Boyfriends response to pregnancy- AIBU?

[WhatIsLife24]

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

I cannot begin to understand why YOU would begin to contemplate having a baby with a man you have known long distance for 6 months when you have other children... regardless of what he said or did or didn't do !

The only circumstances where this would begin to be remotely understandable is where your chances of having a child were fading fast and your were prepared to have a baby at any cost . Your situation is not this. Completely irresponsible.

You are an adult human female who has been pregnant before and thought doing it again with a man you e known such a short time is just bonkers.

^*
regardless knowingly having unprotected with someone is a shitty thing to do and I am baffled by everyone thinking it is ok ok his part. No wonder society readily accepts that men don’t have to be responsible for their actions when there are so many women on here who agree*^

No one is saying men shouldn't be responsible for their actions though! They are saying you are both equally responsible. It's just as shitty for you to have unprotected sex knowing you actively wanted to have a baby with this man as for him to have unprotected sex knowing he didn't!

You are both to blame, unfortunately for you his argument makes more sense considering you've:
A) known each other 6 months
B) don't live together and an hour apart
C) both have existing children

And D) don't seem to be able to communicate with one another.

Why would you bring another child into the equation??

No wonder society readily accepts that men don’t have to be responsible for their actions when there are so many women on here who agree

Society expects both men and women to be responsible for their actions.

Both of you were responsible for yours.

But as men cannot grow babies inside their bodies and you know this, you also knew there was a huge chance you'd be left regretting your irresponsibility more.

And you question was answered by many, way back at the start of the thread.

So I’m testing him am I? For what purpose exactly? Or am I trying to baby trap him?
Given that I’ve already said I’m not having the baby I wouldn’t agree that either of those are true.
What an overwhelming supportive response from women I have on here who are basically and some outright saying it’s my own fault. And he’s a great guy and someone actually applauding him 🙄 I hope none of you are raising sons or daughters for that matter. Yes my age makes me stupid as I’m not a teenager and should have known better. But he’s also a grown man. I’m confused as to why he’s being viewed to have done nothing wrong

That’s the side of the story from OP, her first post implied that was a conversation from the if it happens in a break down of contraception, which has since changed to she wasn’t using any and now quite liked the idea of a baby. I’d be interested to hear if he genuinely knew she wasn’t using any contraception.

However, that wasn’t her question, the question was weather not ditching his existing kids to come and stay with her and kids he’s never meet was unreasonable. I don’t think he is unreasonable to say no to this.

So you’ve only been with him for 6 months, yet you already had the conversation about wanting a baby girl together…ok 🤔

He is being honest.

The truth is always better than a lie, even if we don’t like it.

Would you rather he lied and then left you at 9 months pregnant?

He doesn’t want a baby and you do.

You need to decide what you want more - him or a baby.
If you want him, then you need to get contraception sorted because you know he doesn’t want a baby.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s ok for him to have done this. It’s not ok. Especially since your clarification about more specific pregnancy discussions. He’s a shit. But, we are mostly saying it was highly predictable that he’d pedal back on it. You’re only 6 months in and men say this sort of thing to get sex all the time. None of that helps you now, I know it’s not helpful. But it was daft to believe someone when you’re so soon into the relationship, and he has kids miles away. I really hope you will be ok xx

That’s a totally different story to your OP. Plus surely whilst talking about this much wanted baby, you say so how would that work with our other children and the distance between our life’s etc.

I am raising both, and raising them both to be responsible for their own contraception.

Well said.

Okay OP so you want an answer to your question and want everyone to ignore the context.

Yes he is reasonable to consider his commitments to his existing children, and not change them in view of you having a baby. If that means he can't be around for your requested two weeks that is reasonable. His children don't just go away because you've had a baby.

You knowingly got pregnant to a man who not only doesn't live with you, but lives an hour away, has existing children and has them 50/50.

For women who have existing children, they also don't just disappear so we can recover from birth.

I had a C-section and it was scheduled while my existing children were with me, on "my time" not their dads.

