To think I am doing the right thing not having children

[Starfish89]

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

I think I am coming round to the idea that maybe I could try for a child. Whilst I am still convinced that the 'universe' will punish me, equally it could be kind to me as I (think) I have been quite a decent / nice person and kind to others over my lifetime!

I would feel a whole lot happier if I thought a child was in my future.

Many ways to find a therapist, but fairly easy to start here: www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/using-our-therapist-directory/

Thank you

Oh OP you really really need to have therapy for a good long while, sort out your crippling anxiety and loneliness and sadness, then explore the question of motherhood, and then make the decision. There's just no point at all going over this question and seeking opinions on Mumsnet - you have to work on yourself and get to a good place before you can make the decision. And by the way there isn't a "right" decision, so even with therapy you're not going to get to a point where you know for certain whether or not you "should" have a child. But you will be okay with the uncertainty once your mental health is stable. You massively need therapy for your own sake as well, not just so you can get to the point of deciding on parenthood or not. And you really, really need to sort your mental health out for any future child you do go ahead and have, if that's what course you end up taking. Good luck x

You are right. I really need some help. Something is seriously wrong with me at the moment. I have become so scared to be alive. Everything feels overwhelming. My future seems doomed whatever I do. I think I might be depressed. I am also an extremely ungrateful person because there is good in my life.

The universe doesn’t reward kindness just as it doesn’t punish unkindness, though, OP. A child isn’t a consequence of your own good or bad behaviour, and I think you should definitely explore in therapy your belief that you are somehow more likely to have a child with a disability, especially if you think this is ‘punishment’.

You talk a lot about how ‘small’ your life is, and how comparatively few people are in it. Can I ask what is stopping you going out and making the friends that would enlarge it?

What a crazy post. None of those reasons are insurmountable and why would you die before the child is an adult?

My parents had my brother at 38/39 and he's now nearly 30 and they are still very fit and healthy (touch wood).

I live abroad from my family and brought up my daughter with paid help and she turned out well 🤷‍♀️

Oh yes, absolutely. I know that life isn't fair and that bad things can happen to good people too. Maybe it is the random nature of life which I struggle with.

I am doing better on the friend front than I was previously. A lot better actually. I am a quiet kind of person so it can be difficult to find my 'tribe' so to speak, but I am working on it and it is growing.

I don't think it's a crazy post though? I'd like to think more thoughtful and considerate. Nothing I have suggested is outside the realms of possibility, and if it did happen, would have a huge negative impact on a child's life. It isn't crazy to consider that.

I think I recognise your posts under different usernames OP posting under about very similar topics.

I really think extensive counselling and in particular CBT therapy would be beneficial for you. I can understand you seeking reassurance but you seem in this constant cycle of excessively seeking reassurance but all this does is reinforce the cycle of obsessive thoughts. All it does is temporary provide relief before the cycle starts again.

I work in elderly social care and every family I meet are completely different. I come across people in their late 90s who don't need care and people in their 60s who do. I've met older people who are only children who are very fulfilled and people who have siblings and children who are isolated and lonely.

You seem almost resolute in the belief that siblings and children will prevent you being in lonely in life. This couldn't be further from the truth. Having a small life doesn't come from having a small family, it comes from not having community or connections around us, all that is in your power. I think there's loads of benefits of being an only child and having one. It probably provides more motivation to provide more socialisation and build connections outside the family unit.

You also seem fixated on this idea of having a disabled child. You can have a child of disabilities at any age, it isn't something that is exclusive to older mums. Yes the risks increase but the vast majority of older mums have healthy babies.

There's no right or wrong age to have a child. So many people get completely focused on that children born to older parents will be carers to their parents at a younger age. It works both ways, I've seen clients chilren in their late 60s/70s juggling caring roles, grandchildren and elderly parents and it looks absolutely hellish. Many of them say they can't enjoy their retirement. There's no ideal situation to be a carer.

I'm waffling a lot now but I really hope you get the support you need to make whatever decision you feel is best. But you should ensure you are having a baby for the right reasons not as some sort of cure for your own anxieties or lonelieness.

Well, then, why not see continuing to work on that as another way of making a more peopled life in a way that is beneficial to you, as you are, and to a potential child? Having/not having blood relatives is something you can do nothing about for a potential child. Having good friends around you, modelling healthy, mutually beneficial friendships, having a household open to outside influences/personalities, having people around for food or to stay/having an enjoyable, varied life — these are absolutely all things you can make happen, again, whether it’s for your own benefit or a possible future child’s.

