I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

[Sirmeowsalot]

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

You really think her husband is going to agree to that?

I'd book into a premier inn for tonight and tomorrow night, and tell him you'll be back to talk on Monday - let him do the weekend stuff and the school/nursery slog Monday morning before you go back.

You're not trapped.

I filed for divorce and have no family alive that I would want in my life and while I do have friends I don't feel I have anyone I could call at 3am.

It is harder with smaller kids, mine are adults now, albeit young ones, but you have to make changes as he won't. Unless you are serious about leaving.

I really dislike when peoiple said "I did this so everyone can", it's so undermining. You can, good for you, but not everyone can. It must be difficult to understand people have different support network, different resilience, different struggles, different setup for the kids school, live in different parts of the country where things can be more or less expensive. It's pretty enlightening maybe to find out not everyone is, you know, you.

I agree with you @ReadingInTheRain583
Good advice

If you work in the business and own half of it, why would you need to go and find a job? You have a job. He can't kick you out or substantially change the structure of the business without your agreement.
From what you said, he is quite selfish but not inherently a bad person nor has he done anything truly unforgivable.
I don't often say this but maybe marriage counselling can help. I would probably give him a chance to see himself from a 3rd person's view and help you lay down some rules about sharing childcare and other responsibilities...hopefully he can still improve after a life long of being an egocentric git.

sod the hostel, use the joint finances to pay for a lovely Spa hotel, bet his golf costs way more than that, enjoy it and decide in the morning what you want/need to do going forward. I would also really struggle to live with someone that selfish for so long, I probably wouldn't have had baby number 2 with him tbh x

That's incredibly dramatic. I think the OP needs support here, not a guilt trip.

Strongly advise not to stay away for the night. Play the long game, I think you've already come to your final decision to leave the marriage. Do it with your head held high and a clean sheet, not with leaving the kids with no explanation for 1 or 2 nights. In your position I'd go home, reassure the kids and start properly planning.

Excellent advice

I really dislike it when women act like they can’t do anything without a man. I don’t believe there’s anywhere in the country where women can’t work. It’s 2024.

ops relationship may not be a good one. Only she knows for sure. But women can work and manage childcare. Most do. Let’s not have this weaponised incompetence

To be honest I can’t imagine how my kids would feel if I upped and left for the night unexpectedly. It might not be an issue for op but it would be for my kids.

Agreed, this is really traumatising for the kids, and naturally they have to come first. Tell him though that if this doesn't change immediately, with an agreed timetable for equal leisure, you'll be taking steps to separate/divorce. And mean it.

Where did I say that?
I said that just because you can, does not mean everyone can. Many wome do, but others dont and you can feel smug about your achievement moanint about another woman who struggles to leave the partner, or just understand that people are different and not everyone is as lucky to be able to leave an unhappy relationship.

I’m not at being smug. I’m saying women can and do work and manage childcare. The vast majority of us do. The idea that op cannot work because her husband won’t do pick ups is silly. She can work and having a defeatist negative attitude doesn’t help anyone. If she is going to leave she will have to manage this.

ops dh may be unreasonable but you pretending that women can’t possibly manage on their own is a step too far. About 40% of families are single parents and we manage.

Your DH thinks a women's place is at home, just like his parents. He works and makes the money so outside of work all his time is his own. Your hobby is the DC, you take them everywhere or look after them at home, that's how he thinks it should be. I'm afraid the most ingrained views are the ones people learn from their families, his parents have taught him that the women do all the domestic stuff, childcare, help their DH, basically, you're the house elf @Sirmeowsalot . It's not a case of tell him what's wrong and he'll change, he doesn't think he's wrong, he let you lose your job rather than do the school runs.
He'll be shocked if you stay away overnight Op but not for the right reasons, he'll be shocked that you've spurned your duties as a wife and a DM

Don't worry about the kids. They'll be fine while you take some space to decompress.

This is the culmination of his refusal to listen to you.

You need to be very clear about what you want to change, and spell it out to him in words of one syllable.

Then tell him, and tell him when you'll be back to talk about it.

@User6874356 i really don’t mean to make it sound like women cant do things without a man but for me, I couldn’t find childcare for before 9am or after 3pm, which meant DH had to do drop off/pick up. He covers a large geographical area for work so meant cutting his area/day really short for my fairly low wage job. He also then (laughably!) had a golf competition that meant he was away for a couple nights and we didn’t have anyone to have the kids. Sure, I’d have liked to have stayed in the job but it was affecting the kids and DH and so it was just easier to give it up and be at their beck and call. Now the youngest has a place in a bigger nursery that does do after school hours I can look for a job outside of the business to give me independence.
doesn’t change the fact I’d like some support from my DH and for him to prioritise me and the kids for a change.

It’s clearly an issue for OP. But she’s left with little choice because nothing else has worked. The kids will survive for one night and maybe the selfish shitty husband will be shocked into realising how selfish he is. Or maybe he won’t, in which case it’ll be more than one night. Staying in a crap relationship for the kids is not an option.

He’s an arse.

I wouldn’t go back until he contacts you.

@Daleksatemyshed i think you’re spot on.

The only weaponised incompetence here is on the part of her DH. He’s the reason she lost her job. The misogyny in your posts is palpable.

This. All fucking day long. Well said.

And when you go back, he’ll think you’ve “come to your senses”

Then he will be landed as full-time carer and OP can go and have a life.