I still kept my commitments as a mother to them. Babies Dad was a fat lot of help so I had help from friends, neighbours, school mums and whoever else could offer it.

He's not wrong to be honest at tell you that he won't be changing his commitments as a Dad to his other children to be with you and baby for two weeks.

It’s not a different story. It’s just added details

regardless knowingly having unprotected with someone is a shitty thing to do and I am baffled by everyone thinking it is ok ok his part. No wonder society readily accepts that men don’t have to be responsible for their actions when there are so many women on here who agree
No one is saying it is ok for him to have unprotected sex. You are just deflecting because you made a dumb choice in deciding to have a baby with someone you barely know.
You keep saying that he is wrong for having unprotected sex with you but it was clearly a mutual decision to not use contraception. I doubt anyone is thinking it's ok on either of your parts.
I also don't see anyone saying men shouldn't be responsible for their actions. Of course they should but the reality is that they are able to walk away if they choose. Something we are all very aware of and something that should reinforce the importance of taking responsibility for our own protection. It is especially important when we have other children who rely on us.
To be clear, I have NO sympathy for men who are too stupid to use contraception because the buck stops with the man. He can use a condom or choose not to but he doesn't get to complain if he chooses the latter 🤷‍♀️

and why wouldn't we.. ???

SHE IS 'majority responsible' . I'm sorry but men can't get pregnant. They don't get pregnancy related illnesses.. they don't give birth or have post birth trauma, they never die giving birth . Men never take a financial hit due to pregnancy... ALL of which are possible outcomes to pregnancy and ALL of which have a negative impact on OPs existing children.

The only effect a man faces with pregnancy is a financial obligation to pay maintenance - but with existing children (his) this would be negligible..

So yes . OP is 'majority responsible' for poor decision making with regard to her other children.

All of the above are issues for any woman contemplating pregnancy but with a solid, long term relationship there is support, both financially and emotionally to support her through these potential issues.

I think people have become confused about your original question and missed the post where you said you weren't continuing with the pregnancy. I think I did too.

To answer if his reply regarding the hypothetical question of post-birth care was crap then, yes it was, of course he should step up & help out with a baby he helped to create.

But I think possibly the answers he originally gave you around having a child were rooted in a more distant future than six months in. The sudden reality of it now has changed his view hence the backpedaling.

That doesn't mean, though, that in a couple of years time when you are more fully established as a couple that he wouldn't be completely there for you.

Then also raise them to not go back on their word. If your daughter ever ends up in a position where she’s pregnant and the guy doesn’t want to support her yet he was the one who originally was happy with having a baby, then I would hope your response to her isn’t you should have known better and basically shouldn’t have believed him. Yes I was stupid to do this so early but sometimes people are naive. I understand people berating me for that so some extent. But to absolve him completely like a lot of you have done is madness to me. I accept we are both responsible for making a baby. But I do not accept that he’s a good man because he doesn’t want to step up and support his child if I decided to have it

Then also raise them to not go back on their word.

I'm pretty sure most parents raise their children to not go back on their word?

You make it sound as though you think there's some sort of guarantee in life, that no-one ever will?

The whole thing is a bit of a mess OP. If he said that he wanted unprotected sex and, should pregnancy result, he would step up then completely went back on that then he is definitely not a man that you are likely to have a successful long term relationship with.

However I am struggling a bit with the fact that you hadn't even introduced him to your children and were prepared to take the risk of becoming pregnant. How did you envisage that playing out? Were you planning on introducing him and at the same time telling them that you were having a baby.

I think you've both been pretty irresponsible to be honest and it seems to me that you've both put what you wanted over and above the interests of your existing children. Having said that if, he told you that he actually wanted a baby with you, then I do understand why you feel as you do. It can't be nice to be in the position you're in and I do feel sympathy for you.

You both sound incredibly immature and careless. Even thinking about bringing a child into such a new relationship where there are already children involved is ridiculous.

