Boyfriends response to pregnancy- AIBU?

[WhatIsLife24]

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for 6 months and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (let’s leave the judgement about how early that is and the mess that it’s created as I’m well aware)
As the background: we live nearly an hour away from each other and we both have children from previous relationships, and we’re not even at the point of introducing each other to our kids yet.
He’s always said it would be a struggle if it happened but he’d step up and support me as he’s 100% sure about us.

Since it’s happened he’s changed his tune and doesn’t want to go through with it. (Probably the best option) but I am annoyed that’s he’s allowed me to get into this position and then changed his mind, and also annoyed at myself for letting it get to this.
He said it’s my decision if I do have it, however when I stated in terms of support the bare minimum I would need is his help after coming out of hospital as due to my medical history I would have to have a c section. So I asked if he could spend 2 weeks with me whilst I recover as I thought men got 2 weeks paternity anyway. This was just hypothetical if I did have it. Anyway he said he would want to but couldn’t do that because of his other kids as he has them 50% of the time and it wouldn’t be fair on them to not see them, or fair on the kids mum to expect her to change work hours etc just because he’s had another baby. So was my question unreasonable?! I feel a bit pissed off as I don’t feel like I’m asking that much in the grand scheme of things as I’m sure he’s been on holiday for 2 weeks before without his kids and I’m only saying as a one off. I fully understand after those 2 weeks he wouldn’t be here much at all. But maybe it’s my hormones and I am in the wrong?
I suppose his response answers everything I need to know about the pregnancy but I’m now questioning him as a partner in general.

No one is saying the man is in the right here, but everyone is correctly pointing out that women need to take responsibility over their own reproduction.

Well Op was doing & she was also OK with having a baby.

He was wrong to tell her that he would step up but I think a lot of us are finding it strange that she would even entertain the idea.

OP's very first post in the thread says it's probably the best option to have a termination now, so I don't think she was doing or was okay with it.

OP's very first post in the thread says it's probably the best option to have a termination now, so I don't think she was doing or was okay with it.

I thought that that was because he had changed his mind about "stepping up".

Saying he would step up if the worst happened is very different to wanting / planning a baby.
It’s really hard to see where your head was at with this. You hadn’t even met each others’ existing children and you set out to get pregnant? It seems bizarre after 6 months to choose to have sex with no contraception. What is so difficult about him wearing a condom? It really does read like you wanted this baby. Then you are surprised that he (sensibly) is not thrilled by this baby.

But I do feel it’s slightly unfair that the response is mainly why did YOU allow this to happen as in a nutshell he’s a guy so what did you expect. I absolutely do not expect a man to mislead me to get me pregnant.

But even if he’d begged you to get pregnant with a baby that he absolutely wanted to be there for, this would still have been an awful idea. You need to see for yourself that having a baby now would be wrong. Naivety is not an excuse for disrupting four existing children’s lives, and genuinely wanting a baby at this stage wouldn’t be a good excuse for it either. Whatever he said to you, why would you want to bring a new child into the world because a man you’re still dating says he wants one? What about what you want? Why would you want a baby in such messy circumstances?

You willingly chose to give two sets of children who have never even met each other a shared sibling. You would have been happy for him to leave his own children to care for yours, and you’d be happy to have him caring for your children when he’s still a stranger to them. Your partner can only offer you half of the time he has left after presumably working, so isn’t available to be that supportive even if he wanted to be. There are so many reasons why neither of you should have allowed a pregnancy that him telling you he wanted you to have his baby girl at some possible time in the future is insignificant.

You’re getting stuck on what he said and seeing it as only being a problem because it wasn’t the truth. You need to recognise that even if it had been true, it would still have been bloody stupid.

I think you’re asking the wrong question and focusing on the wrong thing. You’re doing that as you’re angry as he’s not stepping up to the extent you wish.

the question is why om earth two grown ups with kids are having fully unprotected sex. No contraception with someone they barely know.

I don’t know what possessed the pair of you. But I’d focus on that idiocy.

