Boyfriends response to pregnancy- AIBU?

[WhatIsLife24]

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

Your request was not unreasonable but it was very unlikely he was ever going to step up. You've only been together 6 months, you live an hour apart and he already has children who haven't even met you.

However, you know where you are in his priority list now - firmly below everything else. Dump him and make your decision on your own terms.

Manage your own contraception in future, don't believe the old tosh they come out with.

I am a huge believer in considering the needs of born children over unborn children in a scenario such as this. Your DP is doing that and I applaud him for it.

What he may or may not have said about supporting you if you fell pregnant carries less weight when you are talking about a 6 month pregnancy. You are basically accusing him of being dishonest but I think you were clearly dishonest with him too - was he aware that actually you were quite keen on an accidental pregnancy?

Exactly.

As a woman I've had sex in one night stands and LTRs and everything in between, and I ALWAYS was in control of my fertility and never sought a man's input. Getting pregnant with someone after a mere six months would have been unthinkable; it certainly would not have been a topic of conversation.

The one time I did accidentally become pregnant (in the olden days using a diaphragm) I terminated without consulting him, and we'd been together two years.

Having children is not the way to lock in a relationship.

In the very kindest way possible, you are responsible for this. You were having conversations about children and unprotected sex with someone you haven't even met the children of, who you've been seeing for half a year.

Men can say and do what they like, they're not the ones who get pregnant and have to deal with physical consequences, that is unfortunate and it is biology.

You were having unprotected sex? I think you've bigger things to think about than his reaction.

Why should he spend 2weeks with you when he doesnt want the baby? Its cruel, but true.

Particularly as he knew that you weren’t using contraception, due to side effects and he wasn’t prepared to try any other form of contraception.What did he expect, was going to happen.

We have a winner. Im sorry but this man has let you know exactly what kind of man he is. Above is great advice, he will not “change’ and it wont get any better either.

It’s good that he’s being crystal clear - he wants to shag you for a while longer but won’t be available for emergencies and the baby. He does not see your baby as equal to the older children and he will not help you for this reason. If you’re going ahead with things then he’s saying, don’t expect practical help.
Of course it’s not fair on your child but he’s being crystal clear that you can expect nothing from him and he is being reasonable because you have time to make realistic decisions about what to do eg move house to where you have people who can help.
Your question was unrealistic. You know that he’s flaky and if you’re not together then he will not want to take the financial hit of paternity. Flaky men like this would rather you have an abortion or moved away so that he didn’t have to tell his older kids- out of sight, out of mind and all that.

Having babies with ‘boyfriends’ is ill advised at the best of times. Lots of women for some reason think that getting pregnant is going to seal the deal for them in getting a guy to commit. The opposite is usually true. You really should have been more realistic. DH and I had kids each when we met. We were married four years before I even contemplated having a baby with him. You need to think about if you can cope with this on your own because he’s not interested

He knew that no contraception was being used, due to OP experiencing side effects, but chose not to use a condom, or use any other form of contraception.This is a month relationship, not a 6 month pregnancy.

Well then don’t tell a woman you want her to have your baby, get her pregnant and then tell her actually I don’t want it. I would say that’s cruel.
But instead yes why should I expect a father to spend time with their child, ridiculous expectation clearly

I'm sorry you've found yourself in a difficult situation, OP. This part of one of your posts stood out to me: "So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable." I am honestly shocked that you don't know the answer to this is yes. The fallout from a pregnancy is NEVER something they have to deal with. Whether they want a baby or stick around to help raise it or not, it's not their hormones, brain and body that is changed for life. And, in the UK at least, the expectations for raising said child 'correctly' and for the doing the ceaseless mundanity to everyday life will never fall to the man.

I think it's also possible you're viewing his earlier comments through rose tinted glasses. Even when this was a hypothetical situation, he said it would be a struggle. You only heard the last part about him stepping up. (Let's face it, who among us would honestly say to our new partner, 'hell no, I'll leave you in the lurch"?) Now that it's a reality, he's possibly thought through the practicalities in slightly more detail and the struggle he highlighted before is actually way more daunting in practice. Him telling you he won't be there for 2 weeks post birth is telling you all you need to know. Listen to him this time.

"So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable because it’s my own stupidity?"

Men generally do say whatever they like. Unless you've lived a very sheltered life you must surely know they speak with their dicks. They don't get pregnant, they don't run the risk of dying in childbirth and they don't usually take the lion's share of responsibility for their kids (if any at all). I can't believe you had unprotected sex with (basically) a virtual stranger and thought he'd be delighted you got pregnant especially when you've both already got kids and baggage.

