I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

[Sirmeowsalot]

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

Have you tried to discuss this with him? I think it’s great to have hobbies, but he should be appreciative of you because hats the only reason he can do it.

Are you willing or do you want to come to some kids of compromise?

Find a coffee shop and sit awhile until you feel a bit calmer. You don't have to make any decisions today about what you want your future to look like but I suggest that you need to start formulating a plan. I would suggest that you go back home later because the kids might be worried. Your planning could start today though. Can you work? Do you own the house?

For tonight book yourself a Premier Inn or travel lodge and just take some time for yourself this weekend.

If you've been squirrelling away money it's unlikely the only issue

Go to a hotel for a couple of nights.

It will do him good to have to do the mental load type of work.

Then if you want to discuss with him the inequalities in your relationship - you can.

Agree with going to get a coffee and have a proper think.

Could this be sorted with just a proper conversation? Having hobbies is fine, but you need to have equal leisure time. So if he gets 6 hours a week for golf then you also get 6 hours a week for whatever you choose- whether you want to use your 6 hours Saturday afternoon, Sunday, or spread across a few mid week nights.

You need to take the kids with you. What if he uses this against you in future court proceedings?

Get something to eat, book a cheap but safe hotel and plenty of snacks, bunker down and turn your phone off, give yourself the weekend to decompress and then think about what you want your life to look like from next week onwards.
He has been incredibly selfish, you deserve this time off, don't feel guilty.

It's one night fgs. Don't be so dramatic they're his dc too.

No she doesn't. They are his children too. Leave the useless man to parent for a night.

Nonsense. But in this fictional world, I guess OP would respond with how he fucks off for a day most weekends, 'abandoning' his children.

Oh I totally agree with pp who suggest book yourself into a hotel. Don't contact him at all today. Let him sort the DC's and the home by himself.
This might be a wake up call for him to see how much his selfish behaviour is affecting you.
Then when you are ready to talk have the conversation with him that things have to change or else the separation will be permanent.

If this is the main issue (and it is a significant issue) why not sit down with a calendar and block out six months in advance the days he has for his hobbies and the days you have for yours. Keep it equal, but uncompromising.

I'd find yourself a cute little Airbnb somewhere quiet, put your feet up and relax with a book.

He can look after the kids. What's good for the goose...

Go and book a hotel for tonight. Take 24 hours to decompress.

You've been squirreling money away so this has obviously been on the horizon for a while.

Do you have any friends you can call on?

@Sirmeowsalot Make sure you are safe and take time to relax. Easier said than done because you will feel guilty about the children. They are his children too. They are safe and he needs to act like a parent to them.

Ignore any attempts he makes to contact you. You need the time for yourself.💐

Don’t be ridiculous. What sort of evidence is he going to present? “Your honour due to my wife’s one night abandonment I had to cancel my hobby and look after my own children. I implore you my lord to award me minimal contact time lest it interfere with my golfing.”

32 golf trips since January equates to golfing once a week, yet he moans he doesn’t get out often? Incredible!

I’d make it a priority to get yourself back into work, even if you do stay.

Take the night for yourself and really think about what you want. As for solutions maybe he should be the one coming up with a fair plan and timetable not the OP. I doubt he will though he’s happy with his current set up.

How old are the kids? Could you message one of them and explain you are taking some time out to decompress?

And does he have a game booked for tomorrow morning as well? Because if he does, expect increasingly impatient torrents of text - which you should ignore. He might just have to miss golf for once.

Kids are 12 and 3, I do all childcare/house stuff. Hes a brilliant dad when he’s with the kids, he just doesn’t ever have them without me saying ‘you need to have them’. He never makes any family plans just sorts his golf, football, darts games and socials.
All finances are joint and actually I generally look after the money side of things. The cash is what I’ve saved from selling stuff online, and is my rainy day fund incase of like today. I have zero family alive whereas he has older wealthy parents.
I am just so so fed up. I’ve tried talking with him a million times. We’ve been together 21 years and he won’t change. He’s nice to me but incredibly selfish and doesn’t ever ask how I am.

I'd take a hostel room for tonight. Start looking for short term rooms lets on spareroom.

He needs to see how hard it is to do all the childcare with no breaks.

Personally I wouldn't go back. I'd find a job, start earning, save enough to rent a small flat (1 bedroom and a livingroom should be enough for the kids on your 50% of the time or so for the moderate term future).

People will come out with 'leaving the kids' bs but so long as you work to find a place suitable for them to stay over asap at just like a single dad would, I don't see the problem.

Alternatively, go back and tell him to leave.

Just either way make it clear to the kids 'I love you and there's nothing to worry about, we're both just working to create some new homes right now so you might not see as both every day till we get it sorted'. Don't let them see you upset or stressed. If kids think you're handling things, they don't worry.

But he won’t , they often don’t. It would interfere with his golf.

Your first 2 lines contradict eachother.

Brilliant dads don't leave all the childcare and housework to their partners.

He's essentially a glorified house guest that they like because he's fun. That's not even a half decent father. He's shit.

Advice:

Go to a Travelodge for a night or two, get your head together. Take some space away from home to think, sleep and calm yourself down. Tell him what you're having to do, you'll be "back in a couple of days". Just so your kids aren't left confused and scared by you appearing to have left indefinitely. Don't contact him again or any mutual friends after that. If you've a good relationship with your mum (or one trusted mate who you confide in) let them know what's happening and vent your spleen.

Then go home in a day or so. Hug your kids, they'll have missed their mum. You have to take control of this situation and not just react. You've given an emotional response, in which case use it. You're out of the house now so you may as well. When you find a moment to calmly speak about the golf incident, mention how his selfishness upset you to the point of needing to be away from him to calm down.

You'll be telling the absolute truth. Hopefully you'll thrash out a compromise together and solve this little issue.

Best

What if the stupid man tells them
mum’s left them? They could be crying all night. Sorry op he’s a dick but you can’t do this like this!