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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

212 replies

Sirmeowsalot · 14/09/2024 14:44

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

OP posts:
HmAndAh · 14/09/2024 15:20

How old are the kids?

Mrsttcno1 · 14/09/2024 15:22

Pyjamatimenow · 14/09/2024 15:19

What if the stupid man tells them
mum’s left them? They could be crying all night. Sorry op he’s a dick but you can’t do this like this!

This would be my worry. At least you & they know when he goes, where he is, how long etc.

AutumnFroglets · 14/09/2024 15:24

A fun dad is not a brilliant parent. A brilliant parent puts their children's needs first, not golf, darts, football etc.

He's a crap dad and a crap partner.

dapsnotplimsolls · 14/09/2024 15:24

Find a hotel for tonight, message him to tell the kids you'll be back tomorrow evening. Decompress for the rest of the day/evening and start looking at job ads tomorrow.

TheShellBeach · 14/09/2024 15:25

It will do him some good to look after the children by himself for a change.

And it obviously won't harm the children.

Stay away for two nights OP and don't respond if he contacts you.

madroid · 14/09/2024 15:25

Don't cave OP. Stay away at least until Monday or Tuesday morning so that he has to do school run/pick up.

This your chance to claw back some respect from him. He's treated you as a doormat. Now's your chance to show him that he needs to listen because you mean it when you say you've had enough.

The kids will be fine for a few days and it's ultimately for their benefit too.

Autumn1990 · 14/09/2024 15:26

I’d go back after a couple of hours when hopefully you are feeling calmer. Reassure the kids. Then decide if you’re leaving or he is or if you’re staying in the spare room and start looking for a job on Monday. Then you are in a much better position.
Try really hard to keep the process calm and think it through logically so there’s the Best outcome for you and the kids. Heat if the moment stuff rarely works out for the best.

CharlotteLucas3 · 14/09/2024 15:30

I wouldn’t stay away though. I have a friend who lost custody of her daughter because she left. I don’t know why this happened because she’s the nicest woman you could wish to meet but it did, and her daughter is now quite messed up because of it.

Original poster
Sirmeowsalot · 14/09/2024 15:32

I told the eldest I was popping out and the youngest was asleep so I’m not worried at all about the kids right now.
I feel so disorientated and it is so out of my character to leave the children, but I feel I’ve tried talking with him a million times and he makes me sound so unreasonable when I point out his hobbies. He says why don’t I do stuff but I have tried. I got a good job at the start of the year (civil service) but had to quit after only a month as childcare/pick up/drop offs were bad for his jobs. (He has his own business, where I occasionally do admin for but am 50/50 share holding)

OP posts:
DontBiteTheCat · 14/09/2024 15:33

I completely understand why you did what you did OP, but I disagree strongly with just going no contact and leaving it until Monday or Tuesday. Your children will be confused, you don’t know what he’s saying to them and mum walking out not knowing when she’ll be back could be really traumatic for them.

All this “It’s what dads do, he’s their father too” is pointless if he’s not their main caregiver.

Take tonight if you need to figure out what happens next, your husband is a selfish twat and you deserve better. If you decide your marriage is over can you ask him to leave instead?

Choochoo21 · 14/09/2024 15:36

You don’t really want to leave, you just want to shock him into acting correctly and let him know that you can leave if you want to and that he needs to start appreciating you.

Book a hotel and tell him that you’re staying out tonight.

Perhaps have a chat to the 12yo and explain (in kid terms) that your dad regularly has nights away and you just want one too.

Go out with friends or get a bottle of wine and room service and slob out in your hotel room.

When you get back I think it would be worth having some couples therapy.

Either you’re not communicating your needs properly or he’s just not listening.

Gently, this is why I would never be a SAHP because some women are seen as not as important by their partners.

Perhaps look into what career you will have when your youngest starts school.
You could think about doing an online degree or something.

Your life revolves around your DH and your kids, which isn’t good.
You are your own person and it’s time you had a social life and work towards a career of your own.

You have quite a large age gap between your kids. Was this planned?
Has his behaviour changed since having the second one?

BeMintBee · 14/09/2024 15:38

Choochoo21 · 14/09/2024 15:36

You don’t really want to leave, you just want to shock him into acting correctly and let him know that you can leave if you want to and that he needs to start appreciating you.

Book a hotel and tell him that you’re staying out tonight.

Perhaps have a chat to the 12yo and explain (in kid terms) that your dad regularly has nights away and you just want one too.

