Boyfriends response to pregnancy- AIBU?

[WhatIsLife24]

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

He actually said that to you?

Even if he didn't, he knew they weren't using reliable contraception, were risking pregnancy, and it sounds like he gave the op the strong impression they'd work with it if she fell pregnant.

Agree. You'd be having a baby with a virtual stranger. It's not fair on the child.

But he never said he "wanted your baby" you're rewriting history as you obviously wanted an accidental (as much as it could be, given you were obviously both fertile and having unprotected sex!) pregnancy and hoped he would "come round" to it.

You've both been extremely irresponsible but it seems you are the one pushing to keep the pregnancy. With children already and after just six months do you not think that shows poor judgment?! How old are your existing kids?

I can't believe you had unprotected sex with (basically) a virtual stranger and thought he'd be delighted you got pregnant

Don't be nasty.

That's hyperbole - at six months in , he's not a virtual stranger.

I've known women who got pregnant by virtual strangers!!! ...And this is not that.

He also very clearly implied he'd be ok with it, but with reality hitting, he's feeling and acting totally differently.

The op doesn't need kicked, she's already down.

Yes, l think this why it’s confusing and upsetting for op.

'Even if he didn't'.

He didn't, and the OP didn't tell him she decided she wanted a baby with him either, even when she made the decision.

All very childish, all very irresponsible and all very sad considering the kids they both already have.

It sounds as though neither of them are old enough to even be having sex.

Op, what a shit situation for you

He's obviously an immature wanker and quite cavalier and full of shit.

I'd also say that the theoretical idea of something, especially something like a child, is very very different from the reality. Though, being a parent already, he had much less excuse for that than a non parent.

It was a risk to believe a man would follow through on his apparent philosophy, positive attitude to having a baby - six months in, in the circumstances. Unfortunately the risk hasn't worked out.

I would say get the fuck rid of him, he's shown that he's made of. Immature, low integrity, cavalier as you said yourself cruel behaviour. I wouldn't let his dick near me again. He's not worth your time.

Oh and when men end up single even though they're brought kids into the world with someone, it's not usually for good reasons. They're often just circulating trash.

The same does not apply to women most of the time.

Im confused why so many are saying he’s not a good man.

Switch this out, ex partner who has the kids 50% of the time has got his very new gf pregnant. The kids have never met her or her kids and she lives over an hour away.
. He’s responsible for 50% of school runs now he’s telling me he wants to disappear for two weeks to sort out new gf & new baby. I can’t get time off work for childcare - AIBU to say no to this and insist he sorts the current kids out during this time?

"So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable because it’s my own stupidity?"
Yes. Men don’t get pregnant and society excuses men who don’t see their kids and they know this. (There will be many who think that men don’t see their child because of the woman or that the man was baby trapped)

Playing Devil’s Advocate here but if you wanted unprotected sex with a woman wouldn’t you consider saying something on the lines of what he said? CMS is a joke and I see why many men would gamble on the fact that there would be minimal effects on their lives if the mother got pregnant.

It’s not fair but you need to focus on what’s best for you and your kids because he’s clearly going to be no help.

He didn't

Well then he probably shouldn't be shooting his baby batter up women of child bearing age!!!

And it sounds like he implied heavily they would keeo any baby and work through it.
He's just a flake and dickhead and cavalier so now it's "I couldn't possibly do ABC".

The op has been lacking caution and skepticism though, this early on, in the circumstances.

Im confused why so many are saying he’s not a good man.

He's still responsible for his side of contraception, he took none.

But most importantly, it appears he strongly implied he'd be ok with a pregnancy and would he an actual partner and father if a pregnancy occurred, but has now reneged on that.

Leaving op with the choice of terminating or being essentially a single Mum to his child.

That's why.

a) Because if what OP says was true, he was leading her on. Implying he wanted a child too when he clearly didn't.
b) He should have worn a condom.

It wasn’t a one night stand, it’s a 6 month relationship.So much berating on here and completely missing the point.
If a man is having unprotected sex knowingly, says he would be supportive, if a pregnancy occurred, however when it does happen, changes his mind.Is this ok? Or is it just easier to blame op.

Well then he probably shouldn't be shooting his baby batter up women of child bearing age!!!

Very true and equally the OP shouldn't be so receptive to his 'baby batter', without protecting her own body from pregnancy.

But then the OP has admitted she wanted a baby with him.

I think she just forgot to sit him down and discuss it, like two grown up parents might.

To be clear yes he did say he wanted to have a baby with me before I got pregnant. A girl to be specific. I’m not imagining that or making it up to make me look better. It’s all ridiculous regardless I’m quite aware.
He added that it would be a struggle because of obvious reasons but he would support me if it happened because he believed we’re good and he’s sure about me. Fair enough maybe the reality is now hitting in but it’s very different to be anxious to actually saying he can’t/won’t be able to support me. That to me is not being a good man. But given that so many here think otherwise I would suggest it’s not that unreasonable for me to think the same and act so naively.

