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Original poster

To think I am doing the right thing not having children

222 replies

Starfish89 · 29/07/2024 17:44

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

OP posts:
KateMiskin · 07/09/2024 20:46

Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 19:22

Oh yes, definitely. I understand that. And I absolutely know that the reasons I want children are all wrong - some to love me, so that I am not all alone in my old age etc. To 'fit in' with society more, to meet new people through my children etc. None of it is right, and deep down I know that, but it doesn't stop the longing.

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Surely everybody, or lots of people, have children for these reasons. Why are they so wrong? Everybody wants to give and get love.

Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 20:54

GingerBeverage · 07/09/2024 20:45

What steps are you taking to address the causes of your underlying mental health issue (which sounds like chronic anxiety)? Because this level of over-thinking, gnawing away at ideas, finding multiple negative what-if scenarios, it cannot be good for you.

It certainly isn't good for me. I have thought of counselling but don't really know where / who to turn to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 21:00

girljulian · 07/09/2024 20:36

Absolute knobheads have kids OP. And they don’t think about it for a second. You’ll be grand.

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I know. I recently heard of someone having a child for an absolutely ridiculous reason (benefits related) and it broke my heart to think they felt they could do that, whilst I feel I can't because of my anxiety and lack of family.

OP posts:
nearlyfreefromnappies · 07/09/2024 21:21

Have a baby. Go to groups during maternity and make friends with babies. When they start school, make friends. My closest friends and support network are the parents of my eldest child. You are overthinking this!

Newsenmum · 07/09/2024 21:22

Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 17:04

I do think having a child could bring happiness to my life, however I have convinced myself that the child would be disabled and require life long care and that I would worry about them to my dying days. The reason for this is that it would ultimately be selfish for me to have a child and the 'universe' would respond by punishing me and my child.

Why do you think that? I really think you need to get some therapy. This is absolutely in your power now.

KateMiskin · 07/09/2024 21:25

Yes, you are overthinking. I don't recommend having a child to stand by you in your old age or make you happy. Quite possible they may move far away, or not make you as happy as you thought. But I don't think it is unreasonable to have child for a feeling of community, belonging, purpose, love. I may also be overly optimistic, but I believe the majority of children love their parents, and vice versa, though circumstances may keep you apart.

Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 21:32

Newsenmum · 07/09/2024 21:22

Why do you think that? I really think you need to get some therapy. This is absolutely in your power now.

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I think I believe this because I have read a lot of threads online which talk about people having children to stop them being lonely, only to find they make their lives lonelier because they are disabled and they have to spend all their time fighting for their child. I've somehow got it into my head that this is the fate that awaits me and my potential child.

OP posts:
Snowdrops17 · 07/09/2024 21:33

Why not try have 2 then they have each other ?

Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 21:38

Snowdrops17 · 07/09/2024 21:33

Why not try have 2 then they have each other ?

I agree that would be ideal, but what if number 1 is healthy and number 2 is not. Would number 1 feel responsible for number 2 after we die?

OP posts:
Chillimuma · 07/09/2024 21:40

You’re definitely over thinking it. I have family but they don’t do regular childcare.

if you want a baby have one! And start cracking

FlaggyShore · 07/09/2024 21:45

OP, I remember your other thread/s. Bluntly, go and find an excellent therapist and do a fuckton of work. Because you keep posting the same thing, and are clearly thoroughly stuck and with a lot of limiting beliefs and that seem to be dominating your thinking. All your threads seem to want people to convince you you’re ‘right’ not to have a child, but then you complain the idea of being old and alone makes you frightened and sad. You need to make a decision from a place of stability and live with the consequences of that decision, whether you choose to try to have a child or not. If you choose to have a child you will need to engage with that child, whatever he or she is like, able-bodied or not, and engage with the world for and with that child, dealing with the parenthood stuff you find easy and the stuff that is hard, and the discovery that being a parent can be lonely. If you choose not to have a child, you will need to deal with your own ambivalence and possible grief about that, and find other ways to engage with the world if you worry about loneliness.

Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 21:54

FlaggyShore · 07/09/2024 21:45

OP, I remember your other thread/s. Bluntly, go and find an excellent therapist and do a fuckton of work. Because you keep posting the same thing, and are clearly thoroughly stuck and with a lot of limiting beliefs and that seem to be dominating your thinking. All your threads seem to want people to convince you you’re ‘right’ not to have a child, but then you complain the idea of being old and alone makes you frightened and sad. You need to make a decision from a place of stability and live with the consequences of that decision, whether you choose to try to have a child or not. If you choose to have a child you will need to engage with that child, whatever he or she is like, able-bodied or not, and engage with the world for and with that child, dealing with the parenthood stuff you find easy and the stuff that is hard, and the discovery that being a parent can be lonely. If you choose not to have a child, you will need to deal with your own ambivalence and possible grief about that, and find other ways to engage with the world if you worry about loneliness.

