Boyfriends response to pregnancy- AIBU?

[WhatIsLife24]

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

Your question asking him to support you for two weeks after the baby is born wasn’t unreasonable at all OP.
His answer wasn’t unreasonable either as it’s probably the simple truth. More truthful than when you asked him hypothetically before he knew you were pregnant. There are levels of truth for him it seems.

When push comes to shove, no he will not be supporting you now - even though yes, he did like to think he would support you …before he knew you were pregnant.

This begs the question, -did you take him at his word when you asked him hypothetically and did you believe him, -and that’s why you allowed yourself to be in this position? As your comments go on, this pregnancy seems less like an accident and more like you intended it to happen . I’m very sad for you if that’s the case, -you were far too naive/easily fooled. But you know that now and you are being accountable.

So now you know the facts, now you are wiser, you can make sure your decision is sound and for the best.
You have no reason to think he’s going to shape up and support you and a second family. In fact he has told you very clearly that he won’t. You now know exactly who he is. You didn’t before.
He likes the sex but not the consequences.
So no, I wouldn’t let him back into your life knowing he is unreliable and just in it for his own needs. The thought of him in your bed again will only add to your trauma.

Do what’s right for your lovely existing family OP. Good luck.

I would be telling my DD that she was incredibly stupid to get herself in this position regardless of what the bloke said.

Well yes.

We've both got kids, live an hour apart are 6months in-let's have a baby!

Just because he said it doesn't mean you have to do it!

You're obsessing over the wrong thing, though OP. You are playing the victim making out that this is about his response, him not "stepping up and supporting" you but you are ignoring all the PP's questions about why YOU wanted a child so soon in the relationship whilst living an hour apart with existing children.

Can you answer that?? Why did you want a child so quickly with this man?!

Because he wanted one of course!

I’m not playing victim at all. I accept I’ve been a dick and yes knowingly was having unprotected sex with someone after not even 6 months together. So I’m accountable as well.

It’s not me ignoring people who are saying this. That just isn’t what I’ve come on here for. I don’t need to be berated for my actions. I was asking for peoples opinion on his actions.

But if you want a response then yes I clearly do need to work on myself for trusting a man so quickly and thinking that this was a good idea. As it was ridiculous and not normally something I would consider in a million years. My other children were conceived after I was married. I’m not normally careless.

But I do feel it’s slightly unfair that the response is mainly why did YOU allow this to happen as in a nutshell he’s a guy so what did you expect. I absolutely do not expect a man to mislead me to get me pregnant. Whether I am naive or not and whatever my issues are does not change the fact that that is not ok. Saying there would be more sympathy if it was accidental doesn’t make sense either- so in that scenario if he didn’t support me people would understand where I’m coming from. But because I’ve allowed it to happen it’s my own fault for being so naive? and he’s done nothing wrong.
But fair enough. I give up.

The simple truth is-
You BOTH behaved irresponsibly by having unprotected sex in a six month long relationship when you BOTH already have other children.

Irrespective of what he said, you said blah blah blah. It was ridiculous to take that risk when you both have other children to consider who haven't even met yet.
You sound very immature to be honest.

Take this as a lesson that you can't go by what anyone says, especially someone you barely know (you don't know them well enough long distance and only six months in). While there are men that step up and will be a good father - many don't/aren't - even when the children were had within marriage. It's probably not a good idea for a woman to get pregnant unless she knows she would still want that baby even if she had to do it alone.

Also, termination is not a form of contraception. Especially when there weren't any measures used to prevent a pregnancy at all in the first place, this is terrible IMO.

He was absolutely, 100% wrong and as equally responsible for this situation as you.

Thing is though - as the woman - the person who has to go through a termination, or go through the pregnancy/birth and who has to raise the baby alone if the father doesn't step up...as the person who is going to bear the most burden in the situation, you really should have been more responsible regardless of whatever he said/did.

The physical and emotional consequences are greater for you than him, which is probably why people are focusing more on the decisions you made in this situation and the fact that it seems you really didn't give it any thought.

Again, you're missing the point!! Even if he HAD been genuine about wanting a baby with you, and he did promise to support you, why on earth did you think it was a good idea??

What was your plan for introducing the children and living together? Or did you hear what you wanted to hear, get pregnant and hope everything would just magically work out, that he would move in with you and your son and the families would blend perfectly in time for the new baby?!

Stop focusing on how irresponsible he has been (no one is disagreeing with you on this!) and look at why you were willing to move this relationship so quickly when you have existing children......

Are you still together or broken up?

People are asking why you allowed it happen because it's your responsibility to take precautions if you don't want to get pregnant. We can only look out for ourselves. However, it seems that you did want to get pregnant, so it's understandable why you weren't ensuring contraception was used.

If your boyfriend didn't want a baby, he should have been using condoms.

Not one single thought during any of these ridiculous contraception-free sex sessions, was given by either parent towards the children they already have.

So if he was happy to support the OP, they'd both be having a conversation with their kids.

"Oh hi kids. Surprise! I'm going to have a child with someone you've never met and I've only known for 6 months!"

Wait, what? Why aren't you over the moon about this? You'll get to meet Uncle Gazza/Auntie Shazza soon so chin up and stop crying.

I think, six months in, if someone plans a child then it’s a future plan (and actually a plan), not an immediate one. Especially when you live an hour apart, and have existing children. If it is an immediate plan under those circumstances, then I would say that it’s a bigger red flag than not being up for it tbh.

