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Original poster

Boyfriends response to pregnancy- AIBU?

210 replies

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 10:56

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

OP posts:
BleachedJumper · 15/09/2024 11:01

Ultimately, he’s letting you know now that he has no intention of being a support if you proceed.

That’s a good thing that you have the information currently, and don’t get hoodwinked down the line into believing he will be involved when he doesn’t intend to be.

I know exactly what I would be doing in your scenario.

SauviGone · 15/09/2024 11:02

You need to very quickly accept and come to terms with the fact that if you go ahead with this pregnancy, you need to prepare to be doing it very much alone.

You can then make a decision on what to do with your eyes wide open knowing exactly what you're taking on if you choose to proceed.

MidnightPatrol · 15/09/2024 11:02

This sounds very complicated OP and I’m not surprised they’re apprehensive.

Six months is no time at all, and with other children and living so far apart it’s going to be difficult for everyone - emotionally, financially, logistically. If the various children haven’t even met you / him and another baby on the way… that’s huge.

If I were in your shoes I’d be questioning if it were really the right time to be having a baby - and tbh the likelihood of the partner sticking around given they aren’t keen and it’s been such a short time together.

GCAcademic · 15/09/2024 11:03

It’s easy enough for a man to say he would step up when it’s a hypothetical situation, but the reality is something else entirely, as you’re starting to see. If you go ahead with the pregnancy, you should do so on the assumption that you’ll be on your own.

Howdull · 15/09/2024 11:05

It's good that he's been honest now

He doesn't sound like much of a potential father to be honest. Choose someone decent to be the father of your children, it's important.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 15/09/2024 11:06

Maybe when he said he would step up he was expecting long term in the future or that you were using contraception (as a couple not just you) and it was vanishingly unlikely. The reality is you live far apart already have multiple children each and have only been together six months. I also don't think he'd understand to say he wouldn't be able to not see his children for two weeks. Take the emotion out of it why would you add a baby to this situation? If you're going to go ahead assume you will do so as single parent

MidnightPatrol · 15/09/2024 11:07

Also OP - saying you’re ‘100% sure’ about someone six months into a relationship is meaningless.

People say all sorts of things when they’re trying to impress each other, and at that point in a relationship you’re still getting to know each other really. Especially if not seeing each other frequently (which given the distance is likely).

Kelly51 · 15/09/2024 11:09

but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position
you allowed yourself. In your position I'd terminate, no point in trying to force him into parenting a child.

LegoTherapy · 15/09/2024 11:10

He's let you know exactly what kind of man he is. He isn't good enough to be in your life so he's not part of your future. The question is really; do you want this baby? Focus on yourself and your children, not him.

I've raised my ds completely alone and have two older children. It was hard work as I had no help at all but I have no regrets.

Psychoticbreak · 15/09/2024 11:10

I think he said that so he didnt need to use condoms to be honest. He is telling you the person he is and telling you that you will not be a priority meaning your baby will not be either. This relationship is doomed.

Givemegoldensun · 15/09/2024 11:12

I wouldn’t ever tell someone what to do in this situation but I know exactly what I would do. I would have a termination and break up with him. I know that it is a lot more complicated then that but for me it would make the most sense practically and would be putting my existing children and self first. I don’t think many relationships could recover from this and if I’m honest I think his reaction says a lot about the commitment (or lack thererof) that he perceives you two having, both now and in the future. Unless you are a happy with being a single mother to a new baby and know that you can fully support them and your existing family emotionally, practically and financially I think this makes the most sense. I know it will be difficult either way and I really feel for you. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide OP.

Edingril · 15/09/2024 11:13

I have food in my fridge older than this, why are you surprised? You are getting honesty if you want to deliberately join the ever increasing statistic of single parents that is up to you

What do you really expect us to say? You are going to hold hands and run towards a rainbow this is real life and 'Oh sweetheart you need a hug' does nothing to change the fact you need make a decision and get your head out of the clouds and yes this is harsh

Bigearringsbigsmile · 15/09/2024 11:16

Terminate and move on.
Why on earth would even consider keeping a child in these circumstances?

You not a youngster who had no idea- you've done it before, you know how hard it is. Just madness.

LizFromMotherland · 15/09/2024 11:21

If you want this baby you're going to have to resign yourself to doing it alone.

All the ifs, buts, maybes etc mean nothing because you'll have to look at it as though the buck firmly stops with you and make your own arrangements incase he changes his mind again, or incase your short relationship comes to an end.

