I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

[Sirmeowsalot]

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

I was a SAHM with little ones, OH worked very long hours in the summer including Saturday mornings. After that he was a family man, luckily we could share in his hobby.

This man needs to step up at weekends. The OP needs to carve out time for herself and stick to it.

Go book into a hotel for a few nights. Leave him to it. Do not feel guilty and let him manage the kids. If he can run a business he can manage to feed and entertain 2 kids.

ops dh may be unreasonable but you pretending that women can’t possibly manage on their own is a step too far. About 40% of families are single parents and we manage.

You're absolutely right, @User6874356, but when parents are together, they're "supposed" to work as a team and typically, both have to make compromises to make that family team work. It sounds as if the OP's DH expects her to make all the compromises. That's not how a team works.

If they split up, she'd obviously make her own arrangements as a single parent.

She needs to do this.

I don't think 6 hours a week is unreasonable for a hobby to be honest, especially when you get 12 hours a week to yourself when your youngest is at nursery.

If he's home at 2pm that still leaves a good chunk of Saturday and all of Sunday.

So if you know he won't change @Sirmeowsalot what are you going to do? If you divorce I'm sure you'd be OK for money but there's no way in Hell he'll be doing 50/50 childcare, your DC will end up spending more contact time with their DGM than their Dad. Don't rush into any decisions but draw your line in the sand, make sure he knows this is his one and only chance to go on sharing a home with his DC, maybe, just maybe, he'll see reason.

If you have two days in the week then I think you are being unreasonable

Two days where she has to work and does housework. ‘Squeezing in’ a hobby in that time is nowhere near the leisure time her DH has. Blaming OPs for the failings of their partners is getting really old on MN.

They are with their dad! Most blokes would make an nice excuse as to why mum had to go for the weekend.

If he can't spend a night without making it all dramatic then yes she totally should go.

One night won't make an ounce of difference to custody but will tell Op everything about her partners feeling in this realtionship.

I play golf as a single parent (female). None of my mates hang around because we’ve got other commitments, game of golf ✅, (I usually do nine holes), home within 2.5 hours including commute, unless I’m playing in some sort of match.

Lunch at the club, heck even drinks, entirely optional. There’s loads of time for a chat/social en route.

OP I think you need to not be so rash, be smart about this. Seek legal advice.

Tell him how many hours he spent at a hobby vs your 4 evenings out.

you are going to leave him. he won't change after 21 years you are just childcare and a housemaid to him. I was in similar position. plan your move wisely and get him to agree to co parent. you will then get time off. consult a solicitor. if his family has money he will probably offer you a settlement. good luck

Im lost , I thought people post to get different view points, otherwise why bother. . It is genuinely what I think.

Posters on here always talk about the woman having equal time when that isn't really the issue. Most women in this position want a partnership - a team - not two people who are out of the house with friends for several days a week. They want to be considered and to do things as a family.

In any case, the OP hasn't even been able to work because he's refused to allocate time to drop offs and pick ups.

Go home to your kids, and plan the leave sensibly. It's not OK to abandon them

This is what I would do. I wouldn't care if he thought I'd left him, but I would care about the children and their feelings.

She hasn't abandoned them. They are at home, with their own Father, that's not abandoned.

Come on!

Leaving children with their father is not "abandoning" them.

@User6874356 I can't see where what the op has written makes you think this, she hasn't acted as though she can't do anything without a man, she is annoyed because she's not being treated as an equal in her marriage and effectively is being forced into being SAHM when in reality she's half owner of a business and even got another job that she was unable to continue because her DH's work came first. There can be so many reasons this wouldn't work for them without the support of family/DH and whilst you are correct we can all pay for childcare, there are so many factors to consider, she might not want it, it may not be worth it when considering take home pay Vs childcare needs or it simply might not work for their lifestyle. We all have different commitments our after school club doesn't provide drop off to my kids sports and arts lessons or tutors, I would need a nanny to accommodate these (not basic provision) unless I took away their extra curricular stuff and extra studies and that's not an option to me. This isn't about not being able to work because she's a woman, it's about her husband not pulling his weight so her family don't bare the sacrifices of her having the same freedom. You may have worked as a single mother, wear that medal it's what you wanted, you may have paid for every bit of childcare yourself and that might be what was best for you and your kids, but women who can be around and do treat raising their kids as a full time job aren't less than you. Tell a childminder, carers and a teacher that raising kids isn't a full time job.

WHat good are those hours 'to yourself' to pursue a hobby/friendships/social life if there's no one to do things with during those daytime hours? Most adults work! Most clubs/socialising things are done in the evenings or at weekends.

ABandon them? She's having a break while they're with their father.

I wouldn't jump to any decision.

Things are away to change anyway as your three year old will soon be doing longer days.

But really I'd be looking at what you are doing, what is absolutely necessary and what can be done at different times.

I don't spend my day off cleaning. I'll do it until 10 then I am going for a walk, swim, run, meeting a friend etc.
I can run a cloth round the bathroom while a child is in the bath, hoover once they are home from school, do a quick mop after tea.

What I can't get back so easily is that time for myself.

Allocate the office work to an evening and tell your husband he is doing bed time.

Can you ringfence family time golf mustn't impinge upon? Are there times where him playing a round makes less difference because you are taking kids to activities, have something you want to watch on telly, have a friend popping round?

I think you all just need a reset in terms of how you do things. This clearly applies to him but I do wonder if it applies to you too? Your three year old isn't a baby and doesn't need the constant input of a baby. Do you need to rethink how you spend your free time too?

I can't see how divorce will help OP get more time for her hobbies. Divorce will get more stressfull life with less money, for everyone involved.

But what's the plan? She will need to go back there. £1k is not going to go far.
She hasn't left them literally alone but it can be scary for them. Mum's gone, no idea when she will be back. I have 2 kids, I can't put myself in her shoes.

Please don' tget this wrong I totally agree with you he should not be out every weekend.
I just wanted to say, my mother had a life like this, every sunday he was at the golf course, sometimes he took me with him.I would sit.on the trolley and be wheeled around.Could he take one or 2 of the kids with him?
Why does he do overnights?Is it weekends away?
My dad would have expected roast dinner on the table as well when he came back at 2pm.

Can you get back to work?
This would help you.
I really.hope you can find a solution.