Partner continues to holiday with Ex

[Beenzzandcheeze]

I’m just after a little advice.

Myself and my current partner have been together for just over a year.
When we first got together, he made me aware of a holiday that was prebooked before they split up, with his Ex, his DD (age 2) and his side of the family for May this year.

He told me that he would be going for the sake of his daughter, so he could spend time with her etc, and that he didn’t want to lose the money he had paid.

He assured me that he would be in his sisters room, and that nothing would be going on between his ex and him.

I was uncomfortable about the whole situation, and made him aware of how I was feeling. He said I was being unreasonable, as he just wanted a holiday with his daughter. I reluctantly let it slide, but requested that whilst he was away to not send any photos etc, as I felt it was rubbing salt in the wounds, especially with me being uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, whilst he was there, he continued to send photos of what he was doing etc.

He goes round to his Ex’s house every night to see his daughter for a couple of hours, and they go swimming together each weekend. Again, this is something that makes me feel a little uneasy, which I have mentioned, but again, he dismisses it and says he wants to see his daughter every night and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

I should note that I have two DC myself, but myself and their dad share custody, and they spend two nights a week at his house.

This September, his ex was planning to go away for 3 nights in a caravan to Wales. He called me and told me that she had told him that his daughter had been crying and saying she wanted daddy to go in the caravan with them. So again, he told me he would be going for her sake, but his mum would be going with them too. I then see videos on his TikTok of them all together etc.

He was planning to go abroad with his mum in a couple of weeks, however, yesterday he sent me a text saying that his Ex had asked if she could go with them because it’s got multiple bedrooms, she needs a break, she has no one else to go on holiday with, and his daughter has been asking to go on the pool slides again with daddy. He said he’d told her she can go with him and his mum, because he isn’t going to deny his daughter a holiday, and it’s all for her to spend time with them together.

At this point I’m starting to feel completely uneasy about it all. But whenever I mention anything, he says I’m being totally unreasonable, and that I’m trying to control what he does with his daughter, and that I don’t like him spending time with her etc.

Ive tried to explain that it’s got nothing to do with him spending time with his daughter, trying to explain that he doesn’t need to see his ex, everytime he sees his DD. If she rings him and he’s with me, she turns funny with him.

We were trying to arrange a holiday back in July, but she told him that if he went with me, he could kiss goodbye to his DD.

Im just at a loss what to do. I don’t think I can sit back again, whilst he’s on holiday sending me photos of him having a whale of a time, knowing his with his ex.

Any advice would be appreciated

When a couple separates, you have to go against your instincts and face up to telling your children some things they don't want to hear. I recall telling my daughter that her parents were separating. She ran off, and I found her. She begged me to reassure her that I wouldn't find another partner. It was hard to tell her that I couldn't promise that, but I did it. It was a bit of a turning point. She understood that I wouldn't lie to her. I told her that I'd introduce her to anyone I did meet, and that she was important to me despite everything. It happened that I met my current wife only a couple of months later (Internet dating). I left a photo of her out when the children were staying, and my daughter started asking me about her, and she was excited to meet her. 20+ years on, they are very close.

It is unhelpful to hide the truth from a child. The parents have separated, and she will have to adjust. She will deal with it much better if there is less ambiguity.

I can understand your concerns and his ex is controlling your relationship, her saying that she won't let his daughter go on holiday with you shows she is using his daughter to get what she wants, if he starts to try and make demands to his ex she could stop him from seeing her, as she is only 2, it's going to be hard for her to understand, if she was older he could explain it to her, have you met his daughter and also his mother, the first prebooked holiday I can understand, but the others is her just getting what she wants, have you asked him about being able to join them on the holiday, if you have met his daughter then she knows daddy has a new friend, if you haven't and he refuses to let you join them, then it does seem like you either have to accept and trust him and hope it gets better as his daughter gets older or you leave him.
If you choice to leave him just tell him that you don't like the situation, you understand about his daughter and you don't want to get in the way of that but you can't carry on with the way things are.
I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you

You are not the right person in this situation. Get out. Don’t wreck that family.

he’s not doing anything wrong. He’s being a good dad. They are ex’s for a reason.

This.

What a load of rubbish! This bloke is having his cake and eating it too. The ex is being manipulative, OP has done nothing wrong!

He is missing out on the day to day with his daughter. He is basically fun dad who turns up, plays a little and then goes home. He doesn’t do the daily grind of parenting. Getting them up and dressed and out etc. can work when he likes and live the single man.
if he wants to be a proper dad then he needs 50/50 and a court order as the ex is already manipulating contact.
it’s not the kid asking for holidays with dad.

get out now before you move in or make further commitments. It will be hard but you deserve better than he can carry on doing what he’s doing. Minus the booty call

No, he doesn't need to go on holiday with her to have sex with her, he's round her house every night anyway. I'm sorry but all this isn't normal. I think he's still involved with his ex and using his dd as an excuse, even if that's not the case and it's genuinely gor his dd, it's never going to work.

Get out now!

This isn't likely to change, have you been asked on any of these holidays?

100%. I can't believe people on here are actually siding with his manipulative ex.

She's taking the piss, that's why. Using DD to manipulate and control him, dictating to him that he can't go on holiday with his new partner etc.
I don't think this set up would 'meet the needs' (as you put it) of anyone normal.

