Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

I wonder if you could temporarily reduce your hours while you divorce? If you earn loads more he may go for 50 50 of assets as your kids are adult?

I'm sure you'll manage either way, you sound so strong on competent.

It's just a thought.

Could you release equity to your grown up DCs as an early inheritance or set up a trust fund for them? By doing that, he may have a lesser share of the split. Consult your lawyer.

Good legal advice is essential.
He really doesn't sound like any great prize.

The snoring will be an awful shock for her😁

Absolute tool. You sound amazing OP.

We are at a similar stage in life and I can’t believe he’s thrown away your shared history and family for someone he’s known such a short time.

You obv met very young, I met my DH when we were both 18 and I do sometimes wonder if he regrets not playing the field a bit more when he was younger.

Could happen to any of us, even the ones we think are the good guys.

100% he will try to come back, stay strong 💐

Some of the best advice I received during divorce was to treat it like a business transaction.
courts don’t care about affairs etc
you need to be coolly focused on what you must do to secure your best outcome (while seeing if you can’t be the arch manipulator who uses his guild against him to try and get him to come after less - you are after all the breadwinner so it could be you providing maintenance).
good luck!!!

You need to be careful not to do anything that will look like you were trying to diminish the marital assets

I am sorry you are going through this.

I know this is awful to mention but do you need an STD test?

I agree with pp, a new will, savings temporarily in your name etc.

Hello everyone- apologies for not individual replies am also fielding his texts this morning about what he needs to pop back for

No need for any tests he’s been distant for a while, I am aware that moving assets etc will be deemed a bad move
But am sorting a few bits and pieces as soon as I can

And yes - really this could happen to anyone

A lot of things he needs to pop back for can be bought in ASDA or Boots I'd imagine! 🤣

hi Op - just wanted to jump on and say you're doing brilliantly. I also think it is not helpful to go down the "it won't last" route. Lots of women who have been betrayed in this way spend months / years hanging their happiness on the idea that it will all fall apart, regardless of whether he comes back. My ex is very happy with his current wife as far as I can see - all my wonderful friends were very keen to make this the cornerstone of their support, that she was a hag and he'd be miserable. Try to disassociate yourself from them completely and get v v good advice re the finances. 50/50 is a starting point but it is based on need and with no dependents and retired with a decent pension? Other than half the assets, I can't see that he could claim more than than. I knoiw that's still a huge chunk to give away but try to see it as part of the deal of getting shot of a lying snake.

Your strength is admirable.

This is my biggest regret about my last break up (not married). I allowed him to tell people we’d decided to split, his family also got his story and to this day don’t know what an absolute shit he was. Don’t regret the break up but do regret not controlling the narrative.

Do you go to a family court even when your children are adults and you're both retired? Didn't know that!

@Vretz which family court is interested in adult children?!

@Gingerloaf I would make it clear to him the "pop back" for possessions is one and done and after that he's not welcome at your home. Box anything up he leaves today and send it on to OW house. Means there's no excuse for wafting about at yours...

Hi Op ,
So sorry that you are also going through it . You have had some great advice .

Don't change the locks as he is still a joint owner .

As you no doubt have already experienced you will go through a rollercoaster of emotions ; shock , grief , anger- on repeat .

I would recommend getting a counsellor as this will help you in the long term . Go with who you feel comfortable with as you may not gel with the first .

This is all on him ; he broke your marriage vows , he treated you appallingly and " tested "out the OW relationship rather than being honest with you and having a discussion about what you both want .

You deserved to be treated with respect and you will no doubt know that deep down you would never have hurt him in the same way . It is difficult to get your head around how someone who was your partner in life and with whom you shared a family can deliberately hurt you in this way .

He is "ahead " of you in the respect that this has come out of the blue for you . He has been planning and checking out of the relationship for months . Morally you are streets ahead and you are the decent spouse who has been blindsided by this .

He will have his own narrative as you have already seen as he has to portray you as the " baddie " in the relationship to continue with the belief that he is a decent person .

You have to accept that he has disconnected from you and he is no longer in your corner . As others have said , do not trust anything he says or does . He has been able to throw away a long marriage without barely a second thought .

Surround yourself with a support network of close friends / family and lean on them . Your children are older , but I would try and not let them be your confidants as they will feel torn emotionally even thought they are undoubtedly angry with your H . Look after your mental and physical health as much as you are able to .

Don't rush to make any decisions , you are still in shock . You may decide one way and then change your mind . Nothing is cast in stone . This is your life and you can change your mind as you see fit . Get legal advice but again speak to your solicitor about the pace / timeframe and what points you can pause and catch up emotionally .