I started reading this thread with the assumption it was an accidental pregnancy. A theoretical conversation over what happens if our birth control fails.

the two of you were trying to conceive. That is what it means to not use birth control. There is no middle ground.

this man is stating the reality that your children haven’t even met yet so he can’t meet both the needs of his existing children and a new child simultaneously. Should he have realized that? Absolutely. Should op have realized that? Absolutely.

he isn’t any more wrong on this situation than either of the adults who created it.

He does seem like a good guy, he’s a great father to his other kids from what I can tell and there has been no issues up until now which is part of the reason I’ve been so stupid as I genuinely thought I was secure with him despite it not being very long.
But to say he’d be ok with me getting pregnant and actually talking about it as something he wants and then backing out now it’s happened is confusing to me to match that with a good guy.

The problem is that you have no idea if he is a good guy or not. 6 months living an hour away from each other and he has other childcare commitments means that you've probably not even seen him for quite a bit of that time. Have you ever seen him with his children? Do you see him on the weeks he has them?

You put your trust in a stranger basically. One that, bizarrely, somehow convinced you that it was ok to get pregnant. Which means not only was his judgement off but so was yours.

I’m not a man, nor am I a pensioner or raised a man.

As l’m sure you’re aware this is an anonymous platform, people who are commenting, can be male and or a completely different generation to the original poster and that is my point.

of course but my point is my view point stands despite being none of your suspected demographics. Now I know that you have no proof of this, but equally I have no reason to lie.

This Is an anonymous platform, men and women comment, l don’t need to give you proof, as it’s obvious.My comment wasn’t to you it was to the original poster.I’m not asking for you to agree with this.This is my experience of Mumsnet.

Men say anything when they want to have sex, and especially not use condoms. But it’s you who would be left holding the baby, so it really was reckless on both your part to continue to have unprotected sex. Abortion shouldn’t be used as a contraception. Though I do think it’s the best thing right now. As hard as that might be, ultimately it’s likely he’s going to drop you in it and run off completely

The thing that really shocks me is that you think it’s acceptable to bring another baby into your kids lives by a man they haven’t even met?!!!!! I think your plan to trap this man to be your baby daddy has massively backfired

Well, as a single mum I'm well into sex but not into having another one with no financial help.

The choice is yours.

If you can deal with it all alone I'd say you are a stronger woman than me taking care of aging parents too, and a job.

Most men are selfish.

Then also raise them to not go back on their word. If your daughter ever ends up in a position where she’s pregnant and the guy doesn’t want to support her yet he was the one who originally was happy with having a baby, then I would hope your response to her isn’t you should have known better and basically shouldn’t have believed him
I raised mine to be responsible and respectful of themselves and others. This includes contraception. And this also covers not being stupid enough to try and have a baby with someone you barely know 🤷‍♀️

I’m baffled as to why this is peoples view as this wasn’t an ‘accident’ on either of our parts really. A mistake definitely. But the fact that it’s still the woman’s fault is mad to me
🙄
I'm pretty sure most people understand how a pregnancy happens so the two of you achieving one is not one persons fault.
People pointing out how stupid and irresponsible it is to actively try and have a baby with a man you've been with for 5 minutes is not saying it's "still the womans fault" for being pregnant. What he said was irrelevant. Yes, he's a tool but YOU decided to impact your childrens lives and your own based on the words of a newish boyfriend. That IS on you.

He's an arsehole who lied so he wouldn't have to use condoms. That's on him. The natural consequences of that would be him getting dumped.

You're a grown woman, barley know him, both have children and live in different places because of that and you somehow thought this was a good idea, that's on you. His behaviour is immaterial in the sense that the whole idea was ludicrous and even if he'd been supportive nothing would actually change, all the issues would still be there. Most people are concerned it didn't click with you that this was a bad idea. Even if he'd stepped up this would still be a bad idea. You are where you are now, its done, whatever you chose from here its damage limitation and trying to be ok with what's happened. If you do end up having a termination it might be worth seeing if the place you use has a counselling service. If you wanted this baby then you might find it hard dealing with a termination. If you do go forward with the pregnancy it has to be eyes open and expecting nothing from him. This is really hard and sad where you are now, I feel like either way you need to try and get some mental health support around this.