Go out with friends or get a bottle of wine and room service and slob out in your hotel room.

When you get back I think it would be worth having some couples therapy.

Either you’re not communicating your needs properly or he’s just not listening.

Gently, this is why I would never be a SAHP because some women are seen as not as important by their partners.

Perhaps look into what career you will have when your youngest starts school.
You could think about doing an online degree or something.

Your life revolves around your DH and your kids, which isn’t good.
You are your own person and it’s time you had a social life and work towards a career of your own.

You have quite a large age gap between your kids. Was this planned?
Has his behaviour changed since having the second one?

How do you know she doesn’t really want to leave? Maybe she really does?

LBFseBrom · 14/09/2024 15:39

Cheesecakecookie · 14/09/2024 14:52

Go to a hotel for a couple of nights.

It will do him good to have to do the mental load type of work.

Then if you want to discuss with him the inequalities in your relationship - you can.

I agree as long as your children are all right, if you have not taken them with you. Have a few days without your husband, a break will do you good.

Your husband is not unreasonable to have a hobby but he must accept that you have the right to go out sometimes and even have your own hobby.

I feel sure that a compromise can be reached.

Goldusty · 14/09/2024 15:39

With love I think you both need to grow up and decide to discuss what's eating you. You're supposed to be a team if not for the sake of your children...

LifeExperience · 14/09/2024 15:40

Brilliant dads don't have to be asked to spend time with their children. Brilliant dads don't fob off all the family/household/financial responsibility on their beleaguered spouse. Brilliant dads care about the mental and physical well-being of their children's mum.

He's not a brilliant dad. He's selfish, self-involved twat who considers his wife a household appliance. Proceed accordingly, OP.

butterpuffed · 14/09/2024 15:41

Why tell your eldest you were 'popping out' when you had a bag already packed?

Whitesapphire · 14/09/2024 15:42

I don’t think you can win in this situation. You’ll have to go back with your tail between your legs and you’ll look ridiculous. Try to have a proper conversation with him though and get this sorted.

SpagBolBowl · 14/09/2024 15:43

I don't normally post on these things but with the greatest respect it doesn't sound very rational to leave.

You are resentful about giving up the job and need more time and a rebalance and a bit more positive attention from your partner. Things which you can communicate to your partner and tell him he's being a knob about. Not insurmountable just a bit painful to work through.

I'm not saying 'stay in a crap marriage' but you are not in a good place and that needs to change.

Sidebeforeself · 14/09/2024 15:44

I think you are completely right to try to show him how fed up you are but I think the way you have done it is a little unfair on your kids. To a 3 year old mummy suddenly going away can be very upsetting. But you know your kids best so I presume you have thought about that.

People are right - you don’t need to decide everything today.But you do need a new “next step” as just going back to hope that this will shock him into action wont work.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 14/09/2024 15:46

Why are you giving in to his commitments and not just saying, "I'm doing xyz today, it's my turn, you need to sort the kids"? I get that you're giving in but why?

32 days for this year is like 4 days/evenings a month, you can easily do the same number.

K37529 · 14/09/2024 15:47

I would just go home, maybe take an hour or two to yourself to clear your head. I completely understand why you stormed out, it’s so unfair when two people have kids together and one parents life comes to a complete halt whilst other parents continues as normal, but walking out isn’t going to solve anything. Go home and talk to your husband, tell him how you feel make a plan together for free time that’s fair to both of you.

DrRichardWebber · 14/09/2024 15:49

My husband loves golf so I get it. How we manage it is that he plays 9 holes every weekend, which doesn’t take longer than 2 hours. I then get the same amount of time myself to go to the gym, or do whatever it is for me.

I would find parenting very hard if I didn’t get a couple of hours to myself every week.

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/09/2024 15:51

You quit a good civil service job because he, self-employed, couldn't flex to help with the school runs?

EveryonesMother · 14/09/2024 15:52

I would be telling him thet you wont babysit his children so he can have a life, you co parent and share breaks or he will be having them every other weekend and half the school holidays if you leave, hes taking the P!

smallchange · 14/09/2024 15:52

If you feel like now's the time to check out and it's not worth staying then that's valid and you can make a plan. Probably best for him to leave since you do all the childcare.

If you think this might give him the shock he needs, then also give him the job of fixing it. So he needs to sit down with a calendar and plan out your equal, non-negotiable free time for the next 6 months, and if it turns out he can't cover for you some times, that's for him to sort without coming to you.

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