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Original poster

Boyfriends response to pregnancy- AIBU?

210 replies

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 10:56

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 11:42

LizFromMotherland · 15/09/2024 11:32

To be clear I was asking whether my question to him was unreasonable

No, but nor was his honest answer. Better her's honest at this stage instead of telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

I’m saying I’m annoyed as instead of saying all this to me before he’s led me to believe that he’d be there and be supportive if it happened

You're well aware that when something is hypothetical, a person's thoughts can be completely different to when it actually happens.

so I think he should instead have said something along the lines of we are absolutely not ready to have a baby so no sex until we’ve sorted out contraception.

You're not a 14 year old girl. NO-ONE should have to tell you, you need to sort out contraception before you have sex.

Show quote history

As I said I know I should have also said the same thing so I don’t need judgement when I have already acknowledged that. I should have known better so yes again I’m an idiot. But to me it’s not ok to go ahead and have sex with someone not only knowing the consequences, but saying you’re ok with that and would support me but then changing your mind when it happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 11:44

LizFromMotherland · 15/09/2024 11:33

Forgot to add...

But I am questioning whether this a huge red flag for him as I feel he’s under the impression that we will carry on as we were before

I've a feeling he's thinking the exact opposite.

And no he’s not. He does want to continue the relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 11:49

TinyYellow · 15/09/2024 11:39

I wouldn’t see commitment to his existing children as a red flag about him as a person, but it might be an indicator that you want different things long term.

He did no more to cause this situation than you did and deserves no more blame for it than you do. If you know it’s not the right time for either of you, and you both made the same mistake, why wouldn’t you carry on the relationship as before?

I disagree. Yes we both had sex knowing what could happen so we technically are both to blame. But we had spoken about that beforehand and he was happy with the potential consequence and thought we would be good if it did happen.
if we had been together for years and I posted this, I don’t think it would be seen as ok on his side that he’s now changed his mind. The fact that it’s way too early is not what I’m trying to focus on as I can say a million times I am aware and should have known better. But I don’t think that a short time being together should excuse someone from being misleading.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/09/2024 11:51

So he promised that he would "step up" if necessary & on those grounds you have been having unprotected sex?

Even though you barely know each other & both have kids.

Why?

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 11:55

Surely there is a big difference between stepping up if something happens and continuing to have unprotected sex knowing that as you both have already had children, you are likely to be fertile and you will conceive.

Stepping up is what happens if there is an accidental pregnancy that you were trying to avoid. Whereas you sound as if you were trying to conceive.

Pyjamatimenow · 15/09/2024 11:57

Start as he means to go on why doesn’t he? Look at least he’s showing you now he’s going to be crap

LizFromMotherland · 15/09/2024 11:58

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 11:42

As I said I know I should have also said the same thing so I don’t need judgement when I have already acknowledged that. I should have known better so yes again I’m an idiot. But to me it’s not ok to go ahead and have sex with someone not only knowing the consequences, but saying you’re ok with that and would support me but then changing your mind when it happens.

Show quote history

But to me it’s not ok to go ahead and have sex with someone not only knowing the consequences, but saying you’re ok with that and would support me but then changing your mind when it happens.

But as an adult woman, you knew there was every chance this possibility would arise.

It's your body and your pregnancy, therefore the only person you can rely on is you.

Which is exactly why we take responsibility for our own contraception.

GrimDamnFanjo · 15/09/2024 11:58

In your next relationship please discuss and use contraception before having success.
Although looking at the positives, you've dodged a bullet as he's shown you who he is pretty early into the relationship.

GrimDamnFanjo · 15/09/2024 11:58

GrimDamnFanjo · 15/09/2024 11:58

In your next relationship please discuss and use contraception before having success.
Although looking at the positives, you've dodged a bullet as he's shown you who he is pretty early into the relationship.

Sex ffs not success!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/09/2024 12:03

so I think he should instead have said something along the lines of we are absolutely not ready to have a baby so no sex until we’ve sorted out contraception.

I think the percentage of men who would be honest enough to say that when there's a prospect of them not having to use condoms are very few and far between, sadly. And most of the ones who are responsible and honest are already married.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 15/09/2024 12:05

so I think he should instead have said something along the lines of we are absolutely not ready to have a baby so no sex until we’ve sorted out contraception.
If a man I'd been dating for a couple of months had said this to me it would be a giant red flag to run. This is a given for any couple that's only been together a few months is ready to have a baby, let alone adding your situations into it. You're both adults with kids, commited to living in different areas who have been long distance dating for 7 months, why would this ever need to be said?

Canadianmaple · 15/09/2024 12:09

It is really understandable for you to feel let down and that he has gone back on his word, and to be sad that he would not prioritise you above his kids…. but most people would think that 6 months is a blink of an eye in terms of getting to know someone, very few people would choose these days to marry or have a baby with someone they have only known such a short time. I am still not sure as to your motivations with taking such a risk when you have your own children to support, did you think this relationship was more solid then it has proved to be?

OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 12:09

I think you both need to put your existing children first for a while.

bigethdicketh · 15/09/2024 12:10

yh my 3rd childs dad was thi sam, promisd thi world and thin is no wirr to b siin x

Talipesmum · 15/09/2024 12:10

Your request to him of 2 weeks with you after birth wasn’t unreasonable, no. But he’s not wholly unreasonable to say that he might not be able to do that as he has 2 other children he sees regularly. It’s not just the logistics, and he may have been away on holiday for 2 weeks without them before, but that doesn’t feel the same to his existing children as “I’ve got a new baby so I can’t see you”.

