Partner continues to holiday with Ex

[Beenzzandcheeze]

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

Just bin him OP.
Other posters have already said everything I thought about him.
He's still in a relationship of sorts with his ex and he isn't free to be in a relationship with you.
Get rid and find someone who is free and ready to be with you.

Get rid, pronto. You don't need this, you don't need his ex using the DD as a lever to get her own way all the time, dictating what he can and can't do with you. Your partner should realise how unreasonable the whole thing is, would he like you going round to your ex's every night for 2 hours and going on holiday with him all the time? I bet not. You need to find a man who is invested in you, not his ex partner and former life.

I understand wanting to limit the upset to the daughter, but how is being in each other's pockets 24/7 including holidays any different from the old "staying together for the sake of the children"? Oh wait, the bloke gets to have OP as his bit on the side without having to be sneaky about it.

When you get involved with a man with very young children you have to accept their mother will be in your life as long as he is.

I admire a man who wants to spend as much time as possible with his child and have a strong relationship with her - too many swan off and wash their hands of their own children.

I don't admire a man who deliberately chooses to do the very thing his partner has asked him not to do.

He should apply for 50/50. She's as much his child as hers. Her loathing and jealousy of you will probably seep into the poor kid. Letting her get to know you would be wise - but her mother's hell bent on blocking that, and he's complicit in that.

You are the last person he's considering in this situation. Child first, yes, but you should take precedence over her mother. And this isn't happening, and is unlikely to, either.

Right now he's got the lot. Still playing family man with them, bath time, bedtime, holiday time. Then a quick transfer to you once he's finished over there. For the booty call? Making yourself ready, fitting in with their cosy schedule?

He's failing to stand up both for himself and for you.

This is not going to go well.

I'd get out.

She is controlling and using her daughter as a weapon and unfortunately he is bending to everything she says. Him not going on holiday with you because she dictated that he would lose his kid. Sod that. You deserve better than this. I don't care what BS he will spin, you are not being unreasonable to want to holiday with him and also to not have him round her house every night. If he wants to see her, pick her up and take her home and then drop her back at her mum's, there is no need for them to be this involved if they are truly finished. He sounds like he is loving the attention that all this brings and the fact he has you on the side too. I get that he wants to be a good dad but this is him being in a relationship without living with her and having a relationship with you. He literally has two women on the go. Whether it's physical or not, he is involved with her.

He needs to have boundaries and have court ordered parenting time. Its not necessary to go on holidays with his ex, as they're not together with her and should be making his own memories with her on his own. This is just toxic. Excluding you from holidays to go off with another woman is just over the line, regardless of whether his daughter is there or not. It would be one thing if you, his current partner were included in the holiday, but the ex has set the parameters that he go on no holiday with you and he has allowed that to happen. I would walk away. He's made no room for you in his life because his ex is still sitting in your seat.

He's torn.
No reflection on you as a person but you will never come first.
It's the point in his life he's at - it doesn't have room for a partner.

In a nut shell. Leave and I don't say this lightly but leave the ex has him wrapped round her finger she will never let go and she will allways cause problems count your blessings you don't have a child with him and as hard as it is leave he won't stop pleasing her and she won't stop making his life he'll because she still wants him and to her your the other women. I no your not but sue feels u are and unfortunately she has the upper hand because she has his child

There’s no room for you in this set-up

if he really wanted to spend time with his daughter he’d do just that - without her- and go via the courts if he needed to.

it suits him (and the ex) just fine to carry on playing happy families. No way is this sustainable.

LTB
Don't be his bit on the side when you matter to yourself and potentially someone new.

Get rid!

He wants this all his own way and you are letting him have it. Send him on his way and hope he has a nice life with his ex.

Do yourself a favour and end things. He's totally disrespecting you and expecting you to put up with this! How dare he. You deserve more. Good luck.

As his current partner you should take priority over his ex but that seems new to him because he doesn't see her as an ex but as family.
Hence the family holidays and spending evenings and weekends with his family and finding time to see you around that.
You'll never be happy and you'll always come last, put yourself first and leave them to it.

He's not going to change is he?
So you know what you have to do

There's no point in giving you a lecture.
He's basically taking the piss and he's not gonna change.
My 5 words of advice.
Bin him and move on.

This is a step or two beyond having his cake and eating yours. Closing time!

Everyone.....op has left the building.

@Beenzzandcheeze nobody will put up with this long term. He has no boundaries where ex is concerned. Do they not have a proper custody arrangement? The ex is clearly crazy/jealous and hasn’t dealt with the split. This won’t change, whether or not you are around, unless he does something. I’d back off if I were you and tell them he can do as he wants but it doesn’t work for you and you wish him well.

LOL

Sounds like you need a partner with NO children from previous relationships, OP. It’s that simple. JFC!

Leave him but make it's clear it's due to him always being around his ex not due to him seeing daughter. A n occasional bit of coparenting together is ok if they get on well but not every night when she openly wants him back. He either likes the ego boost or is too scared of her to stand up to her. Neither bode well for you. It doesn't sound like he has a plan to start changing this to overnights at his own house.
Get a boyfriend that doesn't go away to his exes house for two hours every evening.

In which case, don't split up

This arrangement is confusing for the child and unworkable for the OP.

I would knock this relationship on the head personally.
I did have a few short uk holidays with my kids dad, he drives I don't, things such as an over night stay at alton towers with them when I was seeing my now fiance and it was separate beds for sure but when we became serious I stopped it and now holiday with him instead.

@Beenzzandcheeze

Ok, the thing is that he has the right to co-parent the way he wants to and he doesn't need to change that for you. Whether you think it right or wrong, or that he's being 'manipulated' by his ex is besides the question. He's doing what he wants to do and apparently sees no need to change/rock the boat. No one should change their co-parenting 'style' for another person no matter how unreasonable it appears to them.

The only question is whether or not you are willing to be in a relationship with a man who co-parents the way he does. And it sounds like the answer is 'No'. So you know what you need to decide. Either you 'hush up' and continue 'as is' or you end the relationship.