I am still quite surprised by some of the comments and maybe I am in the wrong then and it is me who is responsible. But I will certainly not be raising my son to think like that if he ever got a woman pregnant.

To answer his back story- I can only say from what he’s told me. His wife cheated and got pregnant and decided to keep the child. This was nearly 3 years ago.

I don’t disagree that existing children should be prioritised. But I’m not sure why it’s only acceptable to prioritise them over helping to care for your other child for a very short time but it’s ok not to see them when you want to go on holiday. Or if he accepts an international job he’s applied for where he would have to travel abroad for weeks at a time on a regular basis. Maybe it is different for the kids as they will know he isn’t seeing them because of another child rather than because ‘daddy is working’. But just seems like an excuse to me. As his ex will have to sort out childcare in those situations but I guess the consensus is she shouldn’t have to do so to accommodate me. To me that seems petty and I would like to think if my ex was in the same situation we would compromise and find a solution.

Ultimately yes it shouldn’t have happened. I don’t need more comments about that

It doesn't matter whether it's ok.

What a strange thing to focus on when the OP needs to focus on the fact she's pregnant now, to a man who changed his mind about supporting her.

Ok, let's say "It's not OK"

There, it's been said.

But what now?

To be clear yes he did say he wanted to have a baby with me before I got pregnant. A girl to be specific. I’m not imagining that or making it up to make me look better. It’s all ridiculous regardless I’m quite aware.

And you only remembered this utterly important fact three quarters of the way through the thread?

Right.

Im surprised by the posts here justifying that man's actions and saying he's a good guy or blaming you for not sorting out the contraception.
You took the risk of getting pregnant based on his promise to you that he would accept the pregnancy and support you in case it happened.
Yes you were naive for believing him, but he's an asshole for misleading you.

It's good you know now that he's not a man of his word, that he will not support you when you need him to, and that he will say anything in the moment to get what he wants.

You’ve picked a guy who doesn’t like to use condoms and thinks it’s your responsibility to sort out the consequences of any mishaps.
You’ve both been irresponsible and naive .
He will never parent this child , he’s got enough with the other children he’s fathered.
Its really your choice if you want to bring up another child as a single parent, have the baby adopted or a termination.
But to complain it’s unfair when you know this was a possibility especially as you were never living with each other.

I really don’t think you know someone very well after 6 months of dating. Yes, I am sure there are some men who step up when a women gets pregnant very early in a relationship but I am also sure there are a lot who just leg it. The whole “your body your choice” thing works both ways. If YOU don’t want to get pregnant, you make sure you don’t. And yes, I know contraception can fail, but that isn’t the case here. Plus, what about STIs??

OP. People (especially men), say all sorts of things at the start of relationships. They want to be viewed in a nice light, want to be seen as a good guy, good man etc etc. This is to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, lock you down and get what they want (sex and/or the benefits of a relationship).

Of course he wasn't just going to say out loud to you, when talking about a hypothetical baby or hypothetical unplanned pregnancy- "well actually if this happened I wouldn't be supportive, I'd want you to have an abortion and I'd be planning to f*ck off and leave you alone".

Often people just say what they think you want to hear, or what makes them sound like a nice, reasonable person.

By his reaction, he was clearly hoping this didn't happen.

Did he know you were off the pill OP?

And I say this as someone who's been in a sort of similar situation, although we'd been together a bit longer than 6 months!

He told me "oh I would be so nice to have children with you one day" etc.

But when it actually happened, he was not on board at all.

He wanted to "stay" together. But really this was just so he could get in my ear and tell me "I want a baby with you but just not right now, the timing isn't right" I.e try and convince me to have an abortion.

He's an EOW Dad now (pretty reluctantly I might add!) and does just enough not to be seen as the "bad guy" or a "deadbeat".

Yes that is right actually. I wasn’t asking for peoples opinion on the baby situation which everyone keeps focusing on. as well as my stupidity. Purely my question to him. I didn’t feel it necessary to share our entire conversations or his past with his ex that had been asked. Ffs. Do you want our text messages for proof.

regardless knowingly having unprotected with someone is a shitty thing to do and I am baffled by everyone thinking it is ok ok his part. No wonder society readily accepts that men don’t have to be responsible for their actions when there are so many women on here who agree

I agree with you OP. He said one thing, had knowingly unprotected sex, seems to be surprised by the resulting pregnancy, and is now 180-ing in what he said before.

I don’t think he’s a ‘good guy’ at all. At best, he’s thick as mince.

Who cares if he "wanted" a baby or not??? He's not in a position to be a good or even mediocre dad to it, as anyone should have plainly seen.

Babies aren't dolls. They are human beings whose quality of upbringing will impact society and the people around them for 70-100 years. Producing one is a momentous choice and responsibility. Not a way to test a new boyfriend.

Jesus. The posters holding the OP as majority responsible… 🤮