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Original poster

Boyfriends response to pregnancy- AIBU?

210 replies

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 10:56

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

OP posts:
BlackShuck3 · 15/09/2024 12:26

This man is only thinking about his dick, he wanted to go bareback and to get you to go along with this he lied through his teeth and pretended that he would be there for you if you fell pregnant.
Yes you've been naive OP, but he's been a lying bastard and you can't trust him.

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 12:26

The more of your answers I read, the more it comes across that you wanted a baby with him and intended/hoped/planned to get pregnant and are now disappointed.

Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 12:29

HeddaGarbled · 15/09/2024 12:15

he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby

He’s right. He sounds like a good guy.

He does seem like a good guy, he’s a great father to his other kids from what I can tell and there has been no issues up until now which is part of the reason I’ve been so stupid as I genuinely thought I was secure with him despite it not being very long.
But to say he’d be ok with me getting pregnant and actually talking about it as something he wants and then backing out now it’s happened is confusing to me to match that with a good guy.
In reality maybe him saying that about his kids isn’t unreasonable, but I don’t think not seeing them to help me with his other child is worse than when he doesn’t see them to go on holiday. It’s not even like he couldn’t see them for 2 weeks, he could see them on weekends, even take the baby to meet them surely? I know it’s not the same as 50% of the week. But anyway the practical things are irrelevant as it’s not happening anyway

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 15/09/2024 12:29

Bringing a baby into a new relationship like this is Ill advised- especially when there are other children in the mix.
Not surprised he’s freaked out by it, but he should have used condoms.

I know what I’d do- no way would I be bringing a baby into this new relationship

mellowfell · 15/09/2024 12:30

Op he's prioritising his current kids and so should you!

BlackShuck3 · 15/09/2024 12:31

So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable because it’s my own stupidity?
It would be nice if we could assume that people are decent and will behave with integrity but my experiences is that often people will do whatever they think they can get away with, especially men in pursuit of sex.

IVFmumoftwo · 15/09/2024 12:33

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 10:56

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

It comes across that you both weren't being careful with contraception? He needs to suck it up and accept it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2024 12:34

IVFmumoftwo · 15/09/2024 12:33

It comes across that you both weren't being careful with contraception? He needs to suck it up and accept it.

Show quote history

Rather they were both actively trying to conceive which is what fertile age people having unprotected sex is. And it worked.

He doesn’t have to accept it though. He can walk away and looks like he will.

DoYouReally · 15/09/2024 12:35

The bigger question here is why you would put yourself in the position with someone you haven't know that long?

Were you hoping to get pregnant and hoping for a different outcome?

Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 12:35

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 12:26

The more of your answers I read, the more it comes across that you wanted a baby with him and intended/hoped/planned to get pregnant and are now disappointed.

I guess after speaking to him part of me wanted to have a baby with him. Prior to him bringing it up I didn’t want any more kids period. I was on the pill at the start of the relationship but it was causing a lot of side effects. I had spoken about alternatives but he was quite happy for me not to. So whilst I was stupid, I think this is still unfair of him as it wasn’t even like I was asking him to use condoms

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 15/09/2024 12:36

Women are stuck with the consequences of getting pregnant, men can and do walk away. Even if he didnt and he did step up I'm struggling to see how you thought this would ever be workable let alone worth risking when you both have your own kids in different locations and he's doing 50/50 care and your kids haven't even met each other yet. I'm not sure who or what you expect to hold him accountable. The law only holds men accountable for child support, even then it can be got around. I think he's a shit, but no I really don't think men need to say we aren't ready to have a baby a few months into a new relationship.

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/09/2024 12:36

He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Why would this even have come up as a topic of conversation only six months in?

MMmomDD · 15/09/2024 12:36

OP - i dont know how old you are, or what your circumstances are, but it all sounds a mess.
You mention having ‘children’, but sound
strangely naive about how relationships work. And seem to not comprehend that duration of relationship matters.

You also sound like you wanted to get pregnant - else why would pre-discuss what’d happen when you get pregnant.
You also seem to not consider the impact on all the children involved.

Sex is a joint act, sure. But in the end of the day - its all a woman’s decision, as there is only one of you that gets pregnant. And only one of you then decides what happens next.
.

BlackShuck3 · 15/09/2024 12:39

OP, you trusted this man, he was aware that you trusted him and he used that to exploit you, to get what he wanted at your expense.
He tricked you and he is pretending that he hasn't. If you let him get away with this he will carry on exploiting you and deceiving you.

MSLRT · 15/09/2024 12:42

To be fair he is putting the children he already has first. And why should his ex-wife have to do an extra week of child care to accommodate you?

Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2024 12:42

I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask, but his answer wasn’t unreasonable either. Considering you haven’t even met each others children yet especially it makes the whole thing more complicated because actually you’re not a family and after only 6 months you aren’t partners, you’re essentially in the dating/honeymoon stage still. I also think his change of reaction when you fell pregnant is quite normal (although not great). It’s one thing to think about it as a hypothetical situation, but seeing those 2 lines on a test suddenly makes it all very real- we were actively trying to conceive and I still had a bit of a panic when I got my positive test! So an unexpected pregnancy after 6 months together, living separately and having not even met the other kids involved yet I’m really not surprised he’s panicked.

TinyYellow · 15/09/2024 12:44

I guess after speaking to him part of me wanted to have a baby with him. Prior to him bringing it up I didn’t want any more kids period. I was on the pill at the start of the relationship but it was causing a lot of side effects.

So there’s no chance you let him believe that you didn’t want a baby at this stage in your life and relationship so would be more likely to terminate than continue if you accidentally became pregnant?

Tel12 · 15/09/2024 12:44

It sounds like a line that men have been spinning since time immemorial. Back in the day - if you get pregnant we'll get married. Sometimes they did and sometimes they didn't with disastrous consequences for the woman. You didn't make an unreasonable request but he turned you down. The message is clear, terminate or you are on your own. He wants you to terminate so you can get back to having sex. He probably wouldn't be adverse to you out having successive terminations. You decide this is what you want out of life.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 15/09/2024 12:45

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 12:29

He does seem like a good guy, he’s a great father to his other kids from what I can tell and there has been no issues up until now which is part of the reason I’ve been so stupid as I genuinely thought I was secure with him despite it not being very long.
But to say he’d be ok with me getting pregnant and actually talking about it as something he wants and then backing out now it’s happened is confusing to me to match that with a good guy.
In reality maybe him saying that about his kids isn’t unreasonable, but I don’t think not seeing them to help me with his other child is worse than when he doesn’t see them to go on holiday. It’s not even like he couldn’t see them for 2 weeks, he could see them on weekends, even take the baby to meet them surely? I know it’s not the same as 50% of the week. But anyway the practical things are irrelevant as it’s not happening anyway

Show quote history

He's shown you he's not a good guy. Good guys don't act the way he has. Maybe he's a good dad to his existing kids but he's not a good boyfriend or a good person. Small mercy, but at least he has been upfront about it now and didn't keep faking that l until it was to late for you to have any choices in matter and you can go forward or not knowing the reality of the situation.

Canadianmaple · 15/09/2024 12:45

I think you are really brave to admit that part of you wanted a baby with him …and that’s really important to know about yourself and perhaps what you are trying to get out of a relationship. It’s why sometimes if you have loved and lost and been left with the kids, it’s important to take some time to process that so you don’t take unresolved stuff into your future relationships.

OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 12:47

How much do you know about this man?
Why did the relationship his kids came from break down for example? Do you know this?

It feels very early to be having a child with him full stop, let alone now that you can see him backing off.

BlackShuck3 · 15/09/2024 12:50

MSLRT · 15/09/2024 12:42

To be fair he is putting the children he already has first. And why should his ex-wife have to do an extra week of child care to accommodate you?

He's putting his sexual pleasure first. OP has been naive but he has exploited her, deliberately lied to her knowing that she trusted him.
Which is the greater sin, is it naivety or is it lying so that you can exploit people?

honeylulu · 15/09/2024 12:52

His reaction sounds to me like he considers his existing children to be his "real" children and his ex to be the "real" mother of his children. Possibly he may not have got as far as processing that if you have the baby he will have a third real child and a second real mother of his children and ideally will have an equal duty of care rather than a lesser one to the new family. He may wake up to this when things actually become a reality but it's not guaranteed.

On the other hand he may be consciously taking the view that you and the potential new baby will be secondary in his life and that won't change.

It's not ideal because you don't know which way this will go. So if you have the baby you need to be prepared for the second scenario.

I would say that if there is a dilemma about a pregnancy (i.e. no religious or moral objections to termination) the first priority should be the well being of existing children. So it's not surprising that he feels as he does. You will no doubt also be considering your own existing children. But your body, your choice, so you have the final say.

Cozylozy · 15/09/2024 12:52

6 months into a relationship is not knowing someone, it is the honeymoon period

Lucy25 · 15/09/2024 12:57

Kelly51 · 15/09/2024 11:09

but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position
you allowed yourself. In your position I'd terminate, no point in trying to force him into parenting a child.

It’s not about blame, or trying to force, a man to be a father.They’ve been together, 6 months, if a man is having a sexual relationship, he’s aware, or should be, pregnancy can happen.
It not anyone’s place on here, to be talking about termination.