Partner continues to holiday with Ex

[Beenzzandcheeze]

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

This logic is so warped. I realise my username here will possibly bite me in terms of this comment, but the reality is separated parents miss things. Fact. I really cannot understand how some people try to behave that they can separate and not miss some stuff. It's shit, but that's what happens. Otherwise, just stay together, be miserable and don't invite new people into your messed up world.

Editing to add: he can make whatever choices he wants regarding hid child but if there's no space for a new partner he shouldn't have one.

So he is allowed to go on holiday with his ex, yet she is saying if he goes on holiday with you, his actual girlfriend, he can no longer see his child? And he is happy with this?

I am going to presume the ex doesn't like you either, as you are to her, the other woman - otherwise I would have suggested you all go away together.

She is and will always use that little girls as a weapon/blackmailing tool and so long as he lets her you are never going to get anywhere in this relationship I am afraid.

I'd bail on this set up too. He says he is separated - but going on multiple holidays and visiting his ex every night tells me something isn't right. Have you suggested ALL going on holiday together? If you havent do it, and watch his reaction. He's got 2 families on the go, very confusing for all concerned I'd say. Does his daughter know about you?

And I understand that but in that scenario he wants to have his cake and eat it. He could see his daughter every other night or have a 50/50 arrangement but he’s choosing not to.

His priority is his family life and he’s not in a position to be in another relationship. Hes just throwing you crumbs and expecting you to just accept you’re down his list of priorities.

Hes only physically separated not emotionally.

So if he has his own house why can't he have her 2-3 nights in the week and he can put her to bed there?

As a PP has said, that's the reality of separation. You can't split up with someone and then continue to live a cosy homelife with them but with a new girlfriend on the side too!!!

The reality is, his ex is controlling him because she wants to get back with him and is using the child to do this. He either is too spineless to say no, or he wants to get back with her too.

Whichever, you are never going to be able to compete with his ex as she's holding all the cards.

Unfortunately I think he wants the best of both worlds and if it was me I couldn't carry on with this relationship. You have your two children to think of and I don't think he gives them a second thought. It's everything what he wants to do all the time and your partner's ex seems to be calling all the shots. I think you know what you have to do but it's easier said than done. Be strong 💪 xx

Get rid.

Way, way over the line.

I had a partner who from before I met him and after we separated always did one 'family holiday' a year with his ex and their child. There was definitely no sex going on, but they co-parented well 50/50) and the one hol a year worked well for their child.

BUT I knew his ex,. She certainly made no difficulties about me going away with him, or threatened him or anything like that.

That's your problem: she is blackmailing him and he is succumbing.

I understand why he wants frequent contact with his child.

It sounds as if he isn't ready to have another relationship.

You've only been together for a year and here you are with at least 15 more years of this setup ahead of you. Is that what you're happy with?
That's without the crazy ex who uses their child as a weapon that your partner is too scared to challenge. I mean, I rate his commitment to his daughter but that shouldn't be spending two hours every night at his ex's house, going on holiday with her, or her tagging along on his holiday! What would happen if you said you'd like to go on his holiday with him too?!!!
Also, if you stayed with him and had a child together, would it be ok to leave you to do the bath and bedtime routine, while he swans off to see the ex? Holidays with them too?
Come on OP. It's been a year, you don't live together and he can't see why you're pissed at the situation. I'd dump his sorry arse pronto.

Does he ever spend time with his DD without the EX being around?

Well, he's being honest and saying this is how it is so take it or leave it. If I were you I'd leave it!

@Beenzzandcheezeany thoughts on the unanimous replies to your thread?

Sounds like he's in some strange relationship with both of you, or at least some weird power play. This guy needs to either be on his own and focus on daughter the way he wants to or make a go of things with his ex as a family.

Call it quits, your life with him will never be your own. X

Why are you wasting your time?

Honestly, you are wasting your time with this OP. You're being treated as if you're the OW and his ex has him exactly where she wants him. If he was remotely invested in your relationship, he'd have a court order and 50/50. He doesn't. He just loves having two women competing for his attention. Throw him back. He's not worth all of this. Can you imagine what life would be like going forward? You deserve better.

Very rarely. He’s had her overnight a handful of times, and she hen he’s offered to have her for more than one night, she won’t let him.

I agree with this.

There is no 'let'. He goes to court to get a contact order.
None of this sounds fun or life enhancing, I don't get why you're still dating this bloke.

In true mumsnet style.....give your head a wobble. He is having his cake and eating it...This is not a relationship, it's a joke !
Get rid...you deserve better.

@Beenzzandcheeze It's not a case of her letting him. He needs a contact order for 50/50 so that he can have all his little moments in his own home. The truth is, he loves this. It suits him. He's probably shagging her too. Honestly please get out of this shit show!

Hi John, This relationship isn't working for me. All the best for the future. @Beenzzandcheeze Then block him.

Don't argue, don't explain, don't justify your decision. Just get rid of him and move on.

Your only option is to leave him. He is never going to find anyone happy with this set up. 100% they will end up back together!

He’s good OP, he’s good.

His relationship with ex was all arguing and he didn’t want to do it so he left. He then found you but realised he still wanted to have all the family things with his ex, but not the sex. That’s where you come in, sorry. You complain and you’re told he’s only doing it for his daughter and how awful you are being for not wanting him to spend time with his child.

He gets the family life without the hassle of having to adult PLUS he’s got a girlfriend to have fun with and I bet he gets to spend time on his own. He’s got everything sewn up with a pretty bow!

They’re still in a relationship even though he won’t admit it. They might not be having sex, but think about what they do together. They’re basically a family with beds in different houses.

OP, are you happy with him going on holiday with his ex? Do you think it’s normal/acceptable? What does he bring to your life and how does he make you feel? Do you feel loved, respected, cared for? If not, ditch his sorry ass.

He’s not worth it.

My previous post was a bit blunt, so apologies for that Op.You're on a hiding to nothing here, usually a couple split and much as he might want to his Ex doesn't let him come round as he likes, they have to agree childcare between them. He left, his Ex didn't want that, so everything she does is designed to make him see his DC with her, few overnights, holidays together. He's no better, if you leave the family home then yes you miss out on things, if she had a new partner there's no way on earth she'd let him go there every evening. He could get a court order but he won't, he won't because he likes the present arrangement and by saying it's all for his DC he thinks you can't question it.
Unless his Ex has a change of heart and finds someone else this will be your life for the next decade at least. Do you really think you don't deserve better than to be someone he sees for an hour here and there? He's hiding behind being a good DF to his DC, don't let him make you second best Op

Why did you get into a relationship with skenone who has a toddler??? Asking for drama