Partner continues to holiday with Ex

[Beenzzandcheeze]

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

I’m assuming the divorce/separation was I instigated by him? If so he has having his cake and eating it and dressing it up as time with his daughter. He is literally
living two lives. One as a happy family and one where you are his girlfriend. He is not willing to mix the two and I categorically would not accept this.

The adult thing to do, and to be frank the least confusing thing for his poor DD, would be to agree to a proper custody arrangement. At the moment it is so confusing for everyone, and even though he’s saying he doesn’t want to miss out on anything it is his daughter who will suffer.

I would 100% step away from this. I think you know deep down this is a messy situation and he will not now, or possibly ever prioritise you.

You can't live like this and he shouldn't have to change, his daughter comes first. It's great how they can still do holidays etc. parental harmony is number one priority to ensure happy kids after a separation.
But it's okay that you don't like it.

My ex comes away with me and the kids, or did on our last trip, and will for the next few holidays. I'm not sure how it would look if he got a girlfriend.
But the kiss goodbye to DD is off.

Will he ever stop seeing his DD every night? My ex wanted to see the kids every night and it felt suffocating. I wanted him go have that relationships but I couldn't keep the usual routine.

Re the holiday with him, ex and his mum, if there's multiple rooms why can't you go too? Or at least suggest it and see his reaction? Unfortunately it seems like his ex is always going to make it difficult for you and he isn't going to give up time with his daughter so i think the only thing you can fo is bow out and leave them to it.

I’m sorry @Beenzzandcheeze but it sounds like you’re the OW that his (ex) partner is tolerating until they get back together (even if that’s only in her head).

You are both doing the pick-me dance and he probably thinks his cock is golden 🤮

Leave him and find someone who wants to be with you and brings you joy, and can set healthy boundaries. Life’s too short

You’re flogging a dead horse here. He’s told you how it will be, and shown you! Time to bail.

He sounds pretty bad. He’s being so unfair to you, his ex and his daughter all for his own self importance. Leave him.

He has not extricated himself from his relationship and family life (as it was).

He shouldn't need to see his dd in her mother's home every night. He should have her half or more the time in his home. And video call any night she wants to chat/see his face.

He should not be going on holiday with her mother. He should do holidays with his daughter and his relatives; like normal separated men do.

He does not deserve a new partner, he's in no position fof one. And that's his choice.

He's just trying to have his cake and eat it. See his much he can get his gf to put it with and framing it as being a good father.

He's not being a good father. He's confusing his DD and delaying when she comes to term with her parents being separated.

He obviously can't handle the situation he's created by leaving his holds mother. That is his problem, not yours.

His immaturity and dysfunction is not your problem.

Go and find someone who's free. Properly extricated and free. Who's acting appropriately.

This man is not.

Noone would be ok with this.

He's had lighting you trying to say anyone would. If like to see him if the circumstance were reversed. You'd be dumped, dear.

(Or he'd put up with it only if he didn't care and just saw you got sex).

I don't even know of it's self importance ... He's weak, he's immature, he's selfish; he has ended his relationship with his child's mother but doesn't have the balls to see through all the implication of that.

Implications like not seeing his child every evening in their original home, not going on holiday with his child's mother etc.

I suppose he's self important in terms of expecting a new partner to put up with it, yes ; but he's just being a typical selfish piss taker, who'll do what suits him as long as his gf puts up with it.

While it's great that he wants to see so much of his child, they are presenting her with a false situation "mummy and daddy together", and the ex is keeping a firm grip on him.

This isn't just about the child from her point of view because if it was then she wouldn't be threatening to stop contact because of you.

Also, you can bet your life that as soon as the ex meets somebody, she won't want your DP round there every day or to go on holiday with him. It's about what she wants, not what the child wants.

But for the moment, the ex hasn't let him go and isn't going to any time soon.

He is bending to her every command in fear that he won't see his child.

You need to end the relationship because this won't change and he could well end up back with her again.

