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Original poster

Partner continues to holiday with Ex

225 replies

Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 08:21

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 20/09/2024 11:42

Meant to add - don't let him try and gaslight you into accepting this messed up situation

TwistedWonder · 20/09/2024 11:42

You don’t need the drama OP. Hes not ready to cut the apron strings with his ex and I imagine guilt over leaving when his daughter is so young is her hold over him.

Throw this one back it’s not worth the stress

ImNotYourMonstera · 20/09/2024 11:43

Just dump him without a moments thought. Don't engage with his boring drivel.

lunar1 · 20/09/2024 11:46

This is your life, don't spend it being made to feel this uncomfortable. You aren't his accessory to fit in where he wants you.

There is a relationship out there for you, where what you feel and want matters. This is never going to stop, and you aren't worth so much more.

Codlingmoths · 20/09/2024 11:51

Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 08:50

Yesterday, I tried to explain how I felt in all of this, and he said he isn’t doing anything wrong, his mum is going with them, and if he wanted to get back with his ex he would have (she still wants them to be together) by now, or if he wanted to sleep with her, he doesn’t need to go on holiday to do that. He said that he will do what he wants to do with his daughter, as she’s his priority.

I told him I completely understand that, I have two DC’s myself… but me and their dad aren’t round each others houses every night, or going on holiday together. As far as I’m aware, his ex doesn’t have many family members, she has a sister, but both of her parents have passed away.

Whilst I wasn’t happy about the initial holiday, I tried my best to understand the situation… but now I feel as though I’m being taken for a mug. He’s basically admitted that he won’t say no if she asked again in future… again, reiterating the fact that he wants his DD to spend time with both parents together.
He said that we can book a holiday together soon, and I told him that even if we did, she would make his life hell leading up to it, and during, using his DD against him, because he would be with me.

I’m struggling to see how this is going to work moving forward.

Tell him the only way he gets regular holidays with his dd and his partner is if he gets back with his ex and the only way his dd is going to see them regularly together is they are a couple, plus no woman will actually stay in the small corner of a relationship that he’s willing to share, so he should get back with her and you are setting him free to do that.

ginasevern · 20/09/2024 11:58

OP, is this man really worth the amount of head space your giving him? He won't change no matter how much you try to reason with him. You either accept this situation as the norm or you move on.

ImNotYourMonstera · 20/09/2024 12:10

No boyfriend on earth is worth this much thought. I would bet he's not typing out paragraphs online asking people how he can be a better boyfriend.
You could be enjoying yourself instead of this, OP.

caringcarer · 20/09/2024 12:13

I could accept he wanted to see his DD every day and went on the pre booked holiday. I would not be happy with his ex saying if he went on holiday with you he could kiss goodbye to his DD, that's blackmail. Your partner needs to go to court to get formalised access to his DD. No reason why you and your partner could not take DD on holiday with you together. If he refuses to go for formal access I'd bin him off as he'll live his life being blackmailed by his ex.

thiscantbemylife · 20/09/2024 12:17

Just let him go. Sounds like they should probably work on things and be a family. Doesn’t sound like you’ve known him long. Why fight it? What’s he doing for you?

They obviously want to be a family actions speak louder than words. I bet that is why she looks ‘controlling and crazy’ because when you aren’t around and they are together it probably crosses many healthy co parenting boundaries which is giving his ex hope. I won’t even say false hope as they way he is prioritising her over you speaks volumes and like another poster mentioned it’s only a matter of time they get back together.

Going on holiday with his mum too they are very much a family. I couldn’t think of anything worse co parenting it would be so awkward so for it not to be awkward means it probably feels natural all round for them and his family. There is no room for you OP

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 20/09/2024 12:21

“Then she will badger him with texts throughout the night, saying he’s swanning off a doing his own thing”

Yes… because he’s single and that’s what breaking up means. Everyone is free to swan off. She hasn’t got the memo that they’ve broken up, and how would she when he still acts like her boyfriend who just (sometimes) lives separately?

I’m all for coparenting, but this is not it. It’s co-dependent parenting and it’s weird AF. Save yourself the heartache and get out whilst you still can. This won’t end well for you.

He’s half in and half out of his relationship with his “ex” and you are just a comfy pair of slippers that fills the gaps of what he’s not getting in his primary relationship (with HER).

TwistedWonder · 20/09/2024 12:24

OP you’re the third wheel here and the OW. Even though they’re not having sex, his primary relationship is still with her.

