Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Thank you one and all

I am sure it will be a roller coaster of emotions but I am stubborn enough not to give him the satisfaction of explaining away what he has done

I salute you one and all for your support and advice

If Relevant - Change your will TOMORROW

Not that you should be bothered about what other people think OP, but FWIW, I don't think many people believe the "oh she was such a nag, there was NO WAY I could have avoided an affair... sob sob" type stories. Most people think that those who have extramarital affairs are, at best, stupid and untrustworthy, and at worst, absolute scum. I've met people before who I thought seemed quite nice, and could potentially be friends, but distanced myself from them dramatically once I found out how they cheated on their husbands / wives 😬. And I know I'm far from the only one who thinks this way.

@NotSoHotMess24
As people can tell from this post I am usually described as a strong woman and we all know that means that when convenient this is turned out as she’s bossy/ interfering etc
So in a weird way I am aware that I will be painted as something and true friends will know the truth
I am accepting that friends will ‘take sides’ and I may have a few surprises along the way in terms of who says what

But I do thank you for your perspective because in the past I would beat myself up for being ‘too much’ but then someone called me a ‘force of nature’ and I liked that label - might scare the shit out of some but actually it’s nothing to apologise for. I am of an age where I know myself - the warts and the fabulousness!!

This.

OP, I'm sorry this happened. However, I think that when you get over the initial shock that you will be quite happy that he is gone. The OW will not be pleased to be stuck with him longterm.

Well done OP for your practical nature, it will serve you well.

Employ a rottweiler, move money out of his way and make bloody sure he doesn't get one penny more than you can keep from him.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

What a dickhead. I'm so glad you're dumping his stuff in the outhouse. He belongs there himself. I hope he leaves and just gives you the divorce without fucking about.
Life will be better without the burden of him round your neck. New chapter. Time to focus on your own needs and wants. He can fuck himself.

@Gingerloaf

I think you are marvelous! You have a great handle on this situation and will come through with flying colours.

I've been married a bit longer than you and we're both retired. And as much as I tell myself and the world that never in a million years would my DH cheat, after all the MN "I never would have guessed" threads, I must admit there's a teeny corner of my brain that occasionally admits a slight possibility. Not for any specific reason or behaviour, but simply because so many women have been blindsided.

@AcrossthePond55
Although I say it myself he is someone who has looked after himself and doesn’t look his age - the widow must have been delighted when he rocked up
In retirement I encouraged him to join new groups and have hobbies different to mine ( we all need space)
Clearly this has magnificently backfired
Keep with the spider antenna alert - only 3 days ago he nagged me into booking a holiday - so have the joys of cancelling all that

I really wish I had read the script and considered my situation

Can you keep the holiday and take the kids, some mum & kid bonding might be very comforting for you all. You can all post happy photos and show the dick head what he’s missing.

@Mmmmminteresting
kids grown and in their own relationships
He did actually suggest as he was leaving that I could take someone else
I prefer the money in my pocket than a holiday where we were happy

I am so very sorry this happened to you.

I can't stand cheats male or female and this could apply to either, but I'll give a mans point of view on the wee boy here. I've come across loads like it, you'll be amazed how many brag about it like they're fuckin clever thinking you'll be impressed by it.. two minutes later they're asking after money, wanting you to buy a car, doing business, whatever. Like fuck off ye treacherous cunt, if that's how you treat your wife hows a man gonna trust you? I don't wanna be even seen with you, let alone involved.. I'd imagine that's just the same for women too.

Anyways, 2 months is horseshit, it's been way longer but the boy's on damage control, still thinkin he's the hero an all. If anything that day 2 months ago he thinks someone both you and he know but is more friends with you than he, that he got spotted with his fancy bit and that you either know or are gonna find out. He's setting up his story trying to make sure it's watertight is all.

Oh I know those words.
Especially prick - as in, “they ruined a good one when they put ears on him.”
You hang in there.
Remember, he’s her problem now.

The best and most aggressive solicitor will ensure she gets her rights. I stand over that.

England and Wales are no-fault divorce jurisdictions now.

Divorce is no longer about assigning blame or bad mouthing the other party to the marriage. It isn't about alleging abuse. It is about securing your finances, first, second, and last.

She does not need his cooperation. She needs a very experienced solicitor who will do history her utmost to see she doesn't lose out financially because of the behaviour of a weak man.

@UndercoverBeardOperator
thank you for your insight
I have been wondering about the time etc and why he has revealed it now
He did have to pause and work out how long it had been going on - in the grand scheme of things it’s pointless to ponder
He has spent a good 2 months following the script - and like a mug I missed the signs
He spoke about this woman and even had me meet her at an event

When I asked him today if he was in a better place and more positive - this was because he had been helpful. In one Conversation recently I said to him you never ask me about me, what I think etc so suddenly he asked me what book I was reading. I was surprised - that was a new thing for him and I thought he had taken on board what I had said. All
part of the script so just goes to show
Friemds are suitably gobsmacked

He’s an asshole. A sad, typical cliche who is about to discover that the grass actually isn’t greener. 6 months max and he will try and slither back. Oh and if she’s on here? She’s vile. We all know that.

@Holidaysrule I don’t even think it will be 6 months - this maybe me wishful thinking but at the moment I don’t think he fully comprehends what he’s done
Clearly being led by his dick and eventually when she ‘nags’ about the cup on the side not in the dishwasher he may realise such conversations are normal

His beautiful,clever,funny kids are devastated
when reality hits it will hit hard

Exactly! Of course she hadn’t had to nag him to load the dishwasher—they don’t live together and it’s been 5 seconds!

Once reality sets in and he realises that most partners expect you to pick up your shit—this is the norm! What an idiot.

And the snoring…was he ever with her overnight before?

I sense some hard reality checks coming down the tracks….

@CowTown
not been with her overnight

Lol

Maybe after their first night, she’ll realise and try to send him back!

When my husband did something similar I was out of my mind with grief … but still changed my will immediately to ensure that if anything happened to me he wouldn’t benefit.

although most of the people here are pushing for immediate divorce, have a really good look at the whole picture … in divorce everything gets split. If for instance you have good pensions and love your mortgage free house, why have to leave and pay him off … redecorate and stay put is an option!

all the best.

@Tumbler2121

Many thanks - I will
be taking legal advice to ensure that nothing bites me on the bum later down the line but that does not mean I will rush to divorce
The house is big and ultimately would be sold - I could cope with smaller
The irony is I will be the one taking the finacial hit but judging by the reaction of the kids and some friends - the money may not be all it’s cracked up to be, he’s lost more than money at this point

I do appreciate your opinion because this is uncharted territory for me and so far everyone has been very supportive and helpful

So sorry but wish you well. Sounds like you're on it and will be all the happier in the end. Live life to the full that's the best way to piss him off.

The script is often be grumpy and horrible or worse then you will either leave or ask them to leave so its not their fault as they haven't made the decision