OP the more you share the more it sounds like the ex is the problem . However your DP seems to be lacking in backbone and you are suffering as a result . In reality I would guess that he isn’t really that in to you ( sorry) or he would be taking a different approach.

There are many nice blokes out there - throw this one back … nothing to stop you reconnecting in a year or two if he sorts things out

Of he didn't challenge her when she said he mustn't go with you.. then it's doomed. Get rid.

You’re in a no win situation here if you feel uncomfortable about it all (as I would).
You either accept it, or you leave the relationship. You can’t force a change- he’ll resent you for it and you’ll struggle to trust him sticking to any agreement you reach.

If I were you, it’d be over.

Put him in the bin OP (not literally - he probably wouldn’t fit) he obviously still has feelings for his ex and is dragging you along for the ride in the weird dynamic they’ve got going on. Plenty of nice blokes who have boundaries.

I'd already be long gone if that were me.

This is altogether too much angst for a mere year-long relationship. That's far too soon to be getting into the staying around and hoping he will change schtick. They don't.

It's not worth it, OP.

OP the more you share the more it sounds like the ex is the problem

Her ex dumped her and is seeing another woman for a year, but is still round her house every evening, has gone on two holidays with her and is going on another ..... But she's the problem?

Nah.

He's the problem.

How is he letting her/encouraging her to accept the relationship is over and move on?

He should get his act together and have his child half the week, in his home.

He should stop going on holiday with her/letting her join his holidays.

He has no boundaries
He is not acting fairly towards her.

(And what's worse is that he knows she would like to get back together).

He is presumably on the birth cert and has parental rights, she can't stop him seeing his DD. I doubt she would go so far as to refuse access, and if she did; she couldn't legally continue to do so.

Stop blaming the ex .... He's the coward.

He's the one that doesn't want to face the consequences, for all of them, of dumping his child's mother.

Throw this one back OP.

There's also a certain type of man who's happy to end a relationship (using the word "end" loosely) and see other women, but is not quite so happy or comfortable with their ex/child's mother moving on and getting a new partner.

Thinking Dan Osbourne.
And I know plenty of examples IRL too.

I wonder if he might be one of those.

They let their ex stay hung up, let them have a glimmer of hope, don't cut them off definitively ...so their ex doesn't move on and have a new man in their life (and his child's home).

The holidays together I can kind of understand. My DP spends time at his exes house as their DS is autistic and it’s helpful for him not to have his routine disrupted too much, so DP will see him there during the week and then have him to stay EOW. When he lived further afield he would stay the night there, which I know other GFs haven’t been happy about, but it doesn’t worry me.

I am still involved with my XH’s family and get invited to their family parties etc as I am still aunty to their children. They are planning a family villa holiday and have invited me, despite being divorced over 10 years and our DC all now adults, as it would be lovely for me to spend time with them and I can’t afford my own holiday. So the holiday part wouldn’t actually worry me.

The only part of your situation I don’t like is that his ex apparently wants to get back with him and isn’t happy when he talks about or spends time with you. So for that reason alone I would end the relationship. He isn’t showing you or her the respect you deserve by making it clear he isn’t getting back with her and that he loves you. He’s tiptoeing around her feelings and hurting you in the meantime. So all the rest of it is irrelevant really. Number 1 priority will always be his DD, but no.2 should be you not his ex.

Throw him back. Too much drama.

@shellyleppard is 100% right

Wow - is this man really worth all this drama?

He won't change - he has no reason to. Got two women running round after him.

Cut your losses - find someone new.

And DO NOT have a baby with this man. It'll just make things worse.

This

If you separate him trying to be a good dad, then his insistence on being a make believe family while still split up and expecting a new dating interest to slot in where it suits him and his ex, and be happy with these scraps, is not at all reasonable, and his gaslighting of OP makes it worse.

I feel for you OP because you are considering him as your partner. He seems to be treating you as a casual girlfriend who fits around his existing life.

He doesn't have space for you.

It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who still acts like they're in a couple with someone else.

It also sounds like his family is encouraging it and they wouldn't accept you.

They're clearly going to reconcile and they might be still having sex.

You might want to throw this one back.