Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Terrible shock OP, you’ve had some great advice, I came on to say you don’t ever have to worry about wiping his arse or dealing with declining mental health and the heartache and relentless, selfless effort and sacrifice that requires - all very sad but he’s wrecked the marriage and just remember no one nags unless someone needs nagging!

It's slightly terrifying reading this thread, as the OP is basically being encouraged to construct a slander campaign (which will backfire in a family court if her 'DH' claims abusive behaviour) and declare all out war.

Yes, he's an idiot, but the OP needs to handle it with maturity, stick to the facts that he's had an affair, and recognise that she needs his co-operation for a low cost, straightforward divorce. If she becomes acrimonious, only the 'aggressive' solicitor wins, because it will end up with getting 40% of the pot, her DH getting the other 40%, and the solicitors getting the remaining 20% in fees.

That doesn't mean defend him. It doesn't mean he's getting away with it. It means he's no longer your friend, but ALSO not your enemy.

That's so disrespectful of him. I'm really sorry you're hurt but think you have a much brighter future ahead of you without him.

@Livinghappy
Thankyou for sharing the link to "The Script".

I felt physically sick reading the intricate detail of it, it's so cruel.

So sorry, OP. What a shock. Stay strong.

@Timeisnevertimeatall

Thankyou for sharing. I hate to admit it but you are absolutely right. Greyrock will be OP's friend, I hope she baffles the b@$7@RD with her coolness and detachment.

@vretz thank you for your reflections

in on my mind I have constructed a few scenes but they will remain there and not be visible- no intention of giving him the pleasure of saying ‘told you she was a mad bitch’

It will take will power and a few whiskies but luckily the small number of friends who I have had to tell are so shocked they won’t fall for the ‘nag’ story

And I am sure OW will loose patience with the mug being left on the top of the dishwasher, the wet towel on the floor, the constant need for an ego boost etc

My ex had a multi-year relationship with a girl and a baby with her before he told me he wanted a divorce.
But he said he wanted things to “stay as they were” — me in one state and he in another. Of course, I didn’t know about the the girl & the baby.
I was worried that he’d file for divorce in the state that he was living so I hired an attorney and filed in my state. That infuriated him.
He kept me in court for ages out of pure spite.
I ended up paying my attorney $85,000 in 1993 money which would be $184,809 today.
At the very end, I learned about the girl and the two-year-old toddler.
Just divorce his ass, protect your assets and close the door on this shitty chapter of your life.
You’ll be better for it.
Sending love from California. ❤️

@Gingerloaf

OP, this has already been mentioned, but you have had his youth, the best of him. All the OW will have is his old age.

Well done for telling your children before he gets his side in. Enjoy your wine tonight OP and get legal advice tomorrow.

How old is she? Has she considered that she is going to have him for his declining years and you escape all that caring?

Midlife crisis or not, he had a choice and he made a bad one.

There was a really good thread a few years ago by someone called the Formidable MrsC who documented everything she did during her divorce, including getting a SHL (shit hot lawyer). A lot of people found it helpful so it might be worth a read.

Sorry this has happened to you, You sound calm and possibly in shock. Are you ok?

@DreamTheMoors - wow what a prick he was

I genuinely think he has no clue what he has done and whilst the grass will be greener for a short while he has already spoken to the kids and they said he sounded sheepish
He has been a prize prick / twat / pillock
( those words may not be used in the states but I bet you can guess them)

kindest regards from here

You sound weirdly relived? I hope you are ok as you sound amazing, but almost excited by your new chapter already.

He's an old fool and everyone will be laughing at him especially is she's younger it's just so sad.

I hope your adult kids will be there for you.

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe
thank you for your concern. If anything it now all makes sense - he has been weird lately and coming out with the script and so now I am reflecting on little things he said and did and realise that it was all headed this way

Perhaps it’s shock because when he said he was seeing someone else I laughed and said stop mucking around
He he did look away and shamefaced
He’s full of bravado now but hasn’t the strength of spirit to cope with the fallout
And weirdly - I am done with this shit

So he's retired so going to be hanging around the OW all day. Unless he's wealthy the bloom will go off the rose fast.

They're such fools, all she has left to look forward to is the leavings.

@Gingerloaf good on you! You sound happy to be rid tbh and I’m sure the ow will regret it once she’s picking up his pants from the floor and having him snore in her ear! Nothing like reality to restore a bit of karma!

So sorry that you’re going through this OP.

The adrenaline of the shock will wear off so take plenty of time to cry, scream, punch pillows and call him the most horrendous names under the sun you can think of.

Good that you got all his stuff out of the house and hopefully he won’t try to get back in in a few day/weeks when the novelty of going home to the OW wears off and he’s realised what a fuck up he’s made. If you’re clear you’re not having him back (I wouldn’t under any circumstances!), can you get the divorce underway asap and see what legal mechanism can prevent him trying to move back in? I don’t think you’d get an occupation order although I seriously think betrayed spouses should be able to get one in these circumstances as being forced to live in the same home as someone who’s caused you great emotional distress should qualify!

I hope when the dust settles, you come out with a new, more enjoyable lease of life. It may take a while to get there but you can.

Agree be clear with your DCs that their father decided to cheat on you, betray you and leave you for another woman and there’s absolutely no going back from that.

@startstopengine
I do t think she’s younger
He met her through a hobby this year and so I have heard her name but don’t twig

She's a widow - I even met her recently and now could not pick her out of a line up she’s that non descript

I’ve been thinking of Huw Edwards’ wife over the last few days too. I hope she’s coping as well as the OP, who is clearly brilliant and nobody’s fool.

I'd change the locks in case she chucks him out down the line.

A lot of my friends say theirs a button that gets pressed when a man turns 60 and they turn into grumpy old gits. That's where the expression Merry Widow came from.

@BossMadam - great username

He has gone to her house and so unlikely to return
I will instigate proceedings as soon as I can because I deserve better than this - and the anger is about the deceit and manipulation
I knew I wasn’t going mad but he’s had a good go at it

Stay strong OP, you are awesome. The betrayal is so painful but you will come out of this with a new perspective and appreciation of the freedom you have gained, never having to listen to the snoring again, watching what you want on the TV, going where you want, when you want, with who you want, not doing his dirty laundry, clearing up after him.
Glad you have felt strong enough to bag up his stuff to get it out of the house, it’s so cathartic. Like putting out the rubbish. Sending hugs 💐

wow what an incredible strong lady you are. You are doing all the right things. After such a really long time together it will be hard for you but trust me you will find your wings and fly so much higher than you did . He is most def having a mid life crisis and I have no doubt he will soon realise that the other side is not any greener and come begging for you to take him back. By then you will be soaring above him and enjoying life too much to even see him.
take care and stay Strong