He’s now starting to picture the reality of having two sets of children in different locations. The reality is that he would have to split his time between the two if he steps up properly, and it may well feel unsatisfactory to both of those sides.

Itiswhysofew · 15/09/2024 12:13

You were not unreasonable to ask for his time to help you afterwards. His reaction is awful, as he could have made it work if he wanted to.

I hope everything goes well for you.

HeddaGarbled · 15/09/2024 12:15

he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby

He’s right. He sounds like a good guy.

Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 12:15

LizFromMotherland · 15/09/2024 11:58

But to me it’s not ok to go ahead and have sex with someone not only knowing the consequences, but saying you’re ok with that and would support me but then changing your mind when it happens.

But as an adult woman, you knew there was every chance this possibility would arise.

It's your body and your pregnancy, therefore the only person you can rely on is you.

Which is exactly why we take responsibility for our own contraception.

Show quote history

Yes I was aware a baby could happen. We spoke about it. But I guess I stupidly didn’t think his views would change so quickly.

I would like to hope that if you were with the right partner that person would be someone you can rely on, otherwise that’s quite a sad reality of life.

In this case yes it was far too early then to expect that from him and I completely got our relationship wrong. But on the flip side I know men who have stepped up in a short time frame and also relationships that have lasted when things like this have happened early on.

as two adults choosing to have unprotected sex I would hope that both are willing to accept the consequences. But the consensus appears to be that it’s my own fault for allowing it to happen and I should have known better regardless of what he said to me. So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable because it’s my own stupidity?

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 15/09/2024 12:17

Edit: cross posted and OP answered my question.

LizFromMotherland · 15/09/2024 12:21

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 12:15

Yes I was aware a baby could happen. We spoke about it. But I guess I stupidly didn’t think his views would change so quickly.

I would like to hope that if you were with the right partner that person would be someone you can rely on, otherwise that’s quite a sad reality of life.

In this case yes it was far too early then to expect that from him and I completely got our relationship wrong. But on the flip side I know men who have stepped up in a short time frame and also relationships that have lasted when things like this have happened early on.

as two adults choosing to have unprotected sex I would hope that both are willing to accept the consequences. But the consensus appears to be that it’s my own fault for allowing it to happen and I should have known better regardless of what he said to me. So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable because it’s my own stupidity?

Show quote history

But the consensus appears to be that it’s my own fault for allowing it to happen and I should have known better regardless of what he said to me. So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable because it’s my own stupidity?

Anyone - man, woman or dog can basically do that.

Which again, is why we take full responsibility for our own bodies.

TinyYellow · 15/09/2024 12:22

Only you will know the answer to this, but are you sure that when he was giving you the impression that he would be supportive if you got pregnant, that you were really both on the same page?

These conversations are often not very direct and then it’s easy for people to participate in the same conversation and have different ideas of what was agreed. He might well believe that he would be supportive because he would pay maintenance willingly and see the new baby around his existing children. Whereas you’re thinking that supportive means him moving in with you and caring for your older children for two weeks after the birth and probably want more involvement than he can realistically give when he lives so far away and has older children.

Unfortunately I think some men also believe they are being supportive if they are gracious enough not to have a negative reaction to a woman wanting a termination.

BossyWasps · 15/09/2024 12:23

Bigearringsbigsmile · 15/09/2024 11:16

Terminate and move on.
Why on earth would even consider keeping a child in these circumstances?

You not a youngster who had no idea- you've done it before, you know how hard it is. Just madness.

I agree 100% with this - it is madness!

It will end up a horrible mess for all of you.. him, and the other children of you both but particularly you OP.

Contraception is a thing, it’s been around for decades 🤷‍♀️

And before any one comes at me, in 1980, (aged 16, almost 17 ) I definitely didn’t want a baby… so I went to the GP and got the pill. No way was a baby spoiling my life at that time. It wasn’t difficult…tiny bit embarrassing, but I needed to know I was in charge of my life.

I am always amazed at women saying “OMG! how did this happen?”

mellowfell · 15/09/2024 12:23

He's telling you who he is and I wouldn't bring a baby in these circumstances as it's not fair on your current kids and won't be fair for the baby too. Give your head a wobble and cut your losses with this man. Even if he came to stay for two weeks, he still wouldn't committed in being a full time partner/parent due to the set up. Stop getting involved in these situations and concentrate on your current kids.

OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 12:24

WhatIsLife24 · 15/09/2024 12:15

Yes I was aware a baby could happen. We spoke about it. But I guess I stupidly didn’t think his views would change so quickly.

I would like to hope that if you were with the right partner that person would be someone you can rely on, otherwise that’s quite a sad reality of life.

In this case yes it was far too early then to expect that from him and I completely got our relationship wrong. But on the flip side I know men who have stepped up in a short time frame and also relationships that have lasted when things like this have happened early on.

as two adults choosing to have unprotected sex I would hope that both are willing to accept the consequences. But the consensus appears to be that it’s my own fault for allowing it to happen and I should have known better regardless of what he said to me. So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable because it’s my own stupidity?

Show quote history

It's not fair but the reality is women are the ones who bear children and can't just walk away from a pregnancy like a man can.

You're not a teenager, you know this so, yes, unfair as it is, you needed to take a bit more responsibility.

BossyWasps · 15/09/2024 12:25

OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 12:24

It's not fair but the reality is women are the ones who bear children and can't just walk away from a pregnancy like a man can.

You're not a teenager, you know this so, yes, unfair as it is, you needed to take a bit more responsibility.

Show quote history

This…again and again…