can't force that. I think you're in a very tricky situation. Has the ex started dating at all? If she moves on, he will probably no longer be wanted by her. Or she may be vindictive and not let this drop for years.

So he doesn't have a CAO in place? If he cares so much about his DD, he should be sorting this out so contact time is in the agreement.

I would walk from this one OP, it's not normal but you know that.

Move on, this is not going to change. I've seen this before. Eventually even assuming you bit your lip hard, there would be financial issues rearing its head...mumy can't afford to go on holiday etc...he pays for her too.

Can you imagine another decade of this....

I agree with PP’s, end it now. It’s too messy.

Yep, got your answer in the first response. He’s fine to have a close relationship with ex, it’s equally fine for you to be uncomfortable with that relationship. But you can’t make him change and he absolutely should put his daughter first so if you don’t like what putting her first looks like for him…

Was there much time between them splitting and you getting together?

It sounds like she still thought there was a chance they would get back together and feels that you're responsible for preventing that.

Did they try couples' counselling, or did he just up and leave his young child?

How long have you known him? Do you know for sure they had definitely separated when he left her? From the way she feels, it all sounds very rushed and that there is some unfinished business between them.

If you don't want this to be your life, you need to walk away.

I think he’s behaving like a good father. I wish more men were this considerate. Why did he leave his ex?

Being as respectful as I can, it’s not going to work.
Things will never change as everyone else is happy with this arrangement.
You only have 2 options and that’s to accept it or call it a day, and ultimately only you can decide.

I can’t understand these comments. He sounds like a dad who is prioritising his child and ensuring his ex partner doesn’t have to share time 50:50 with her very young child. I personally would far prefer this arrangement than handing my child over for 50% of the time which when my kids were small would have broken me. He sounds like a lovely dad.

As for OP, I think you’re onboard with this or you’re not. You don’t have a choice here and you’re not in a position to control what he believes is right for his daughter.

IMHO you both have a right to your feelings. I think you probably need to leave him as it’s hurting you and so this relationship isn’t right.

You are trying to get him to see your point of view and he can’t. His ex has made it impossible for him to move on by using his DD…..your life will be hell for years. You need to leave.

I couldn’t live like this. It’s obvious his ex would like them to get back together. She’s most likely hoping if they continue to spend lots of time together then it may happen. From what you say it sounds like she’s using their dd against him if she doesn’t do what he says. My BIL had similar situation with his ex though she did this while they were together. If he didn’t do as she said he wouldn’t see his dd. He stayed with her for 18 years, he was so unhappy but he knew if he didn’t he wouldn’t get to see his dd. Very sad.

Were you the other woman? Because if a holiday was already booked then they hadn't separated long when you both got together.

This isn't suiting you. Nor would it suit most people.
What are you actually getting out of this set up?. A load of stress,upset and disrespect by the sound of it.
He's selfish, inconsiderate and probably full of shit. You deserve a better partner.
Leave them to play happy families and move on with your life girl!

He sounds like a great dad.
if he wanted to be with his ex he would be.

either get on board or jump! But don’t try and stop him being a dad

So she’s a bitch.

And this is what you can look forward to if you stay with him.

Common sense, @Beenzzandcheeze— use it.

Sending love and the strength of Wonder Woman. ❤️

People this devoted to their children who get on well enough with each other to spend evenings and holidays together don’t usually split up. It takes something like an affair to push people into finishing a relationship like this. Maybe he was unfaithful and she split up with him. They now behave like they are still together but because they are officially split he is allowed to have a relationship on the the side. Whatever the situation, I wouldn’t stay with him unless you just want something very casual and undemanding.

How is she a ‘bitch’?

WOW!

She’s the mother of his two year old. A very small child. There maybe 101 reasons for her to struggle with the idea of 50:50 contact and he has been flexible enough and willing enough to support her with that. Maybe through guilt, maybe because it suits his own needs to not miss a day of his child’s life. His mother clearly is on board and close to her and her granddaughter.

No one is a ‘bitch’ here.

This relationship doesn’t meet the needs of OP and that is all.

I hope to see your post where you tell us you have ended this OP. Please find a man not so emeshed with his ex , you deserve that .

Fantastic dad
He wants to spend every available moment with his kid. You should be proud of him

Then he should have stayed with the child’s mother!

The ex is manipulating and black mailing him ,
They need to get back together or accept it’s over and make a nee routine and stability for the child .

This is confusing for adults never mind the small child .

Many years ago, I was in a situation a bit like this. The guy in question tried to put boundaries in place, the child was a similar age. It escalated to the point that the child was admitted to hospital, having apparently swallowed a packet of beta blockers. The child had to have their stomach pumped. A three year old. This was the lengths the girl went to to get him back. Please, OP leave before this gets any worse.

I’ve had this out with him, and he just says that he doesn’t want to miss out on the day to day life of his daughter, and the little moments like putting her to bed etc. He just reiterates that he isn’t missing out on any of her life just because her parents have separated.

And that's fine because that works for him.

It doesn't work for you so it's also fine for you to say that and walk away.

This is one of the situations where you just have to accept that your lives are not compatible.

He co-parents in a way that, at least currently, works for him and his ex. It doesn't work for you. Neither of you, understandably, wish to compromise on that so you're simply not compatible.

I wouldn’t bother continuing this. You’re not being unreasonable at all and good luck to him finding a new gf who does want to put up with this. They’ve separated but still living like a couple. He should be insisting on contact at his own place and having his DD for sleepovers. Her mum is preventing that as she wants to see him still. He’s never going to change, this will go on for years yet given she’s so small.

I don't know how you think he's your partner? You're someone he is casually dating at best, surely you see that with his attitude?