It’s also easy to think you’d be up for something, then get smacked in the face by reality when it actually happens. I don’t think he is at all wrong consider the real world ramifications of going ahead, and change his mind.

But I do feel it’s slightly unfair that the response is mainly why did YOU allow this to happen as in a nutshell he’s a guy so what did you expect. I absolutely do not expect a man to mislead me to get me pregnant. Whether I am naive or not and whatever my issues are does not change the fact that that is not ok.

No one is saying he’s not a dick and he’s not wrong for being a liar or having the ridiculous conversation about having a baby with you.

We are saying that (like we all do) you need to be responsible for your own actions and you need to do what’s best for yourself - that means not having a conversation or coming off contraception with a man you barely know.

You do have to take more responsibility as a woman because you’re the one who would be left holding the baby if he fucked off.

If I got a random email from the king of Nigeria telling me he wants to give me £2million but he needs my back details - I would be an absolute fool to give them to him.
Yes he would be in the wrong, the person who is lying and trying to manipulate me is of course in the wrong but as an adult I have to take responsibility for my own actions, especially when it’s me who is going to be the one losing my money/left holding the baby.

No one is saying that he’s not a twat.

Termination is a form of birth control and perfectly legit.

Given the number of sexually active women in their childbearing ages globally, and the high rate of pregnancy failure, I assume there are 100 million embryos and feti that end up flushed down the toilet or on sanitary towels in dump heaps every year. Rejecting pregnancy is a feature, not a bug. Whether our bodies or our minds do the rejecting is immaterial. We aren't meant to carry every single pregnancy to term. Please don't guilt someone for taking an entirely practical and logical step.

You don’t live together;
you have kids from previous relationships;
your kids , thankfully have not met yet;
and you think it’s all fine to have a baby.

my kids are now late teens. My ex h had a baby when they were 10/12. They found it really hard. Why do we do this to our kids!

ultimately it’s your body so you take the final responsibility. Did no one not tell you to never trust what a man says when he wants sex.

"When all the reasons he’s provided were always there so I think he should instead have said something along the lines of we are absolutely not ready to have a baby so no sex until we’ve sorted out contraception. Yes I’m not a child"

You sound like a child. How naïve do you have to be the believe a man who you barely know who says you can just have sex without contraception because he will step up. Good lord. It's like you are 16 and have never read a single post about men on MN.

You were irresponsible and now there are some horrible consequences to deal with. Why you are still asking whether the keep the relationship going blows my mind. Surely you want a decent man, who doesn't lie, who steps up when he fucked up and is responsible in your life not some 'I'll say anything to get in ungloved scum'. Bin him! And learn from your mistakes.

But I do feel it’s slightly unfair that the response is mainly why did YOU allow this to happen as in a nutshell he’s a guy so what did you expect.

I think a lot of us just feel that even considering a baby in such circumstances would be an absolute no let alone trying.

I genuinely thought I was secure with him despite it not being very long
6 months you've known him!!
The more I read I'm thinking you got pregnant deliberately, I never cease to be amazed at the poor choices women continue to make.

It's irresponsible to promote the idea that termination is a form of contraception rather than preventing getting pregnant in the first place. Going through that is going to impact people in different ways, for some it will be emotionally very challenging or something they may regret later even if that's what they wanted at the time. I'm sure the actual process probably isn't a pleasant experience either. I don't think it is something that should be taken lightly. It is not contraception and people shouldn't view getting pregnant so flippantly.

Ugh, I'm sorry OP, I think he's showing you exactly what kind of a person he is.

I've been there (pregnancy very early in a relationship/termination), be kind to yourself - and consider how you'll feel about him going forward if you do decide to stay together. Resentment? Something worse?

I think you should just forgive yourself for believing his future faking lies. He clearly just wanted unprotected sex and told you whatever you'd believe to her that to happen. So now you're where you are and you just have to deal with it and ditch the idiot. It was silly of you to go along with this so early into a relationship but we all make mistakes.

@Lucy25
you keep saying 'due to side effects' as if this is a good reason why OP decided not to be responsible for her own contraception. There are other methods she could have used you know, she just decided she didn't want to. Sounds like she had a different agenda.

OP, don’t take any notice of the comments, where the person’s only aim is to support men and blame women.I’m fairly new to Mumsnet, it’s been an eye opener, have found it’s always the same on here, people who l personally think, are men who want to derail a thread, to push their own agenda, which is to put, in particularly younger women down, berate and praise other men to condone their own behaviour Worryingly there are women here, who are from a completely different generation, who support these men.They actually have a lot to answer for, because they’ve raised men who have zero respect for women and don’t see them as equals.The views on here, isn’t a true, representation of what people believe outside Mumsnet.I understand this is an open forum, if men are commenting it should be said it’s from a man’s perspective.There was a thread the other day, think it’s still going strong, the comments are mostly from pensioners, it’s apparent to me, there are people commenting, who are prejudiced against young women.Ageism works both ways.On other threads here, it’s clear, people are using this forum to push their misogynistic views.

I know it’s sickening isn’t it! The people who think it’s ok to blame the woman, aren’t a true representation of what people outside Mumsnet truly believe.I believe these comments are coming from men and women who have raised these men.

It sounds like the theoretical reality was one thing compared to the actual reality so he told you what you wanted to hear rather then say no this is foolish.

You probably find his thought pattern was probably well it took x amount of months for my ex to get pregnant so it's pretty low risk etc.
The wanting a girl specifically thing is a bit strange.....either he has boys and his ex wife's affair baby was a girl or his ex wife might have always wanted a girl and now has 3 boys!