I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

[Sirmeowsalot]

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

Yes because we all know how well kids turn out with one selfish and one depressed parent.....

The op gets no time now so what will change is that golfer dad will no longer be creating this resentment. He will suddenly find his free time curtailed too if he is as involved as the op says so yes she will have time off, EOW minimum.

Stay out for thr night op. Find a hotel nearby. Not to make him worry but to have a chance to rest and think by yourself.

Have an undisturbed night of sleep and see how you feel in the morning.

I would text though, to say I was staying out. Then dont answer any calls or texts.

My mum walked out on my dad when I was 10 because of his choices about golf.
I’m 57 now, I’m OK, Mum’s had a happy life, Dad still plays golf…. He’s 85 🤷🏼‍♀️
It’ll never change

It amuses me in these relationship threads when the original poster says “I’ve tried to talk to him multiple times about what’s making me unhappy but with no response” and then posters then suggest that she talk to him, as if it had never occurred to her to do this before. Do people really think relationship issues are that easily resolved?

@Sirmeowsalot my ex was like that too. I ended upon my own for various reasons but I have found it easier on my own even with few family members and friends to call at 3 am because I could restructure my life around working again and I created back up plans for if things went wrong. For example roadside assistance membership, Uber set up on my phone, emergency meals in the freezer for when we are sick, spare keys in safe locations for accidental lockouts, emergency savings for unexpected expenses, disability and income protection insurance etc. Being organised and creating plans for when things go wrong does make single parent territory a lot more manageable. And I love my job!

The best thing is not having to deal with the resentment of being both mother and father anymore. It just is.

Did you mean to be an apologist for a shit husband whose wife had to give up a job after just a month because he wouldn’t step up ? There’s a misogynistic undercurrent on this thread that’s really unpleasant when you realise it’s coming from other women.

That will not be the sole reason.

What nonsense.

Your H is a parent too
Hes forgotten that
I think take a couple of days away to get your head together is long overdue
The kids are older and he needs to be able to parent without you

It’s a tactical nuke designed to give OP the advantage on the battle field of his selfishness. If holding her ground shocks him into action then she’s won the battle. If it doesn’t, then the ICBM that will wipe out their relationship is the next step. Seems to me the OP has been pushed to the point of brinkmanship and to be honest l think even the stress and mess of divorce is preferable to constantly being reminded that she and the kids are a poor third behind his hobbies and golf, and that her needs mean nothing to him.

Unbelievable isn’t it ? Nice woman leaves marriage, daughters’ mental health is screwed as a result. All nice womans’ fault. Nothing whatever to do with whatever caused her to leave in the first place. Whatever happened to critical thinking ?

I feel like I’m on another planet reading these replies. That is not the ‘only thing he has done’, he never has the kids by himself and he’s sabotaged OP working by refusing to take on any of the childcare, that is fucking controlling and forcing her into the role of SAHM when she wants to work.

Im gob smacked at the excuses being rolled out for this selfish man, it’s like MN has been taken over by MRAs who just want OP to get back in her box.

Did you stay away overnight @Sirmeowsalot ?

I know the "pull" of the children would be hard to resist but I understand you needed to do something that might wake him up to how unhappy you are with the way things are in your home/family/marriage.

Lots of threads rationalising that it's 'only six hours a week' but it isn't. It's overnights for tournaments, it's other hobbies like darts etc that the Op has mentioned. It's the total freedom the husband enjoys, being able to socialise and go off without a thought about childcare whilst his wife is at home doing the wife work. She's not able to work because her job doesn't earn enough to justify paid childcare.

It's consistent self absorbed behaviour that free time belongs to him. The responsibility belongs to her. Believe me the resentment builds up. You're living HIS life on his terms, not your own. No amount of discussion will change it.

As for being the nuclear option, in my case divorce didn't change my life very much. I still did all the parenting but wasn't accommodating his selfishness anymore. I had access to my own money and organized my life accordingly.

I also wasn't listening to other women justifying his hobbies because he was the big earner. Or stepping in to offer childcare on a rare day away. He even left her with a total stranger on holiday abroad to go off and play golf with a new buddy.

We will never be equals whilst men are viewed as entitled to the majority of downtime. Also how many women have other women to socialise with in the childcare years? All my friends were at home looking after their kids!