You'll never have this man’s full attention he’s not moved on yet

itshappened · 20/09/2024 12:37

I may have missed this but when and why did they break up? Part of me feels like you were prematurely paranoid about them, but they do seem to still be very codependent and I think he is having his cake and eating it with such a close relationship with the mother of his child and you as his bit on the side.

LAMPS1 · 20/09/2024 12:40

There is no solution OP.

She has him captive in her daughter’s heart. She weaponises their child. Withdraws contact to punish him. Sends him all night texts to make sure he can’t forget for a second that she exists when he is with you.
She’s a strong assertive type of person (albeit quite wicked to use her DD like that and to insist on holidays with him)
He’s far less strong and allows her to dictate to him and furthermore, he supports her in doing it against you. He allows her to do that because he wants to. He has told you he always will want to.

You don’t stand much of a chance at a relationship at all. It’s only half hearted from his side to start with. She comes first for him and always will. The relationship you have with him is not going to develop on any further. You can’t change that. He isn’t free. He’s only half free and she dictates which bits she keeps for herself and her dd.

Up to you whether or not you want the dramas and upset of sharing him with her. And the feeling of being used by him.

WeirdyWorldy · 20/09/2024 12:42

Dump him and don't look back!

Not one person on this thread has said this is acceptable.

You deserve so much more than this.

Lemonadeand · 20/09/2024 12:44

You’re his girlfriend; he should be going on holiday with you! And his daughter of course. He’s not respecting you with this set up at all. He’s far too enmeshed with his ex and clearly still under the thumb. I think you need to call it and walk away.

JustSaltPlease · 20/09/2024 12:55

Why isn't he arranging formal, regular contact through the court?

JustSaltPlease · 20/09/2024 12:56

she can't threaten him then

DoloresHargreeves · 20/09/2024 13:00

He's doing the right thing. His priority is his daughter, as it should be.

This does however make him incompatible as a partner. After only a year, I'd leave.

Nanny0gg · 20/09/2024 13:06

Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 09:43

I completely understand, and respect him for wanting to be as involved as possible. His DD turns 3 this month, and I understand she’s his world. Most parents feel that way about their kids. I understand everybody is different, and co parents differently, but when I split with the father of my two they were toddlers, and he didn’t need to see me every single time he say our children. It’s almost as though he can’t see his DD without her being there, or involved.

He split up with her, because he said he no longer loved her, and they were constantly arguing.

Edited

So why don't they just share custody in their own time and homes like most separated parents?

Original poster
Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 13:09

Nanny0gg · 20/09/2024 13:06

So why don't they just share custody in their own time and homes like most separated parents?

Show quote history

No idea. They both have their own homes. Yet he goes round to her house to see his DD every night from around 6.30, baths her and puts her to bed. Usually he’s down around 8.30/9 then asks to see me.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/09/2024 13:09

Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 13:09

No idea. They both have their own homes. Yet he goes round to her house to see his DD every night from around 6.30, baths her and puts her to bed. Usually he’s down around 8.30/9 then asks to see me.

Show quote history

They're too enmeshed.

Walk away

TwistedWonder · 20/09/2024 13:12

Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 13:09

No idea. They both have their own homes. Yet he goes round to her house to see his DD every night from around 6.30, baths her and puts her to bed. Usually he’s down around 8.30/9 then asks to see me.

Show quote history

So he plays happy families and fits you in as a night time booty call? No chance should you be putting up with the scraps he’s throwing you.

LoudSnoringDog · 20/09/2024 13:14

He's taking the piss

Original poster
Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 13:17

TwistedWonder · 20/09/2024 13:12

So he plays happy families and fits you in as a night time booty call? No chance should you be putting up with the scraps he’s throwing you.

Edited
Show quote history

I’ve had this out with him, and he just says that he doesn’t want to miss out on the day to day life of his daughter, and the little moments like putting her to bed etc. He just reiterates that he isn’t missing out on any of her life just because her parents have separated.

OP posts:
amylou8 · 20/09/2024 13:23

Get rid!
It's great he wants to spend time with his daughter, and of course she should be his priority, but when you are in a relationship there are boundaries. Spending every available opportunity with your ex, going on holiday with her and letting her manipulate your life (weather you're sleeping with her or not, and I'd put money on it that he is) crosses them.
He won't acknowledge your feelings, he won't change, respect yourself and leave him.