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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

212 replies

Sirmeowsalot · 14/09/2024 14:44

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 14/09/2024 16:35

Gettingbysomehow · 14/09/2024 16:29

You don't need to contact them at all. The kids will be fine. The kids will not die or suffer trauma from you being away for 2 days - their father is away all of the time. Go back on Monday with a plan.
When you get back home he has to decide if he wants to be less selfish or get a divorce, and you need to find a job - that is non negotiable with him doing his bit with pick up and drop offs.
If you get a job then you are prepared if divorce becomes necessary.

This. Everyone wringing their hands about the kids and telling her to ring, stop pressurizing her. They are fine with one parent for a couple of nights.

He needs to experience the full mental load of being on his own with them.

Goldenretrieversball · 14/09/2024 16:37

Sirmeowsalot · 14/09/2024 15:32

I told the eldest I was popping out and the youngest was asleep so I’m not worried at all about the kids right now.
I feel so disorientated and it is so out of my character to leave the children, but I feel I’ve tried talking with him a million times and he makes me sound so unreasonable when I point out his hobbies. He says why don’t I do stuff but I have tried. I got a good job at the start of the year (civil service) but had to quit after only a month as childcare/pick up/drop offs were bad for his jobs. (He has his own business, where I occasionally do admin for but am 50/50 share holding)

Your poor kids will wonder where the heck you are. Don’t just leave for a day or two, they will be worried and confused. If you want to split up because of his behaviour (and who would blame you), tell him to go.

Floppyelf · 14/09/2024 16:39

Sirmeowsalot · 14/09/2024 15:32

I told the eldest I was popping out and the youngest was asleep so I’m not worried at all about the kids right now.
I feel so disorientated and it is so out of my character to leave the children, but I feel I’ve tried talking with him a million times and he makes me sound so unreasonable when I point out his hobbies. He says why don’t I do stuff but I have tried. I got a good job at the start of the year (civil service) but had to quit after only a month as childcare/pick up/drop offs were bad for his jobs. (He has his own business, where I occasionally do admin for but am 50/50 share holding)

what does he do?

Mumofoneandone · 14/09/2024 16:43

Well done for walking out to gain some space. It sounds like you have tried hard to get him to rebalance his life. Clearly he is not interested - you could approach counselling, but if not, you'll know where you stand and can look at options.
Maybe withdraw from doing anything round the house for him. Focus on yourself and the children. If he has time for hobbies, he has time to sort his domestic stuff out. Whilst he is clearly providing a roof over your head, this is because he is not enabling you to work!
Potentially see a lawyer for financial advice.

80s · 14/09/2024 16:44

I got a good job at the start of the year (civil service) but had to quit after only a month as childcare/pick up/drop offs were bad for his jobs.
I had the same situation back in the day and he didn't improve. In the end, his sense of his own superior importance led him to decide that he deserved an affair, as I was clearly horrible. Fortunately I'd managed to find a job wfh that enabled me to look after the kids without his input. But his refusal to see me as an equal affected my entire life. I doubt he understands it.

Give your big dd a ring and say you got a last-minute invitation to a golf tour and will be back in a couple of days. Tell her to have fun with dad.

Pookerrod · 14/09/2024 16:45

I hear you. I have a DH with a hobby that takes him out of the house from 7am to 1pm on a weekend day. He would go Saturday and Sunday if he had his way. Sometimes we come to blows about it but now the kids are older I don’t tend to mind so much.

Is it just this that’s the issue? If so, you need to prioritise doing something for you regularly. And really prioritise it, just as much as he does his golf. Whether that’s meeting a friend one evening every week, or going to the gym or for a swim on a Sunday morning.

You could also dedicate certain jobs to your DH to do that you then never have to do. My DH does all the laundry. It’s his responsibility. If he doesn’t do it, nothing is washed. I absolutely refuse to do it as I do everything else. That’s our deal. It’s not much but it certainly lightens the load of crap I need to think about.

But ultimately you need to go home and talk to him and agree something that works for both of you because you don’t really want to leave do you? You just want something to change.