What about them? Any thoughts from either of you about how a new baby in a brand new and insecure relationship impacts them? Really really stupid.

Initially it sounded like this was an accidental pregnancy which happens and there would be zero judgment from me whatever you decided to do.

But actually that's not what happened at all and you've deliberately not used contraception.

Yes it does sound like he's gone back on what he said before you got pregnant and that's shit but why the fuck would you trust someone you barely know to make such a huge decision with?

You have been stupid, completely stupid, to believe a man you have only known 6 months with regards to something as huge and life changing as bringing a child into the world. Of course he was in the wrong to go back on his word, but how stupid to believe a man you haven’t had time to get to know yet and who you are not in a committed relationship with. Why would you want a baby with someone before you’ve even committed in smaller ways such as living together? Even if he was willing to step up realistically how would you bring up a baby when you live an hour apart and both have responsibility for other children? Of course his existing children are going to take priority, if he has them 50/50 how was he going to commit to a new baby?

Get rid of the pregnancy and get rid of the man. Focus on yourself and why you have been so naive, so stupid and so trusting before you even think about entering another relationship.

People lie. Living in the world as a woman is about taking care of yourself and not blindly trusting some dude, even though he says what you want to hear.

Of course there’s no guarantee. But I’m saying that doesn’t make it ok. The vast majority here view this as my fault. Yet don’t seem to have an issue with the fact that he has changed his mind now that it’s happened.

There was no need to tell me he wanted a baby if he actually didn’t. I could have quite easily gone onto different contraception. I haven’t had any accidental pregnancies because I do usually take care of my own contraception. So irrelevant of my poor decision making, I’m baffled as to why this is peoples view as this wasn’t an ‘accident’ on either of our parts really. A mistake definitely. But the fact that it’s still the woman’s fault is mad to me.

and the guy doesn’t want to support her yet he was the one who originally was happy with having a baby, then I would hope your response to her isn’t you should have known better and basically shouldn’t have believed him.

You’ve only been together 6 months, you barely know each other.

It was ridiculous for you to be even having a conversation about having a baby with someone you hadn’t even known for 6 months.

He was an idiot for lying but you was an idiot for believing a man you barely knew.

I would absolutely be telling my daughter not to be even having the conversation about children with a man she barely knows and any man or woman who says they want a baby within less than 6 months is a massive red flag and she should run for the hills.

Were you actively trying for a baby? Because the OP reads like it's an accidental pregnancy, but then throughout the thread you mention that you actively came off the pill, wanted to get pregnant, and he told you he wanted you to get pregnant. Were you taking any precautions at all? Was he pulling out? Sorry I'm just a bit confused by it all!

I don't think you should be surprised that a man you've been with for 6 months isn't over the moon about a pregnancy, especially given you both have kids from previous relationships to whom you haven't been introduced. I also don't think he's being unreasonable to say that he cannot be there to support you during the time that he is committed to looking after his other children.

I do think he's been unreasonable to try for a baby with you (if that's what happened?) and then say he'd rather you didn't have it.

I'm speaking as someone who did have an accidental pregnancy after 6 months (I was on the pill but we lost it). We tried for another and later got married. I don't think the timing is really the issue, it's just that neither of you seem to have really thought through the practicalities of it and now it's hitting home!

I would be telling my DD that she was incredibly stupid to get herself in this position regardless of what the bloke said. I’d also be telling her that now she’s in the position her unborn child doesn’t come before existing children and commitments and that I’m amazed she didn’t think have a long term blended relationship or at the very least discussed the actual realities of them before stopping her contraception and having unprotected sex. Yes she’s would be the pregnant one.

If my DS was in this position, I’d be telling him he was an idiot as well. I’d ask him why he didn’t think about his existing kids before waving his knob about BUT I’d also be telling him his priority would be his existing children that are already her and he can’t just dump them because of where he now his.

Just to add, id be far far more sympathetic to the situation if it was a genuine contraception failure, not some fairy tale, we wanted a baby situation.