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Original poster

Partner continues to holiday with Ex

225 replies

Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 08:21

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
fourdoorsdown · 24/09/2024 07:25

Beenzzandcheeze · 20/09/2024 17:33

Very rarely. He’s had her overnight a handful of times, and she hen he’s offered to have her for more than one night, she won’t let him.

Show quote history

He needs to see a family solicitor immediately and get 50/50 custody. His daughter is young enough she won’t remember the split if he stops spending time as a family now. It’s unnecessary. He’s co dependent on his ex. Tell him to book an Appointment with solicitor if he wants relationship with you to continue. That you’ll support the process. If his ex denies him 50/50 in meantime then this looks bad on her in court.
if he won’t make this appointment right away and follow through with the case then Tell him you’re removing yourself from the situation as self preservation. Tell him to not contact you again until he’s got 50/50 and stopped seeing his ex and there will be no more joint holidays. Do not see him until this is done. Meantime continue to live a single life and maybe you’ll meet someone else.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 24/09/2024 07:26

I agree with a PP, he is being a good father, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him either and it's perfectly fine to break up with someone who is considerate of others, but not considerate of you. You will be painted out to be the evil step mother by his ex and she will no doubt make your life hell. You don't need that. You have your own kids to consider and they will never be this little girls step siblings.

Victoriancat · 24/09/2024 07:27

If he's not willing to thrash it out in court to have access properly that isn't weird and she's not holding over his head, is this whole thing really worth it? It's ridiculous.

localnotail · 24/09/2024 07:28

He still sees her as his family, and there is nothing you can do about it. He can go on holidays with his daughter, there is no need for his ex to go as well.

Edited - he is feeling guilty for leaving his ex and daughter and, in his head, doing everything to compensate. I dont think its healthy. He sounds very confused and cant see the boundary - once he left his ex, she should no longer feature so heavily in his life. I also think the ex is using the child to get to your BF.

Globules · 24/09/2024 07:28

I'm not a LTB poster, but can you really not see what's happening here?

You can be both a great dad and a great partner.

He's being neither. His poor little girl is growing up thinking mummy and daddy are still in love. That will screw up her head in later life. And PP have made it clear why he isn't a good partner.

Time to sign this one off and go looking for better.

ButterCrackers · 24/09/2024 07:29

Time to move on as there’s no point with being second to your partner. He should put you before his ex. You’ll find someone better and be able to have the relationship you deserve. No point continuing with such stress.

supercali77 · 24/09/2024 07:38

Too enmeshed so not capable of having a relationship is what it sounds like. But it also seems like probably with good reason?. The dc is 2, you've been together a year, and they already had a holiday booked. Are you the other woman? If not, based on the timings, your relationship started fresh out of a break up with a baby involved. It takes time for couples with kids to genuinely move past all the habits they had together after they split up. Especially with really little kids. Noone should be trying to bring a new partner into this situation. It's not fair on anyone.

I don't agree with the comments saying he's 'just being a good dad'. Unless he has plans to have a CAO in place at some point hes just going for the easy option. The sooner he does it the better.

Raspberryripple11 · 24/09/2024 07:38

His daughter is more important to him than you are, which is how it should be.
When I was a kid, my separated parents would both come on holiday. Nothing happened between them, but it was nice for me and my sister to have both parents there, and was also easier as they could then share the parenting.
You can’t expect him to change this, (and I don’t think he should), so you either have to accept it or leave him.

Butterfly44 · 24/09/2024 07:41

But he will miss out on his daughters moments - that's the point. He's split from ex and that's the consequence. What he is doing now is not co-parenting.
It all sounds raw, ex obviously still trying to keep him in some fashion and using child in the process, and he's letting it happen.
As others have said - no room for you. Raise your car and find someone more compatible and more importantly, respectful of your feelings.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/09/2024 07:56

Dump him. He’s not for you. He’s not for anyone. He needs to formalise his contact. His poor DD must be quite confused with it all

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 24/09/2024 08:08

This is not going to work op, the ex still wants him and is using the daughter as an excuse to spend lots of time with him and she is using the child as a weapon if he does not do as he's told. If he's telling the truth he's going to realise he's caught in a web and he will realise when it's too late.

veggie50 · 24/09/2024 08:10

Lolapusht · 20/09/2024 19:26

He’s good OP, he’s good.

His relationship with ex was all arguing and he didn’t want to do it so he left. He then found you but realised he still wanted to have all the family things with his ex, but not the sex. That’s where you come in, sorry. You complain and you’re told he’s only doing it for his daughter and how awful you are being for not wanting him to spend time with his child.

