Partner continues to holiday with Ex

[Beenzzandcheeze]

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

It isn't going to get better.

Also a 2 year old child is not saying these things without coaching from their mother.

Yes you have children but his daughter is still tiny and he is being and even worse allowing himself to be manipulated by his ex.

You deserve better from a relationship. He isn't really ready to commit to another relationship so I would move on now.

I wouldn't be happy with all this either. Sounds like the mum is trying to hang onto her family life but it isn't fair on DD. If this continues she will expect holidays with both parents always. This is a typical situation of burying their head in the sand. They need to face this issue head on.

Also the mum needs to grow up. You are entitled to a holiday with your partner and his daughter without her being there. She sounds very controlling. Is she like this generally?

I would seriously reconsider your relationship with him. Sadly I don't think this will change.

I completely understand, and respect him for wanting to be as involved as possible. His DD turns 3 this month, and I understand she’s his world. Most parents feel that way about their kids. I understand everybody is different, and co parents differently, but when I split with the father of my two they were toddlers, and he didn’t need to see me every single time he say our children. It’s almost as though he can’t see his DD without her being there, or involved.

He split up with her, because he said he no longer loved her, and they were constantly arguing.

He is still in a relationship with her. Walk away.

The pre-booked holiday, I understand that completely. The rest is utter bollocks. His ex can't accept the end of the relationship and is using their daughter as an excuse to still see him on a regular basis. He's admitted she wants him back! A 2 year old doesn't have the vocabulary to tell her Mother she wants Daddy to go on holiday with them or wants to go down slides with him! A 2 year old doesn't understand what a 'holiday' is! A 2 year old asks for Daddy, you give a simple explanation and within 10 minutes she's forgotten about it!! This is the ex, twisting and manipulating him for her own ends. He either can't see it, or doesn't want to see it. I suspect he doesn't want to 'rock the boat' in case his ex does start making it difficult for him to see his daughter. I'm afraid he needs to grow a back bone and seek some legal advice. Using emotional blackmail to try and get what she wants is low and awful. Unfortunately, plenty of women use children as weapons. I'm sorry to say, but unless he starts standing up for himself and his relationship with you, then you will never come before his ex. What she wants/needs will always come first, because she holds the winning card...his daughter. You need to end the relationship, yes it's hard but the longer this continues the harder it will be. You deserve better, than being last on his priority list.

He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter.

Sorry but he's gaslighting you. He may, in fairness, also be mentally gaslighting himself but no one would expect to put up with that.

He is in a relationship with his ex. Now it doesn't matter if they don't call it a relationship and it doesn't matter if they are both (because I think the ex is very much happy to use her daughter as a daddy magnet to come running) using their daughter as a proxy. They are spending real family time TOGETHER. There is still a 'something' there. Men are generally able to compartmentalise better than women and can even deceive themselves, but it's the reflexive defensiveness dismissing your concerns out of hand that is the giveaway.

You deserve a mans full heart. Not a piece of it. Leave them to work out what they may or may not have. Don't allow yourself to be used as a nice soft cushion to fall back on until it does.

Sorry this is happening so early into an otherwise promising relationship. But you will be hurt more in the future if you choose to overlook it now.

Think unfortunately I would agree with this. They are making a mug of you OP.

The first time that was already booked - fine. All the time since YANBU.

His daughter is 2 and you have been together a year, how long had they been separated when you met? Just cut this one loose he still has one foot in the door with his ex.

Time to move on as hard as you might find this.
You will have a lifetime of this otherwise.

Christmas, birthdays, weddings, family gatherings,holidays. It sounds like he will keep you always seperate from all these using his daughter's wants as an excuse of why you can't be there or participate.

He might throw a few breadcrumbs your way to keep you sweet but in his mind you are a seperate part of his life and low in the priority list.

The only thing that will change the dynamic is the ex finding a new man but with a young child that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Face it in this relationship you are the bit on the side.

He is still absolutely entangled with his ex, because they have a very young daughter together

Getting involved with a man with a very young child is always a bad idea.

From what you said about her demands I would also bet that she is out to get him back.

And she has the perfect bargaining chip, plus what appears to be a very welcoming and attractive setup.

All very cosy and I would bet my lunch they will get back together again.

Whether you call it now or let it trudge on like this until the inevitable happens is entirely up to you.

Personally I'd be out.

Hes point blank told me that he will won’t bot do something with his DD or deny her any holidays or days out etc with her father. So basically, any future holidays, or events or days out, will involve his ex.

I just don’t think I can go through with this. It was bad enough the first time he went away and he was repeatedly sending me photos when I’d asked him politely not to, because I’d rather have been oblivious to it.

Your responses are correct. His ex is using his daughter as a bargaining chip, and he will continue to bow down to her, for the sake of not losing contact with his DD.

He makes me feel as though I shouldn’t be feeling the way I am, but I know that most people wouldn’t be prepared to accept this, and would find it a little uncomfortable.

Oh heck. When you started talking about the holiday I was thinking Oh well it's just once and he'll be sharing with his sister, so... But spending hours every night with his ex and daughter is disrespectful to you. In effect he has two families, but they know about each other so he doesn't have the hassle of keeping them secret. Could be time for a serious talk in which you say that either he arranges proper access to his daughter which means minimal contact with his ex and you and your partner seeing his daughter together, or you'll have to go your separate ways.

