I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

[Sirmeowsalot]

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

@Sirmeowsalot

Right now, just find yourself a safe place for the night. That's all for now. And your children will be fine. No child was 'ruined' because their mum was away overnight. I'm assuming he can keep them safe and fed. Right now that's all that is needed. Tomorrow will be time to think about the 'what ifs'.

Is there any way his parents would be sympathetic to you? I know if I'd turned up on my late iLs doorstep they would have taken me in 'no questions asked'. And if I'd told my late MiL about your 'division of labour' she'd have torn my DH a new arsehole.

But her husband clearly is not part of the team, so what is OP supposed to be doing? Did he not clock in she had to eave a god job after a month and hardly goes out and was clearly not bothered at all.

She said she’s not sure that she wants to leave.

And someone who genuinely wants to leave, plans it properly.

This seems much more of a cry for attention/ last ditch attempt to get him to listen to her.

She will most likely go home today or tomorrow and listen to his promises of making a change etc and then if he starts slipping back into his old ways she will then make a proper plan to leave.

She is getting to the end of her tether, she’s just not there yet because she wants to save the relationship still which is understandable.

The children are with their father and will be fine. People need to stop guilting the OP about taking time for herself.

Take them where?

But he does this all the time, so OP would just use the same argument. He's the children's other parent and should be able to take care of them.

I think you're wrong, she really wants to leave and this is it, the straw that brookes the camel's back.
Do you have statitics showing what do people who really want to leave do and what do people wh oonly want to leave a little bit do?
People react differently. Some plan for years and some just go.

Oh, another "brilliant dad".
☹️

OP says she’s tried to talk to him dozens of times and he doesn’t listen. And if he’s not prepared to listen, then yes, the problems are insurmountable. Leaving temporarily might just shock him into realising that he’s basically checked out of the marriage and his wife has had enough.

I got a good job at the start of the year (civil service) but had to quit after only a month as childcare/pick up/drop offs were bad for his jobs.

😬

I would have told him I wasn't quitting so he needed to step up.

He's an asshole though who makes you think his career is more important than yours.

Get out of there and live. Because you'll never get to if you stay with him.

Do you bank online? I'd be getting hold of some of the joint finances and stashing them PDQ...not enough that it could put you into trouble but enough to live on for a while.

It sounds like whatever you do, this will give him a kick up the backside. You need to ask him: if you left, and he had to take care of the kids some days without you, what would he do if the childcare was 'bad for his job' (it's bad for all our jobs! Most jobs operate under the assumption we have no dependents! Probably because men like him are making the rules!). He'd have to sort it (be that hiring more care or changing something about work) - if he sorted it without you leaving, so you had a more equal partnership, would you want to stay? Is couples counselling an option? Completely understandable if you're done, just worth thinking it through while you have some breathing space.

With all respect, you sound impulsive and also defeatist - which I am sure is the result of being let down by your husband consistently.

But leaving without a plan will just harm the children. Leaving a good job in the civil service is madness!

In your shoes, i would reassure 12yr old and take the night away for yourself. But you must go back and issue some sort of ultimatum that involves your dh agreeing to at least making things work so you can go back to work. Easier to leave and divorce when you have your own salary and career path.

I really do sympathise OP, you sound so fed up and ground down. But you need to take control of this situation!

Has he called you since you left? @Sirmeowsalot

I had a very similar situation with my ex husband. He had the big job and the big hobby. Me and our daughter came a very poor third, if at all. He sorted out his wonderful life of total freedom, left me with the grunt work and anything family related. Even had to give up retraining for a career due to lack of help with childcare although he had a lot of freedom with his schedule. I tried all the discussions, the nagging, left him once to shock him. Nothing changed.

I think these types see as the housekeeper/ childcare whilst they need downtime from their big important jobs. I totally understand your need to get away.

Perhaps take a couple of days away to figure out your way forward. Some legal advice would be a good start to see where you stand if you did split. I felt very empowered when I realized I could survive without him despite what he was saying to me to keep me in line.

Also a quick call to your eldest to let them know you're coming back but need some time to sort some things out. Daddy will take care of them and sibling in the meantime. Nothing to worry about.

My ex-husband was shocked into organising marriage counselling for us when he saw how serious I was. It was too late for me by then. In hindsight, he was a terrible husband and father, he was repeating his childhood, so was I (patriarchal, misogynistic, female underdogs) It's a very common set up. My now partner could not be more different. They are out there.

The advice to tell the kids you need time to sort things out is unnecessarily scary to them. The OP can just say she's visiting a friend or something innocuous.

OP get a Travelodge or similar for tonight and tomorrow to take time out and think whether you want to continue this marriage.

Ring him and tell him this so kids aren't scared. Could you ring the eldest direct to reassure her? I expect she knows that you get hacked off with his unavailability.........

The more you write the more disrespectful he sounds. It's patronising to suggest that you should do things too and then not so anything to make that possible, even to the extent of you not being able to work.

Naturally the parent who is at home more sometimes knows the routines etc but your husband is more than capable of having the children for a night, I'd probably ring and ask to speak to them, you could just say you'll see them tomorrow? I guess your next steps are mostly based on what your husband does, I'd want a recommitment to fairly shared down time and probably counselling as I agree with others that it doesn't feel to be just about the golf?

Anyway you're entitled to be annoyed and at the end of your tether and more than deserving of a night away!

Why do you need to do so much for a 12 year old. It isn't hard ? Chill. Go out with your kids. Ge the 12 year old to have the 3 year old while you go the gym

Mmm...

Get a hotel for tonight - text him to tell him you need some space to think about what you want.

You are leaving him, it is over, you need some space, you'll be back tomorrow once you've had time to consider your options.

That way he can't claim that you've just abandoned everyone, but he is clear that lifes about to change.

It really isn't a great idea to ask a 12 year old to look after a 3 year old but especially not in place of a dad doing what they should.

You don't need to contact them at all. The kids will be fine. The kids will not die or suffer trauma from you being away for 2 days - their father is away all of the time. Go back on Monday with a plan.
When you get back home he has to decide if he wants to be less selfish or get a divorce, and you need to find a job - that is non negotiable with him doing his bit with pick up and drop offs.
If you get a job then you are prepared if divorce becomes necessary.

@Sirmeowsalot this

I echo what other posters are saying. Check into a hotel for the weekend. Text your husband and tell him, but don't tell him where you're staying. Tell him you need space, and you want to separate, with a view to divorce. Spend some of that money you have squirreled away on something lovely just for you.