He gets the family life without the hassle of having to adult PLUS he’s got a girlfriend to have fun with and I bet he gets to spend time on his own. He’s got everything sewn up with a pretty bow!

They’re still in a relationship even though he won’t admit it. They might not be having sex, but think about what they do together. They’re basically a family with beds in different houses.

OP, are you happy with him going on holiday with his ex? Do you think it’s normal/acceptable? What does he bring to your life and how does he make you feel? Do you feel loved, respected, cared for? If not, ditch his sorry ass.

He’s not worth it.

Spot on.
You are effectively his booty call while he's working out if he wants to get back together with his ex... unless you are getting a kick out of being that, get out now before he breaks your heart.

Zzey · 24/09/2024 08:11

I'm not being funny but she sounds like an absolute psycho so I would be leaving him to it.

honeypancake · 24/09/2024 08:15

Time to say goodbye to him. This constant anxiety about his holidays with his ex is going to ruin you. No bloke is worth it, and you have only been with him for one year. You did your best telling him this is not acceptable to you and he just doesn't care.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 24/09/2024 08:16

I knew reading this that his ex still wants to be with him before you even said it! Her comment about you and his kissing his DD goodbye spoke volumes… if he isn’t standing up to that it’s because he loves feeling wanted in all of this, it’s a real ego boost to him. That should be all the red flags you need to move on!

buttonsB4 · 24/09/2024 08:19

It doesn't really matter what the situation is with his ex, or his DC, the issue is that you keep telling him your boundaries and he keeps trampling all over them and doesn't give a shit.

He doesn't respect you, your time-together, your boundaries or your opinion, so this is not the man for you.

Please believe that you deserve more, because I genuinely don't know any woman who would put up with the treatment he's giving you.

Stickytoffeepudding6 · 24/09/2024 08:23

For godsake do you really need to ask? Wake up.

Run. You deserve better than a gaslighter who ignores your feelings.

goody2shooz · 24/09/2024 08:27

Mh67 · 24/09/2024 07:08

Fantastic dad
He wants to spend every available moment with his kid. You should be proud of him

So why does he not go through the courts to make it an official 50/50? He can have all his special moments at his own house with his dd in her own special room at daddy’s? This set up is just nonsense, and op really should walk away.

HazelPlayer · 24/09/2024 08:30

he will do what he wants to do with his daughter

He can do that without her mother having to go along.

Like normal separated parents!!!

The first pre booked holiday, maybe.

The next one and the next ...... Nope.

I wouldn't be having sex with this man. He doesn't deserve intimacy with you. I wouldn't continue seeing him.
It's a year, you've found this out. It's a deal breaker. It's only a year. Unfortunately sometimes it takes this time for something to be obvious.

HazelPlayer · 24/09/2024 08:32

goody2shooz · 24/09/2024 08:27

So why does he not go through the courts to make it an official 50/50? He can have all his special moments at his own house with his dd in her own special room at daddy’s? This set up is just nonsense, and op really should walk away.

Show quote history

Yep, why can't he have his daughter over to his home??

If he's a good Dad he should prioritise having a home that he can accommodate his DD in half the time.
He shouldn't have to go to his ex's home every evening.tk see her.

MsNeis · 24/09/2024 08:32

I'm starting to sense a pattern: when a man tells you, in his defence, that you're being unreasonable it's when you should trust your reason even more.
Nothing you explain here, OP, makes you unreasonable. I'm sorry you're going trough this. Trust yourself and if a situation (or a person) makes you feel repeatedly uneasy, remove yourself from it. Best wishes 💐

Pherian · 24/09/2024 08:36

Like the others have said ; this situation is not worth the hassle. You’re basically being treated like the other woman. He’s still very much involved with his ex-wife and she’s the one calling the shots in your relationship.

Cupooee · 24/09/2024 08:36

Why would you accept being his booty call after he has spent time with his family?

Your self-esteem must be truly on the floor if this is what you will accept for a "relationship".

EI12 · 24/09/2024 08:41

Get rid of the selfish cunt. Selfishness beyond belief - he does not factor your feelings in at all. He ain't no partner.

ZenNudist · 24/09/2024 08:46

So he's dumped his ex and now gets to sleep with other people (you, currently) but otherwise is running a normal family life? Time together every evening, holidays with extended family? The 'ex' is always with him or his child so she hasn't got time to start a new relationship. Seems he's got a nice set up.

It's fine to spend time with his dd but it seems he doesn't want to do any solo parenting. Honestly? Get rid? Even if he did stop seeing the 'ex' so much he'd expect you to take over mothering his dd.