It isn’t working now. It’s completely ridiculous- at BEST, he’s unable to draw boundaries with his ex and assert his right to see his daughter on his own terms. At worst, he’s a user - no intention of moving on, but he wants a girlfriend for sex and amusement too.

I wouldn’t even enter a dialogue any more - I’d message him and say, sorry this doesn’t work for me any more. Best of luck and goodbye.

He is hardly a prince among men if he left the mother of his child with a not even 2 year old rather than work through their problems. I have little time for men who give up on relationships so easily.
I bet his 'i didn't love her anymore' was actually, 'i wasn't getting enough sex anymore', because she was looking after a baby/toddler. Especially as he seems to have jumped into a relationship with you almost instantly considering you have been together over a year and the first holiday was in May this year, so at least 9 months or so after they supposedly split.

Oh I’ve also forgot to mention, she’s said that she doesn’t want her DD anywhere near me. I’ve seen her a few times, at the park, if we’ve met up and he’s had his DD and I’ve had my DC, but each time she’s been furious and used contact against him. We live separately, but on the rare occasion he’s been out with me and my DC, and she calls him, he’s honest with her, but he gets digs/abuse down the phone, and gets accused of playing ‘step daddy’ instead of spending time with his own daughter.

He's got another 15 years or so more of dealing with his ex ahead of him.

Do you really want this to be your life (and your own kids')?

Too much drama for me.

You aren't compatible - he needs to find someone who wants a very casual dating type relationship. He seems to want it all ways - holidays with the ex and the rest of the time a relationship with you and he isn't seeing it from your POV at all (which doesn't bode well for other aspects in a relationship!).

I predict he will dangle holidays and change etc in front of you (all at some future unspecified date) but never actually be able to do those things. I'd find someone who can do the things with you that work for you, not just bend yourself to fit the time/experiences that this man happens to have available. He's also being at best, unkind and at worst, manipulative by sending you lots of photos when you had asked him not to.

I had this situation with my ex, starting with him going on holiday with his ex-wife and three children because it had been booked before we got together. All were teenagers. Eleven years later, with all children by then in their 20s/30s, I finally snapped when he was absent when I really needed him at a difficult time. He was off on yet another get-together with her and the children and refused to say when he was coming home afterwards. In all those years I never spent a single Christmas Day with him as he was round hers with the children. Who in later years were adults with their own partners. Never mind numerous other days out, birthdays, etc, where the ex had to always be included.

The constant narrative from him was that he had to protect the children from feeling upset if their mum was being 'left out'. In reality, I believe he just couldn't let go of his relationship with her. OP, your DP's child is only three now, be aware this situation may not stop even when she's an adult. It's not worth the wasted years and low self-esteem when the penny finally drops.

Also, I wouldn't necessarily believe him about the ex's behaviour unless you're seeing/hearing it direct. A friend's ex spins her behaviour to his new wife. She even said she was on the phone with him, while he was in the car with his wife, re: DC arrangements and he started replying to things she wasn't actually saying to make it look like she was being unreasonable on the other end of the phone.

All he is saying is totally unreasonable. You should, and probably are, a lot more than a bit uncomfortable, anyone would be. Don't put up with it any longer, you've already done it for over a year, the longer this goes on for it only makes it harder for you to split as you get more attached.
What is his living situation?
Have you been to his place? Is it big enough to house his DD? Neither of them are getting that once you've split, it should be separate visiting only, no more happy families. Until that is sorted, noone should hope to have a relationship with someone else.

@Beenzzandcheeze you aint going to win this one op! he will always put his ex's wishes before yours!

It's certainly an unusual co-parenting relationship.

You make it sound as though he is being manipulated by the ex out of fear of losing contact. If this was genuinely a concern of his, he'd have gone to court to get an arrangement order securing his contact. He hasn't done that because he doesn't want to. He's happy with the arrangement.

If I were you I'd either be saying that I'm also going on these holidays, or it's over. His child will always be the priority, but his ex shouldn't be.

Yes I’ve been to his place. His ex calls him at 10/11pm, sometimes she’s telling him his daughter is asking for him, or that she’s asleep, other times, she’s asking what he’s doing, what he’s had for tea etc. If he says he’s with me she will make comments such as ‘enjoy your sleepover together then’ and hang up. Most of the time I can hear what she’s saying or she’s on speakerphone. Then she will badger him with texts throughout the night, saying he’s swanning off a doing his own thing etc which then makes him feel guilty, or she’ll imply he's an inadequate parent.

You don’t need this in your life.

There are other men with less complicated set ups.

Leave him, and concentrate on your children. The headspace you’re giving to this is a distraction from your own life, and your children.

He isn’t making you a priority - so why make him one?

He makes me feel as though I shouldn’t be feeling the way I am, but I know that most people wouldn’t be prepared to accept this, and would find it a little uncomfortable.

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Agree with you OP so once you have decided to knock this on the head I would keep the announcement (and make it this, there is nothing to discuss) short and sweet and leave it all behind.

I get him wanting DD on holidays but there is zero need for x to be there. They are taking the piss

Good luck OP