To think I am doing the right thing not having children

[Starfish89]

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

Entirely up to you.
You don't need a reason

You’re talking as if you’re ancient. You’re no older than lots of my friends still having first children. Many of them don’t live near parents or have siblings. I have lots of cousins but I never see them and wasn’t close to them growing up.

if you want a baby and think you would be a good parent, go for it! But be quick, because regular periods doesn’t guarantee anything at that age.

Equally you are enough and can buy in support

Can you afford to raise a child without family help?

The other question you need to ask yourself is who would look after the child if something happened to you and your partner? This doesn’t have to be family it could be a close friend.

if you can answer these questions positively go for it. Children don’t need a huge network of people to feel loved. Sometimes the loneliest place is the middle of a crowded room.

I can definitely afford it, but I am trying to think about this entirely from the point of view of the child, not myself. It isn't about help with childcare etc. It's about how the child will feel without children of their own age to grow up with. And how they might feel about it later in life too.

I have a friend who was bereaved and now a single parent to one. I would say that there are mum friends you make along the way from my observation, NCT etc. She's not really in contact with her own family, though she does see her partners family who have older children She has built a huge network of friends so her child is always doing something. She makes a lot of effort to organise things. He has so many toys, lego, craft things at home, if he is at home and not exhausted she sets up craft activities for him etc. He also actively loves breakfast and after school club which is handy for her as she gets to work.

I personally have a brother but am much closer to my girlfriends, they are like family. I don't think being an only child is as isolating at it may have been before and I suspect there may be more only child families.

It is a personal thing though. I don't have children for different reasons and sometimes I grieve for it. In terms of what you do - there is so much! You could focus on FIRE (financial independence, retire early), being auntie to friends children, travel, career, volunteering, learning, study, health and fitness, even fostering on a respite basis for children with disabilities or older young people leaving care if you felt that you did really want to do that.

I think I am currently grieving not having a child. But I think that if I did have a child it might be for selfish reasons. I am trying to bring meaning, connection and more love to my own life. Maybe it is possible to achieve that without having a child though. I don't know.

You're massively overthinking this op
If you are finally stable and can afford childcare then that's the biggest hurdle
Im a single mother to one child
He has loads of friends through his childcare and will no doubt get more once he starts school next month
I barely have any family left and what I do have live miles away

I also worry about having a child with additional needs. I have a colleague who has a child with additional needs and I could not cope with her life and the worry for the long term future.

Also , the things you are worrying about are things we all worry about and can happen to anyone

I've made the choice to be child free for different reasons but it sounds like you'd want a child? My sister was going through IVF at around your age (a bit older) and found out she was pregnant literally on the day her fiancé was taken into ICU. He died before he ever got out of his coma. Her only regret is that he never knew he was going to be a dad. Her wee boy is her best mate and has loads of friends from school etc.

I grew up with my cousins (same age as me) and frankly they were arseholes, we're barely in contact now. But I have friends I've known since I was 7 (39 now).

Family can be built!

Thank you for your reply. I definitely think I could find friends for a child, but do you not worry about what would happen to your child if anything happened to you? Sorry for the sad and morbid thought!

Does your partner have no extended family? Would you rule out having 2?

Don't overthink things

If you want DC have them

You'll meet other parents at NCT groups

Nursery

School

After school and weekend clubs

You'll suddenly be inundated with new people and your DC will never be lonely

It all works out

My son hardly has any family. It is what it is. People I grew up with I never see now. My dad doesn't see his sibling. My dh is an only and very happy. I can't do much about this. I'm not going to force or ask family to have kids and I'm not having another. I think with families becoming smaller alot will be in this situation.

No unfortunately he doesn't. I am not sure I would have time to have two (as in I might have secondary infertility).

If you want a child you will always live with the regret. Honestly. I don't understand fully the urge for children because I've never had that but seeing what my sister and friends went through wanting a child I would say you need to go for it.

Although I am happily childfree, I would say that you don't need "blood relatives" to bring up a child - loads of people don't have them, or they are too sick/old to help.
Do you not have friends? When my friends' children were young I would regularly drive 2 to 4 hours to look after them, as well as giving the usual presents, contributing to savings, taking on trips, and actually being named as potential legal guardian for one of them. Your friends are the most important people in your life, and become your "family".

I feel you’re overthinking it. If you don’t want a child for whatever reason then that’s of course fine, but if you do, then I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t. Many people don’t have family close by. There’s you and your partner who will provide care, and your child will have plenty of opportunities to make friends and push with others in nursery, playgroups etc.

None of the issues you mention are real barriers. Most children's grandparents are old, many children don't have cousins nearby, and almost all children spend days at nursery and then at school with other children, and make friends there. Two healthy parents of normal child-bearing age is secure enough.

However your mindset does seem rather gloomy and negative (sorry!) and I would be more concerned about that than the other things.

All a DC needs is a kind loving parent that's it

Having large families nearby can be a nightmare it's definitely not all rainbows and unicorns

You will find your own tribe with DC the same age as yours

Just make sure you live near a decent primary and secondary school that is an important factor

@Starfish89 yes I do worry about what would happen if I die but all parents have this worry. Even people with big families won't necessarily have anyone willing to take on their kids if anything happens . I have friends with many siblings etc who wouldn't want them looking after their kids if the worse happens.

You have a partner, so you wouldn't be a single parent - do you both want a child? Not having a lot of family nearby isn't a barrier - my late husband and I had no direct family in the UK since he was American and I'm Dutch. It was fine - we had a wide circle of friends and our DC didn't lack for family contacts. Even when he died (when the DC were teens) it was absolutely fine as we had an established network of people around us.

My younger DC is disabled - he's 21, this has happened over the last 3 years and is genetic. He is studying for a STEM degree, has just had a year out and worked, he is a published poet. Many things are possible.

Thank you for all the positive responses. I just worry about it from the child's perspective. If their mum and dad are the only blood family they have, will they develop a fear of us dying and leaving them all alone? When I was a child, I knew that if anything happened to my parents, I had an aunty and uncle who would raise me.

I think you are over thinking this. If you want a child then try for one and whatever happens in 20 or 40 years time is for them to worry about.