I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

[Sirmeowsalot]

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

It's not really about leaving the kids. In his eyes it's the author who was unreasonable and who slammed the door out of nowhere after he commented about nice weather and lunch. What's the plan if he keeps silence (which is what likely to happen)?

Christ it's not abandoning them!

They're with their lovely dad.

He's he's off playing golf. She's off to a hotel. Same diffs.

His problem is ...he abandons all of them...a lot. It's like " boy" looking where they can't really think where a thing might be because they never put anything away. It's not because they're crap people but because they've never been involved,

If you’ve got 9-3 to yourself during your youngest child’s nursery days, can you tell him that you are taking his “hobby” hours back out of these days? So if he is due you ten hours a week to yourself, only two hours of nursery days will be spent on the house or life admin stuff. Obviously this means you will have to split household chores and tasks more fairly as a result.

Sounds to me like you spending a night in a hotel, texting to make it absolutely clear why, will give him the short sharp shock he needs.

Make it clear that either something changes or you will makes plans to make the split permanent.

This is a stupid ultimatum. This is likely threatening nuclear weapon.

Permanent split means downgrade houses, uphill for kids, stress of divorce for 1+ years, complications of having a stepmother for kids, even more loneliness, at least initially. And absolutely no guarantee that there will be a free evening a week for hobbies. Hardly a good deal.

Get him to take the kis to golf with him?
How old are they or at least the eldest?
My parents did this, I used to walk around the course with my dad and I loved it.Rode on the golf bag when tired.

I tried doing this and the house went to shit. I realised that "his" free time was all his and I was spending mine (which wasn't half as many hours a week) because I don't use childcare doing chores and admin. But he says it's my choice. Where do we go with men like this but leave like the OP?

Ideally I'd be a SAHM but he'd split leisure AND chores equally.

I don’t think he would take the kids with him. This is his time off, don’t you know. It doesn’t matter what the hobby is, this is his time he has marked off.

For those saying OP has 2 days to herself, I bet that time is filled with housework, life admin, errands and could easily become compromised. I bet if the kids are sick during his hobby time, he doesn’t stay at home. It’s about respecting each others time and thinking about what the other people want and feel.

Also to a pp, ‘civil service hours’ are just like everyone’s hours, we still work long days too you know.

User6874356 - You state "women can work and manage childcare", so I must ask you - if a woman can work and manage childcare, then why can't the OP's husband? Because it was for this very reason that OP had to get rid of her job.

You own 50% of the company. Good, that will be your bargaining chip.

I assume you are married. If not, you are in a very weak position.

Assuming you are married, speak to a divorce lawyer. You don't have to divorce but you ought to know your rights. Since you are squirrelling away money, good, continue to do that. Take photos of all evidence of bank statements and assets.

Keep all that up your sleeve. I hope you never have to use it but one day, it may come in very handy.

Women who work don't also manage childcare. They pay someone else to do it surely? Unless we're talking about pandemic work from home as nursery is closed arrangements?

Did you miss the bit where she said she's tried talking to him millions of times and he never changes.

I feel for you OP, you must be at the end of your tether to just walk out like that and I'll bet my bottom dollar that you can't even relax tonight for worrying about your DCs.

If you decide to stay with your husband, you are due 32 backdated hours of leisure time plus an agreed amount of time to yourself every week where he needs to pick up the household tasks and childcare.

I hope you're okay 💐

You’re letting these old biddies bait you into a guilty conscience, @Sirmeowsalot—
Stop it right now.
If it’s bothering you that much, call home and talk to your eldest - explain that you’re going to be away overnight, possibly two nights, but not to worry. If they ask why, explain that it’s just “Mum stuff,” something that you have to do.
Don’t let ANYBODY guilt you into going against your instincts.
Stand up for yourself. Be true to yourself.
Sending love. ❤️

Yes of course men can.

If however they won't then they need to be cut loose.

We are not controlling.

Pay for the babysitter then? Easy solution.

Go back so your children) family know you're ok and don't declare you missing

Wtf is wrong with some of you? I don't understand how you have children with/marry men yet can't communicate with them.

What a strange world.

I completely understand, @Sirmeowsalot.
I married a Navy pilot.
I was just as much in love with the “pilot” as I was with the man.
He was gone a great deal of the time.
When we had kids, I did the vast majority of the work — the housework, the child rearing, everything.
But when he came home, he sat at that fucking computer drinking scotch and was completely disassociated from everything around him. He didn’t help with the kids or with meals or pay attention to anything.
After ten years, I chose to check out.
We all deserve better.

Yes but settling for a DH that doesn't treat you well is also not a good deal.

He won’t unless he’s willing to step up and have custody of the kids! And if he’s willing to do that then he could save himself a lot of money and stay married by the sounds of it

I agree with spending a day or two on your own to think things over. Your life isn't very satisfactory at the moment. But would struggling as a hard up single parent be any better.

If you choose to stay in the marriage, you need to just take the time for yourself, as he takes the time for himself. He's had 32 golf days this year. You need to tell him, that's fine if it's fair, so you will now take 32 spa days/weekend courses/training/ weekends away with friends until you have had equivalent. You will not make any arrangements for food and entertaining the children. You will expect him to know what clubs/playdates they need ot be at, what food they will and won't eat, and none of this is in any way a punishment as he is not in any way punishing you when he makes these reasonable expectations of you either.

Smile and go and behave as he does, for as long as he does. No apology, no prepping his parenting time to make it easier for him. I found out after running myself into the ground with exhaustion that the only way to get what you want in a marriage is to take it, without permission. Been married now for 30 years and most of them happy - but the first 8 years of raising children were an eye opener into how clueless men are to the inequity of work and rest.

This and a proper open discussion about how u r feeling. Otherwise, resentment will grow. Take care OP

Imagine 'abandoning' your kids to their Father. Honestly, some of these ridiculous over emotional statements are unreal. The children will manage just fine for a night or two, whilst the OP gets some desperately needed space. People would think nothing of it if Dad was out for the night.

Can you explain briefly about the lack of childcare to cover working hours? I live in a small village and used the local nursery - 8am - 6pm - when they were preschool-aged, and then breakfast and after school clubs when they were at primary school.

Where are you that local childcare providers don't facilitate local residents having jobs?

Or do wraparound care and 8-6 nurseries exist locally to you, but you wanted to stick to 9-3? Did you and your other half discuss sharing pickup and dropoffs?