EI12 · 14/09/2024 16:46

V.easy - swop roles, you go and earn, like many women, he stays at home and becomes a sahd, like many men. No point in sulking - you go and earn. Then you get to call all the shots, no problem. Word of warning, though. In my family I earn, I get to call the shots. The stress of being the main provider, the burden is so heavy that if my husband had the same earning capacity, I would have swapped with him in a heartbeat.

Choochoo21 · 14/09/2024 16:55

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/09/2024 16:35

This. Everyone wringing their hands about the kids and telling her to ring, stop pressurizing her. They are fine with one parent for a couple of nights.

He needs to experience the full mental load of being on his own with them.

Show quote history

I disagree.

If her DH decided to stay out all night without telling her, then we’d all be saying what an awful man he is.

Its common decency to just tell him and to reassure the kids that she’s staying out.
Especially as it’s out of character for her and most people would instantly be concerned.

She doesn’t need to return or explain in much detail, just let him know that she’s ok but not coming home tonight as she needs space.
I would hope he would do the same if it was the other way around too.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 14/09/2024 16:55

I'm sorry it's come to this OP.
But you had to quit a job because he wouldn't do his share of the childcare sorting.
He is fucking you over financially while he gets his job and life and days out while you do everything for nothing.
Frankly I'd tell him he can sort the kids for a couple of weeks while you have some time to think about whether or not you want to stay with him or be Disney Mum ... scare the crap out of him when he realises he can't cope.

Pookerrod · 14/09/2024 16:57

I’m not sure why everyone is saying to LTB to be honest.

The only thing that OP’s DH appears to have done is have a hobby that takes him out of the house 1 morning every weekend. Whilst not ideal, it’s not exactly divorce territory, surely?

The OP does all the childcare and housework, again not ideal, but as a SAHP, it’s hardly unusual.

And unlike many SAHPs, OP actually owns half of the business that the DH is working in/building so she directly benefits from any value he creates in building that business whether or not they stay together or divorce.

Add to that that one child is 12 and so I assume becoming quite independent and the other will be starting school within a year or so and the OP will find things much easier then.

Pookerrod · 14/09/2024 16:58

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 14/09/2024 16:55

I'm sorry it's come to this OP.
But you had to quit a job because he wouldn't do his share of the childcare sorting.
He is fucking you over financially while he gets his job and life and days out while you do everything for nothing.
Frankly I'd tell him he can sort the kids for a couple of weeks while you have some time to think about whether or not you want to stay with him or be Disney Mum ... scare the crap out of him when he realises he can't cope.

He’s not exactly fucking her over financially if she owns half his business.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 14/09/2024 17:02

Pookerrod · 14/09/2024 16:58

He’s not exactly fucking her over financially if she owns half his business.

Show quote history

It's not the same thing as having your own income and job-related experience, though, is it? Owning half a business doesn't actually mean she's getting any money out of it ... seeing as she had to sell her belongings to scrimp and save £1000.

pinkfleece · 14/09/2024 17:03

You need to go back to work, make it clear that half the cost and effort of childcare is his, then build up a fund to leave.

Notmynamerightnow · 14/09/2024 17:03

Pookerrod · 14/09/2024 16:57

I’m not sure why everyone is saying to LTB to be honest.

The only thing that OP’s DH appears to have done is have a hobby that takes him out of the house 1 morning every weekend. Whilst not ideal, it’s not exactly divorce territory, surely?

The OP does all the childcare and housework, again not ideal, but as a SAHP, it’s hardly unusual.

And unlike many SAHPs, OP actually owns half of the business that the DH is working in/building so she directly benefits from any value he creates in building that business whether or not they stay together or divorce.

Add to that that one child is 12 and so I assume becoming quite independent and the other will be starting school within a year or so and the OP will find things much easier then.

She had to quit a decent job as he wouldn't step up. I'm all for a parent staying at home, but only if that is by free choice.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 14/09/2024 17:03

Pookerrod · 14/09/2024 16:57

I’m not sure why everyone is saying to LTB to be honest.