BlackShuck3 · 15/09/2024 11:23

Psychoticbreak · 15/09/2024 11:10

I think he said that so he didnt need to use condoms to be honest. He is telling you the person he is and telling you that you will not be a priority meaning your baby will not be either. This relationship is doomed.

I agree with this. I'm sorry you're in this very difficult situation@WhatIsLife24

Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 11:26

To be clear I was asking whether my question to him was unreasonable- not having his baby. I’ve already made the decision that is not the right thing to do.
yes I have allowed this to happen just as much as him but I’m saying I’m annoyed as instead of saying all this to me before he’s led me to believe that he’d be there and be supportive if it happened. When all the reasons he’s provided were always there so I think he should instead have said something along the lines of we are absolutely not ready to have a baby so no sex until we’ve sorted out contraception. Yes I’m not a child so I’m an idiot for getting myself into this position and should have said that myself. But I am questioning whether this a huge red flag for him as I feel he’s under the impression that we will carry on as we were before

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 11:30

but some of you have answered that so thank you

OP posts:
FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 11:30

To answer your question, and to take his reasoning at face value, he has other children that he is responsible for and lives a long way from you. It’s quite possible he can’t just drop everything to be with you for two weeks unless you would feel happy about his children also staying with you and him disappearing for the school runs etc.

Yes, unless self employed, he is entitled to paternity leave, but he might not be paid as much for it so that will impact his income.

I think that to him this pregnancy, if you go ahead, has ended your relationship and he is making it clear that he won’t be providing any support (physically at least).

You’re six months in, your children have understandably never met, and there are decent men out there if you want to have another child and another man in your family’s life.

LizFromMotherland · 15/09/2024 11:32

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 11:26

To be clear I was asking whether my question to him was unreasonable- not having his baby. I’ve already made the decision that is not the right thing to do.
yes I have allowed this to happen just as much as him but I’m saying I’m annoyed as instead of saying all this to me before he’s led me to believe that he’d be there and be supportive if it happened. When all the reasons he’s provided were always there so I think he should instead have said something along the lines of we are absolutely not ready to have a baby so no sex until we’ve sorted out contraception. Yes I’m not a child so I’m an idiot for getting myself into this position and should have said that myself. But I am questioning whether this a huge red flag for him as I feel he’s under the impression that we will carry on as we were before

To be clear I was asking whether my question to him was unreasonable

No, but nor was his honest answer. Better her's honest at this stage instead of telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

I’m saying I’m annoyed as instead of saying all this to me before he’s led me to believe that he’d be there and be supportive if it happened

You're well aware that when something is hypothetical, a person's thoughts can be completely different to when it actually happens.

so I think he should instead have said something along the lines of we are absolutely not ready to have a baby so no sex until we’ve sorted out contraception.

You're not a 14 year old girl. NO-ONE should have to tell you, you need to sort out contraception before you have sex.

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 11:32

I think he should instead have said something along the lines of we are absolutely not ready to have a baby so no sex until we’ve sorted out contraception.

Surely it takes a few minutes to go to the nearest shop or petrol station and pick up some condoms. You’re both six months into the relationship so more than enough time to have sorted out any appropriate contraception and that responsibility lies with both of you.

LizFromMotherland · 15/09/2024 11:33

Forgot to add...

But I am questioning whether this a huge red flag for him as I feel he’s under the impression that we will carry on as we were before

I've a feeling he's thinking the exact opposite.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/09/2024 11:34

Yes it’s a huge red flag. It sounds like he’s deceived you in his quest for sex. I have a couple of friends who got pregnant much earlier than you in a relationship. One of whom lived hundreds of miles from the guy. In both scenarios the man totally stepped up and was there to support mother and baby as that is the decent thing to do.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 15/09/2024 11:34

God, don't carry on as before no. End it and just be by yourself with your children.

TinyYellow · 15/09/2024 11:39

I wouldn’t see commitment to his existing children as a red flag about him as a person, but it might be an indicator that you want different things long term.

He did no more to cause this situation than you did and deserves no more blame for it than you do. If you know it’s not the right time for either of you, and you both made the same mistake, why wouldn’t you carry on the relationship as before?

Getonwitit · 15/09/2024 11:41

The pair of you created this ridiculous situation. Two bloody grown adults acting like teenagers. So many innocent children dragged into your drama. You need to decide if you can afford the time, money and impact on your other children. He will not step up.