You will find it tough going over the next few months but you will find also that your emotions aren't as up and down as time goes on . This is a life changing situation for you and one of the most difficult things you will experience . Yes divorce / separation is now sadly very common , but everyone thinks that it won't happen to them .

You will look back and find that some memories are tainted . I would ask for sone information from your husband about the timeline etc , so you know what you are dealing with . Don't expect him to be completely honest but it may help you to get all the facts together at this stage rather than be blindsided by them coming out at a later date . If you are able to verify any of the facts through a third party , do so . That may not be possible if they met at a shared hobby and you don't know the others .

Take care .

It's still his house. Legally she cannot stop him coming and going until that is no longer true. I don't think anyone has said she should slander him but simply be factual. It would the family court as opposed to a criminal court obviously but hopefully with no dependent children and both having means to support themselves they can work this out with mediation and solicitors. One thing I did get my ex to agree to in the early days before he turned nasty and when he was still feeling guilty was to pay my legal bills. I told him that he had left, he wanted the divorce and he wanted me to make it easy for him. So he paid about two thirds I'd say. And he was desperate for me not to name ow so I used that as leverage too. I don't think it makes much material difference these days but I would have done it out of principle.

Op I am in awe of you. I so often sit here reading similar threads and you can see the person is trying to justify reasons to stay with their waste of space partner who cheats and abuses them and I'm almost wanting to shout at my phone. No leave him, he's never going to be worth it, but you are so strong and inspirational. I love that you're not taking any of his BS. I hope it all works out for you and you find peace and happiness in your future.

So sorry this has happened to you. Many on here have been in the same situation. Mine also left after 20 years to be with his affair partner. (although we did reconcile 5 years later). Just remember that he is no longer your friend. He will try to manipulate you, family and friends into believing his narrative of what’s been happening. The affair for example hasn’t been going on for two months, more likely for a lot longer, but he wants damage limitation, where he keeps his good reputation with others intact. Focus on you - don’t feel guilty about taking what you need from joint accounts, be strong and do what you need to do to make sure you’re okay financially and emotionally. See a solicitor - some give free advice for the first session. You just need to try to be always one step ahead of him and take advantage of these early days. He will be feeling guilty so not as proactive as you in looking into stuff. Good luck OP

I don't have any particular advice as you sre clearly a very strong and able lady. However, I would be sorely tempted to, at the very least, rub chilli peppers into the crotch of all his pants and trousers before returning them. He won't be able to explain the hot burning itching feeling and will walk around scratching himself in places that would embarrass an ape! If you were able to procure a few fleas to put in amongst his belongings, that would also be a blessing.

I didn't say it wasn't his house, nor did I suggest anything along the lines of changing the locks. But OP is entirely within her rights to say he is not welcome there as far as she's concerned and if he refuses to comply with that, when none of his possessions are there, that will just make him look like even more of a shit (were that possible).

Sat here, yet again, astounded at the actions of some men (and women of course). This has happened to a friend of mine. She didn't have a clue. He'd been having an affair for around 18 months before it came out. Apparently, she'd been a nag, stopped him from doing stuff, refused sex blah blah...all utter lies to make himself feel better. He's moved in with the OW (20 years younger than him 😂- can't wait to see how that one pans out when he's 70 and popping pills to keep himself together!)

OP I can't add to the amazing advice you've had already; you seem to have your head screwed on despite being thrown a curved ball. I hope you continue to hold your head high and his life turns to absolute shit. 💐

@Gingerloaf just a message to say you are total life goals! Your composure, sense of humour, ability to meet a horrible reality with such a sense of calm is literally everything I want to be. Best of luck to you - you've completely got this and it's clear it his loss x

"No one falls in love quicker than a narcissist with nowhere to live." Great quote. Been where you are now. It will be an emotional roller coaster but you will get though it and have peace and happiness 😊.

Keep contact to a minimum. As much as you might want to ask and wonder, don’t. Don’t give him a way to find his way back in. If he wants stuff, leave it on the doorstep. Play on his guilt while he has it because it won’t be around for long when he realises you are not jumping to his every whim. He doesn’t get to be near you or the house when he’s done what he’s done. Keep it short and say what you need will be outside so pick up and go

OP, you sound very cool, calm and collected

My DH and I are happy and well-suited. At least I think so. But, I wouldn't want to be with a DH who didn't think he was the luckiest man alive to have me in his life. So, if he had an affair, I'd be upset but marriage would be game over, immediately. And, it helps that I know I could live a happy and fulfilling life on my own. Your approach sounds quite similar

The best revenge is a life well lived. The relationship with affair partner may last, or it may not. Who cares?! Nothing to do with you now. Don't be hanging around waiting and watching, hoping to gloat if it ends. That'll give the impression you're still invested in his life