The only thing that OP’s DH appears to have done is have a hobby that takes him out of the house 1 morning every weekend. Whilst not ideal, it’s not exactly divorce territory, surely?

The OP does all the childcare and housework, again not ideal, but as a SAHP, it’s hardly unusual.

And unlike many SAHPs, OP actually owns half of the business that the DH is working in/building so she directly benefits from any value he creates in building that business whether or not they stay together or divorce.

Add to that that one child is 12 and so I assume becoming quite independent and the other will be starting school within a year or so and the OP will find things much easier then.

OP wants to work, DH made it impossible, and OP has wanted time to do her own thins, and DH won't look after the DCs when she does.

THat's why.

Pookerrod · 14/09/2024 17:08

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 14/09/2024 17:02

It's not the same thing as having your own income and job-related experience, though, is it? Owning half a business doesn't actually mean she's getting any money out of it ... seeing as she had to sell her belongings to scrimp and save £1000.

Show quote history

OP didn’t say she HAD to scrimp and save and sell her belongings. In fact she said all income is joint and she’s the one who deals with all the family finances (and business admin).

Pookerrod · 14/09/2024 17:11

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 14/09/2024 17:03

OP wants to work, DH made it impossible, and OP has wanted time to do her own thins, and DH won't look after the DCs when she does.

THat's why.

Show quote history

But sometimes one parent’s job means that they can’t do any drop offs / pick ups. That’s just the way some jobs are. My DH couldn’t either, so I found another way.

At least she owns half the business so also benefits from him having to prioritise his work. That gives her security.

gardenmusic · 14/09/2024 17:12

Goldusty · Today 15:39
With love I think you both need to grow up and decide to discuss what's eating you. You're supposed to be a team if not for the sake of your children...

She cannot be a team on her own. He isn't joining her team, he has one of his own - his mates and hobbies.

allmyliesaretrue · 14/09/2024 17:12

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/09/2024 15:51

You quit a good civil service job because he, self-employed, couldn't flex to help with the school runs?

That was the time you needed to walk @Sirmeowsalot. Selfish bastard.

gardenmusic · 14/09/2024 17:14

The only thing that OP’s DH appears to have done is have a hobby that takes him out of the house 1 morning every weekend. Whilst not ideal, it’s not exactly divorce territory, surely?

You missed his other hobbies.

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2024 17:24

Stay out til tomorrow, he needs to know you’re serious. Why couldn’t childcare be organised to fit your job? Sounded like you had a good post. You need to overcome the drop off/pick ups with him doing as much as you or organise wraparound care/nursery for the little one. Sounds like he takes you totally for granted and you need to start telling him no.

Tiswa · 14/09/2024 17:25

You need to be honest that you wanted the job but not him not helping you is making you stuck and unhappy

and if he doesn’t get legal advice as you own the business 50/50

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 14/09/2024 17:30

He doesnt sound like a brilliant father. He cannot even get his children to or from school / childcare. He doesnt sound like he doesnt any parenting at all.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/09/2024 17:34

@Pookerrod She had to give up a job because he couldn’t take care of his own kids. And it’s one day per weekend - 32 days since January. She’s not a SAHP by choice, she’s been forced into it because her shit husband won’t step up and look after his own children. Looking after children is a full time job, why are you pushing this back on to OP when she’s more than entitled to have some time to her own on the same terms as her DH ?

User6874356 · 14/09/2024 17:37

Sirmeowsalot · 14/09/2024 15:32

I told the eldest I was popping out and the youngest was asleep so I’m not worried at all about the kids right now.
I feel so disorientated and it is so out of my character to leave the children, but I feel I’ve tried talking with him a million times and he makes me sound so unreasonable when I point out his hobbies. He says why don’t I do stuff but I have tried. I got a good job at the start of the year (civil service) but had to quit after only a month as childcare/pick up/drop offs were bad for his jobs. (He has his own business, where I occasionally do admin for but am 50/50 share holding)

If you do want to work you could overcome these issues. I’m a single mom and worked since my kids were younger than yours. Maybe your dh should be doing more but equally you can put your youngest in nursery and have a hobby once a week if you want