He is trying to convince you that his abnormal situation is the norm. It isn't. It is way too much. Seems he wants to pick and choose the part of the relationship he wanted to let go with her. Will still see her every night, play happy families with her and his family, but find someone new for the sex.
Sorry but this 1 is no good. You cannot build a normal relationship with someone who prioritises their ex. You deserve some full night's together, have meals after work together, go away together building memories. This man ain't going to give you any of that.
I have been there to a lesser extent with an ex. Weekends away with the ex and their friend for sons sport events so couldn't really argue against that. 2 nights a week sleeping at the house they once shared as she worked nights, then waking up to her arriving home and having breakfast together. It wasn't as bad as your situation and I stuck it out 2 and a half years, but it got to me more and more as time went on. Feeling like the 3rd wheel in your relationship is never a nice feeling and I felt more lonely in that relationship than when I was single. Find someone who can spend some decent time with you and build a life with you. You will be so much happier. This is not going to get any better I'm afraid

The child is two years old, you've been with him one year.

So assuming he wasn't already involved with you while she was pregnant and a new mother, he got together with you WAY too quickly after breaking up. It was too soon.

He may have moved out - but he hasn't moved on.

I think he needs space away from you to decide (or admit?) what he actually wants.

Just leave him. That is so much drama where you are constantly going out down by him about your feelings. Why do you tolerate this? You deserve better. Anyone deserves better. 💕

I think part of the difficulty is that DD is so young. At 2 my eldest was still cosleeping with me at night so I wouldn’t have done overnights away from me. I wouldn’t have allowed my child to holiday without me at 2 either. It’s right and fair he’s still involved in the life of his daughter, and if this is the only way he can be involved, with the involvement of ex too then maybe that’s how it has to be for him. It’s possible it’s gentler on the child and she has to be centre of this coparenting.

It doesn’t mean you have to be with him despite that. I like the previous poster’s phrasing of ‘incompatible’ lives. Maybe it’s just a case of bad timing for the two of you. If the child was older the lives might be more separate. Don’t stick around with a situation you’re clearly unhappy with, it doesn’t mean he’s wrong or there’s a ‘bad guy’ here though.

Just a little update.

I have removed myself from the situation, and I have ended things with him.

His daughter has recently turned three, and just for the record, my issues were never about him seeing her. I have two children myself, so I understand what it’s like, but I was mainly uncomfortable with him seeing his EX every single time he saw his daughter... I just couldn’t fathom why he wouldn’t want her around his house, and make his own memories with her.

I got to the point where I’d accepted him going round every night to play with her and put her to bed, but the holidays I just couldn’t deal with. He admitted that there would be more of similar to come, and I wasn’t prepared to deal with that.

The initial holiday was booked way in advance of them splitting up, and as far as I’m aware, when we first met, he told me they weren’t together, but it was a recent breakup.

Thank you for all of your comments, I really appreciate them.

As hard as it probably was OP you’ve done the right thing. Hes having his cake and eating it. Wanting to play happy families but still have a partner on top.

Its hard but good on you for making the right decision and wish you well for the future.

I guess at least he’s been honest with you that things weren’t going to change. Onwards and upwards x

@Beenzzandcheeze

Agree, you've done the right thing. Now take a breather, then onwards and upwards.

Good for you. He sounds like a good dad, but a complete pushover when ot comes to is ex. The situation was not sustainable, you would not have peaceful blended family life with his ex drama. I wouldn't be surprised if they get back together eventually.

@Beenzzandcheeze
I don't blame you - it's very difficult to feel like the spare wheel in your own relationship, but this was the role he'd assigned to you. I wouldn't have felt comfortable with the level of familiarity and contact he kept with his ex.

You can't change his behaviour or attitude - but you can decide that this relationship isn't working for you and isn't what you want. Best of luck for the future!

Well done, OP. So hard but this reads like the right thing.

Him jumping into a new relationship far too soon on the rebound from what must have been a very raw and complicated breakup.

And I would predict you'll hear sometime they've got back together and are making a go of it, whether for the child or because they've been getting on well bringing her up or because the holiday went well.

If that happens, don't beat yourself up saying 'maybe if I hadn't ended the relationship they wouldn't be back together' - it was going to happen and this way is cleaner.

Plan some fun with your own family and friends, keep busy and active.

Stepping out from your uneasy position in the middle of the three of them will ultimately be the best thing for you all.

Well done OP, you've done the right thing. I hope he thinks a bit harder next time around and realises that it's OK to live his life like this BUT he can't be a family with his ex to this extent AND have a relationship. He can casually date or have FWB etc but it's not fair on anyone for him to try and have it all. Fwiw, I think it'll end up more confusing/upsetting for his DD than just splitting time at this point.

that was the right thing to do. He wasn't going to change his ways.
Hope you're allright. Onwards and upwards!

Honestly, I would leave him. You are not being unreasonable at all. I'm assuming she's still little as she's crying and calling him daddy. This situation will never get better. He will always put his DD first , which is good but it's going too far , round there for hours every night , holidays with them. Being told kiss goodbye to your daughter if he goes on holiday with you. They don't sound like they are over eachother. He doesn't respect you at all and you are being blamed for trying to control time with his daughter. I'd leave as this will only get worse and more difficult down the line .

I can see I was late with my message. Well done you have seriously done the right thing and you will be happier for it.