This OP. He lied. Sorry.
The decision is yours now. Do you want to be a single parent?

It's not wrong of you to expect help, if he was to be an involved parent. But he's clearly stated that he wants nothing to do with the baby.

Also this isn't judgement, just a biological fact. We women bear the brunt of babies and childbirth. Men do 30 seconds of work. And they can change their minds at any damn time, because they're not saddled with a physical, live human being attached to them.

Even women who did everything 'right', married, etc can find themselves with a 360 personality changed husband post pregnancy. Abuse etc also escalates during this time. So you shouldn't feel guilty at finding yourself in this situation despite what people on here say.

You can force someone to pay for their child. You can't force them to parent, or to give a shit. That's the sad reality.

Edit : just read you have kids already. Please realise that you should be putting them first.

@BellesAndGraces I meant to say, it’s a 6 month relationship, not a 6 month pregnancy.

So did you have unprotected sex more than once? It’s unusual for two adults who are already parents to engage in unprotected sex without actively wanting to conceive (unless a very drunken one off?). Did he think you were on the pill?

OP can i just say i am not berating you. I totally see how you can be blindsided by this stuff I almost was myself. My ex would have said anything to hoover me in - babies, marriage the lot. Stuff i didnt think i wanted but he made me feel i did an i got discarded. I didnt read the signs, I wanted to believe him. He told me not to go on the pill cos an ex did and it caused her weightgain and mood swings but i was adamant i was going on it. I should have used logic over love but its easy to get sucked in.

Anyway he has shown you he prioritises his life over yours and over the unborn baby. You know he wants you to terminate and I thik you want that too but walk away from him now before you get hurt worse down the line.

I agree OP that he should not have had unprotected sex when clearly he was not ready for the consequences, no matter what he said. He has been at best very stupid and thoughtless. You seem to have decided what to do and I am glad you will not be risking your health and your financial security to have a baby whose father is an arsehole.

He did NOT say he wanted you to have his baby but interestingly you've finally admitted.... "I guess after speaking to him part of me wanted to have a baby with him."

You've known him 5 minutes, he lives an hour away, you both have children of your own and YOU decided you wanted a baby.

Now you're pregnant, you're angry that he doesn't, and you're trying to convince yourself he said "I want you to have my baby".

Look, whatever you decide to do with the pregnancy, you need to plan to do it alone.

Get your head used to that thought and realise you're BOTH responsible for the situation you're in.

..he’s led me to believe that he’d be there and be supportive if it happened
LOL, of course he did. It's not like he'd be truthful and risk not getting any? Running with that and deciding to forgo the contraception was pretty stupid, you've got to admit?

But the consensus appears to be that it’s my own fault for allowing it to happen and I should have known better regardless of what he said to me. So men can basically do and say whatever they like and not be accountable because it’s my own stupidity?
More like...THIS is why it is important to take control of our own bodies and our own contraception. Wouldn't you agree?
And, yes, you should have known better.
You are using words said by what is pretty much a stranger, to justify your decision to get pregnant.
He is putting his existing children first and perhaps it's time you did the same 🤷‍♀️

No he didn’t.He knew no contraceptive was being used, due to op experiencing side effects.He chose not to use a condom.
*Read the update from op.

He does not want the baby and has made that sparkling clear. Yes, it is unfortunate if you did discuss what might happen in that event. But clearly it wasnt planned and the reality has set in.
I think it sounds like this isn't the right time, or indeed if ever there is one, to have a child with him. Of course it's your decision ultimately but he does not want to be supportive in reality should you choose to go ahead.
If I were you I'd not want to continue.

What a fucking dickhead.

He's immoral.

In future I would be way more cautious about risking pregnancy with a man I'd been seeing for 6 months, not living together, kids from previous relationships, not even introduced or blended yet, not married etc.

He's a absolute wanker (that's a nice way of putting it) but unfortunately - since we were are ones having to have a termination or literally left holding the baby; we are the ones who have to be as cautious abd skeptical as possible.

Well then don’t tell a woman you want her to have your baby, - He actually said that to you?

Your OP says something a little different. But your subsequent posts you’re basically admitting you wanted to get pregnant vs what happens if we have an accident?

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong other than like you be irresponsible with contraception. He’s been honest when it came to it that he’s not in a lance to have a baby with you and is considering his other children. I think you’ve got all carried away with new love hormones and decided a joint baby would somehow cement this very new relationship.

Its a bad idea, neither of you are ready.