I’ve just walked out and he thinks it’s because of golf

[Sirmeowsalot]

DH played golf again this morning. But it’s not just the morning it’s 8am-2pm. He moans he doesn’t get to play that often but I’ve just gone through the calendar and he’s had 32 days of golf (some overnights) while I’ve had 4 evenings to myself since January. He has other hobbies too but I don’t get time and when I’ve tried to start something invariably I have to give up because of the kids (eg he can’t sort kids because of his work or hobby commitments).
I’ve spent the morning with the kids and he waltzes in saying what a nice lunch he had at the golf club how it’s such a beautiful day etc and I just slowly started packing a bag and eventually said I’m leaving you. I don’t think he said anything!
Im a SAHM, have about £1k in cash on me that I’d hidden, no family at all. Where do I go? What do I do now. I’m unsure if I really want to leave (I can’t believe I’ve walked out without the kids!) but god I find him so unbelievably selfish and just so unaware.

I got a good job at the start of the year (civil service) but had to quit after only a month as childcare/pick up/drop offs were bad for his jobs.

You need to make it very clear that you're going back and he's pulling his weight, or the family budget funds childcare.

Or you'll leave and he can pay maintenance.

What an arsehole. Quitting was a massive mistake. At least you are married.

You're playing for high stakes here and what happens next depends on his reaction. Is he likely to apologise, act contrite, agree a fairer proportion of golf time? Even if he does will he keep his word to golf less, be weekend present more and give you time for yourself? He does sound oblivious.

Would mediation aka couples therapy sort this out? If you've told him a million times and he isn't listening then maybe a third party telling him it's unfair might help. Something's gotta give!

Her youngest is 3 and should be in nursery and the other child is at school. There’s no reason op can’t have a hobby or a job.

Where have I said that the OP isn’t entitled to have some time on her own?

Fucking hell, how low is your bar in terms of what a woman should put up with?

Shit father, who has to be asked to look after his own kids. Wouldn’t step up, so she could continue with a great new civil service role. Does nothing round the house. Goes out whenever he wants and does what he wants socially while he expects his wife to be his unpaid babysitter!!!

I’d be taking a few days space and then going home and telling him to leave. He wouldn’t be swanning round playing golf all the time if he has to have his kids 50/50 or even every other weekend.

Women need to set their standards higher and not put up with this shit.

You haven’t. But you have a very low bar for what you expect women to put up with within a marriage. He gets to do what he wants and won’t even step up to look after his own kids to allow OP to take a job.

Also looking after a 12 year old and 3 year old isn’t a full time job as I assume 3 year old at least shoes to nursery school. And definitely won’t be in a year’s time when 3 year old is in school.

Don’t be ridiculous. He earns all the money. There’s no reason op can’t work

So given that you don’t think looking after two kids of this age isn’t a full time job, what’s your take on him not stepping in with childcare so that the op can do a full time job ? You’re blaming the OP for the actions of a shit father and shit husband. Typical MN misogyny.

Reading and comprehension skills aren’t up to much are they ? OP took a job and had to give it up because he couldn’t cope with basic childcare even though he’s self employed.

I'd book somewhere for tonight and use the time to make a list of what you want/need to do next. It's ridiculous that you had to quit a good job due to his refusal to share pickups and drop offs, etc., it's part of parenting.

I imagine that getting back to work will be one priority and him pulling his weight with the children is another. He'll have to fit his hobbies around his responsibilities in future if he wants to keep his family intact.

Well if her DH won’t step up for the school/nursery runs she’s stuffed isn’t she ?

Not at all. Sort wrap around childcare if neither parent can drop off or pick up 3 year old from nursery. 12 year old should be fine on their own whilst working civil service hours.

Find childcare? That’s what most families who have 2 full time working parents do.

Have you watched the ‘Outnumbered’ episode where the mum drops the two children off at their dad’s tennis game with his friends ? Such a funny episode. Please do this.

@Pookerrod Yes, but it's not solely the OP's responsibility to organize and facilitate childcare. Why can't her self-employed husband do some pickups and drop offs? Presumably he makes his own schedule whereas she probably has to work between certain hours at least. OK, sometimes he might have a conflict, but overall, he'll have some flexibility.

I'm self-employed and I do most pickups and drop-offs, I arrange my schedule so that it works. DH needs to be online by 8 am.

I think he will discover it’s a very expensive hobby if it costs half the marital assets.

32 weeks from the year so far since January averages one day a week. That’s 6 hours during one day a week. That’s not a whole lot for a hobby. I was expecting it to be several days in the week. Can he maybe go golfing on Saturdays and then mind the kids on Sundays or vice versa? Does he do his bit for the kids on the other days of the week?

Today was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back but it's been coming for a while. I'm astounded that you ended up leaving a job because he wasn't willing to step up etc. Getting into the civil service is no mean feat!
I'm not sure going back home tomorrow would solve anything, but you might need to do so you're with your children and you can make proper plans for housing for you and the children, and get yourself a job.
Be honest with yourself, he's not going to do 50/50 parenting unless it's to avoid paying you child support, so assume that your job needs wrap around care so you can juggle things.
Good luck and stay strong.

I went for a walk to the beach.
Not heard anything from him or the eldest.
I wouldn’t expect the eldest to babysit the youngest, their dad should be there for them! I had two still borns between the two kids hence the age gap.
Yes I own half the business, and worked very hard to build it up. I still work in it but less so, as when I was pregnant we hired an accountant/online PA to reduce my work load, and have kept them on. Little one recently goes to nursery two days (9-3) which I fill with work/house/etc and yes I could squeeze in a hobby I guess. They could do every day 9-3 but I do enjoy the kids company, it’d be nice just not to be expected to do it all the time.
It’s not the same as having time of an evening or a weekend though (which is what DH has for his hobbies), and it isn’t even about the golf, it’s about his lack of awareness. I’m glad so many can see it because he makes me feel like I’m being so unreasonable, and then I feel like I’m going crazy!
I should look for somewhere to stay but am worrying now about leaving the kids if he could use that against me.
Inlaws are very old fashioned and believe my place is at home! I do think an element has come from his upbringing.
I have zero family alive and don’t really have close friends either I’ve realised today.
Until I get another job and my own income/place to live I’m pretty much trapped in this life I think.

Block his number while you decompress for 24 hours at a hotel. Let him deal with the children for the next week while you stay at a hotel. I'd have been tempted to book a cheap package holiday & fly out for a week. The entitled shite.

As I said I’m a single mum yet managed to work full time since my youngest was 2. No reason op can’t work.

of course her dh should do his share. But op doesn’t work and as has been said, looking after a 3 and 12 year old is not a full time job.

ultmately if op does leave her dh she will need to work out how to manage childcare and a job. Best to start now.

Absolutely. This thread is ridiculous. I’m a single mum with no family help who lives 500 miles from my ex. Yet I managed to do a demanding full time job since my youngest was 2.

of course men should and often don’t take an equal share of household responsibilities. But that doesn’t make it impossible for op to work. This is just silly.

equally as a sahp to a child in nursery and an older child op must have far more time for herself than her dh. Perhaps he’s a pig but it doesn’t seem to me that she is in such a terrible situation

You know op you might think you have no close friends but it's possible one of them is a close friend in waiting, could you confide in one and head round/ out for a coffee or glass or wine? It feels like you've stopped prioritising the things that matter to you and tiny steps can make a huge difference?

OP take a breath. He'll be expecting you home after your 'tantrum' and the fact he thinks you have no money. Book a room somewhere, get some takeout and just have a night to yourself and a lie in. Then go back tomorrow and have a proper chat with him about things that need to change.