OP, by the way you describe this man, he may not be a shit. He may have been honest about envisioning having children with you... but I suspect his vision was for a later time, not 6 month into a long-distance relationship between 2 people who have recently met, are getting to know each other, fancy each other like mad and still have not got to the point of sorting how this relationship is going to work into the future.

He most likely was counting on seeing how this was going to work. Introduce you to each others' kids in a timely and convenient manner. Decide where you were going to live, whether one of you was going to move into the other's house, buy a home together or continue living separately. See if things work living together.

AND THEN have an adult, responsible talk about having your own children.

Instead, you have dropped a bomb. You falling pregnant basically days after he giddily told you he'd love to "have a little girl with you" right before starting lovemaking was most likely not in his plans, and honestly, wouldn't be in anyone's plans.

Yes, he was stupoid for not ensuring you used contraception. But you were the one with the most to lose, and you were the one who have admitted that planned this.

The minimum this situation would have required was honesty from BOTH parts. Not only him saying it would be wise to wait a bit longer... but for you to say that actually, yoiu'd love to fall pregnant RIGHT AWAY. Which you didn't.

Now you're pregnant, your boyfriend has probably panicked at the thought and the rush of it (to be honest, who wouldn't?) and you both have been put in the position of having to make life-changing decisions in a short period of time. Because of a hypothetical question you asked him in the middle of passion. Very mature.

Why on earth didn't you just wait a bit longer? It looked like a promising relationship, you both were sorting out your own situations, there was really no need to start trying for a baby RIGHT NOW, was it?

Yes, posters are implying you're the most reponsible for this mess because... well... you're the person most responsible for this mess. You are the one who basically was hoping to fall pregnant 6 months after starting a new relationship, when your children don't even know the person who you wanted to be the father of your next baby. You were planning to come home one day and tell your children: hey guys, I have news... I have a new boyfriend... and by the way, I am pregnant of your new brother/sister with him! Do you really think this was a good idea? With no plans to live together, no arrangements for the baby, no discussions between you of how this was going to work?

The majority of people aren't saying he did nothing wrong. He's an arsehole who mislead you because he didn't want to use a condom. If you'd been together longer and were living together and had that conversation and got pregnant that would be a totally different scenario, but that's not the case.

Expecting a grown woman who is a parent to be responsible for her actions and put her DC first when it comes to the things that will have a big impact on them doesn't mean we're men or supporting men. The answers are because of this specific messed up scenario and because there are children involved. It's perfectly reasonable to wonder WTF OP thought she was doing. If he'd stepped up it still wouldn't make getting pregnant a more reasonable decision.

If he'd stepped up it still wouldn't make getting pregnant a more reasonable decision.

Perfectly stated, @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

I can't believe the women on this thread who don't want to hold him accountable for his part in this! Men get away with this shit all the fekkin' time because too many women will not hold men accountable and this thread is a prime example. Yes, you both messed up, but he told you that he would stand by you and he didn't. As for continuing the relationship--why would you stay with a man who has proven to you that he will NOT be there for you when the chips are down? How much more proof do you need that he's a lying sack of shit unworthy of another second of your time?

That two supposed adults have acted this irresponsibly is so bloody depressing. Here’s a tip for you OP, if your relationship is so too early to introduce to existing children then it’s too early to surprise them with a sibling.

The level of naivety is astonishing. I’m guessing your attitude to contraception is probably on a par with your attitude to your sexual health I.e neither of you were tested.

Your fixation on his broken promise rather than your utter stupidity suggests that you really don’t get that you’ve been an absolute idiot.

I do hope you stay together, the dating gene pool really is better off without you two in it.

Totally agree. Depressingly this happens a lot! Selfish parents fcuking up their current kids and putting their own wants snd needs first. Grow up OP, terminate and read up in other forms of contraception

Posters are not letting the man away with it, that's not what is happening here.

Posters are pointing out that both of these adult parents have behaved irresponsibly to have taken the risk of getting pregnant together so early in a relationship when other children who haven't yet been introduced already exist.

It's just not a simple situation where everyone can get on side with the OP and berate the man for going back on what he said. Both of them are at fault here and that's what posters are saying.