Thank you @Commonblue I haven't actually posted under different usernames, however I have seen similar threads on this topic and it was those which prompted me to start worrying as I suddenly realised my situation was the same, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I am grateful for you replying to me and posting your thoughts on the matter. Would you be so kind as to provide a little more detail on how your elderly clients with little or no family find fulfillment in their later years? Thank you again.

They find fulfillment through friends, hobbies and being involved in local activities and communities.

I honestly don't believe this obsession and fetishism with the nuclear family is healthy for us as a society. We seem to have lost our way in actually connecting with our community and it's these connections that actually add to a richer life and prevent lonlieness.

Too many people have children to think it'll prevent them being lonely or have more than one children thinking they'll have each other or won't be lonely. But families move away, siblings don't get always get on and if you've made no or little effort to socialise outside of your family and think that can family can meet all your needs, then this can lead to a lonely life.

I think the lack of family is not such an issue, but the anxiety will make it very difficult.
But anxiety can be resolved or at least tamed.
If you learn strategies to get your anxiety under control, it's a win win, you'll either find you are happy without a baby, or you'll find you are in a good place to nurture one.
Can you commit to 3 months of therapy (or some other timeline) before thinking about baby/no baby? Something like CBT or something else that teaches you to manage anxiety.
Plus tons of exercise & healthy eating, cutting out caffeine etc (helps regulate your anxiety, and if you do decide to have a baby you'll be physically ready, and if you don't it will feel good anyway).

Absolutely I agree with this. I wish society was more like it was during my grandparents time. They had a great network of friends, neighbours looked out for each other and there were places to meet, like social clubs. In addition, they were also from big families who lived close by. Their lives were completely different to mine.

However, to our generation's benefit (if we use it correctly) we do have the internet now which can be good for making connections, especially if they lead to meeting up with people in real life.

It's interesting to think about. I don't know if life has become in some ways more 'selfish' now, and more about image. There's that phrase 'my little family' and people posting on Instagram about perfect family life. It can make you feel like a failure if you don't have that. Like that is the perfect way to live your life and not having that makes you an outsider / less worthy / deserving of any lonliness which is coming down the line for you.

But, respectfully, there you go again, wishing for something you can’t have (a life like your grandparents’), rather than focusing on what you can do to have the kind of more peopled and connected life you want.

Also, OP, you’ve said on a number of occasions that, though you’re working on expanding your circles, your life is currently quite ‘small’. Are you basing your opinions about ‘my little family’ etc on Instagram? That bears absolutely no resemblance to peoples lived experience.

But Instagram and the like are only snapshots into a person's life and more often than not not the real picture. I know many people in real life who post about having a the perfect "little family" when I know the reality is far from perfect.

And I don't think wishing back to our grandparents time is beneficial either. And would you really want to go back to their time? All my grandparents had big families too, but they all lived in cramp conditions, outside toilets, money and jobs were scarce and they all lived through a world war. And it still didn't stop them living alone as they got older. It certainly wasn't this big Walton-esque experience.

A child born into a small family isn't going to have a lesser childhood than one born into a big family. You say yourself you had uncles and cousins that didn't add anything to your life. What's to say it would have been any different if you had your own siblings? My own two siblings don't speak to me and my son has a wonderful life with plenty of people around him who love him and most of them aren't blood family. My own cousin is an only child and she had a small wedding and in fact none of her own cousins were invited to it because she has so many close friends who are family to her that she invited over us!

You seem to have this untangled web of anxieties and I can understand them but I think you need serious counselling to help you work through them. I think it's quite a depressing thought to have a child as some sort of companion to stave off loneliness in old age. What if they want to move away? Our children aren't responsible for our happiness, we nuture them so they can be responsible, independent adults when they grow up.

And just another thought. Children can be lonely whatever their set up. I had a twin so a built in playmate from birth and I still have clear memories of spending a lot of time playing on my own (which I didn't mind!) and at times feeling lonely because me and my twin didn't have a lot in common. And I don't view these things as a bad thing.

I'm childfree by choice so never wanted kids but if you want children I would say you are overthinking things. Also have you posted threads like this under a user name called @strawberriesandpears? They look very familiar.

I thought they were the same person too as their posts on other threads are very similar. I really hope you get the help you need OP.

DH and myself have no wider family. We have one child, now grown, that has been such a blessing for both of us. It was hard in the early years with no help, but I made mum friends and DC had endless mates over and sleepovers. They now have a partner, own home and a great job and continue to make good friends - they don't want kids - enjoy their freedom so much. They continue to be a joy and delight to us as well as having a great life themelves. Don't overthink yourself into childlessness - you can choose to take part in the particular adventure that is motherhood.