Thank you, I agree with what you are saying. I think ultimately the problem is I find both options sad. If I have a child, I am sad for them having so little family and potentially ending up alone. If I don't have a child I am sad for myself ending up alone. It seems like a no win situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 22:10

By the way, I am sorry for starting the thread and seeking opinions. The only reason I do it is that I have very few people to chat through these kind of worries in real life. I find it useful to have the opinions of a wider range of people. My life is quite 'small' if that makes sense. I have to spend a lot of time in my own head.

OP posts:
FlaggyShore · 07/09/2024 22:14

Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 21:54

Thank you, I agree with what you are saying. I think ultimately the problem is I find both options sad. If I have a child, I am sad for them having so little family and potentially ending up alone. If I don't have a child I am sad for myself ending up alone. It seems like a no win situation.

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But this is all about your limiting beliefs, @Starfish89. Find that therapist. Neither having a child nor choosing not to have a child anre any kind of magic solution to your sense of your own lack. Both choices will involve courage.

Like you, I had a horror of giving birth, because of trauma sustained in an episode of CSA. I had to deal with that. And lots of other things. I had a lot of negative scripts from childhood that I didn’t want to pass onto my child. Choosing to have a child was a far from easy decision for me, and I conceived the first month of trying, although DH and I were working apart and only had sex twice, which was a huge shock. I had to take the decision in the belief that I would be strong enough to mother this child well, and bring him up to independence, and that the life we could offer him was good enough. And if I’d chosen not to have a child, I would have had to come to terms with the consequences of that, too. You can’t do that from a place of lack.

KateMiskin · 07/09/2024 22:15

Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 22:10

By the way, I am sorry for starting the thread and seeking opinions. The only reason I do it is that I have very few people to chat through these kind of worries in real life. I find it useful to have the opinions of a wider range of people. My life is quite 'small' if that makes sense. I have to spend a lot of time in my own head.

You certainly don't need to apologise for starting this thread. Surely that's what MN is for! I wish you peace whatever decision you make.

KATHSTYLE · 07/09/2024 22:18

Starfish, you are so thoughtful and considerate.

Please, if you would like to have a baby go ahead and do it. Don't over think it.

You won't be the only family at nursery/ school with an only child and no family support, You can make friends with lovely families near you and make your own support network together along with fun traditions for your kids to enjoy.

If you do go ahead, I hope you and your partner have a wonderful - rich and happy - family life. I hope you live to a ripe old age and see your child grown and flown with their own partner and family - and you could be a loving, involved, helpful and hands-on granny.

Do it!

Good wishes to you xx

FlaggyShore · 07/09/2024 22:20

Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 22:10

By the way, I am sorry for starting the thread and seeking opinions. The only reason I do it is that I have very few people to chat through these kind of worries in real life. I find it useful to have the opinions of a wider range of people. My life is quite 'small' if that makes sense. I have to spend a lot of time in my own head.

You’re right to seek help, but it sounds as if you’re circling the same set of worries in a way that’s not progressing your thinking about this…?

KnickerlessParsons · 07/09/2024 22:21

How about if you have two children, or more? Then they'd have each other.

KateMiskin · 07/09/2024 22:22

Most of my friends in London have only children, and they are happy, well-adjusted, and certainly not lonely. Many are immigrants with no family near, and they are still fine!

Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 22:54

KATHSTYLE · 07/09/2024 22:18

Starfish, you are so thoughtful and considerate.

Please, if you would like to have a baby go ahead and do it. Don't over think it.

You won't be the only family at nursery/ school with an only child and no family support, You can make friends with lovely families near you and make your own support network together along with fun traditions for your kids to enjoy.

If you do go ahead, I hope you and your partner have a wonderful - rich and happy - family life. I hope you live to a ripe old age and see your child grown and flown with their own partner and family - and you could be a loving, involved, helpful and hands-on granny.

Do it!

Good wishes to you xx

Thank you very much, that's so kind of you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 23:02

FlaggyShore · 07/09/2024 22:20

You’re right to seek help, but it sounds as if you’re circling the same set of worries in a way that’s not progressing your thinking about this…?

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I agree. I am finding it very hard to move forward on this. It is dominating my thoughts every moment of the day (and night actually, as it often creeps into my dreams).

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 07/09/2024 23:12

I don’t have a big family and all our parents were 70+ when they became grandparents. We have 2 dc and they have a good life - they have friends and we do too. We have some family but not loads and no support in terms of babysitting.

no obvious person to have our dc if we both died - my db is guardian but I suspect he would seriously struggle as a parent! The dc are 10 and 12 now. We are getting out of the childcare years and we have managed - it would have been easier with family but we both have flexible jobs and good childcare.

you don’t need a reason not to have kids but I can’t see your situation as a problem. It’s really easy to make friends when you become parents, if that’s what you want. You come into contact with many parents and some of them you will click with.

Pollypocket81 · 07/09/2024 23:16

Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 17:04

I do think having a child could bring happiness to my life, however I have convinced myself that the child would be disabled and require life long care and that I would worry about them to my dying days. The reason for this is that it would ultimately be selfish for me to have a child and the 'universe' would respond by punishing me and my child.

These are the sort of thoughts that therapy would be able to help you work through.

Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 23:19

Pollypocket81 · 07/09/2024 23:16

These are the sort of thoughts that therapy would be able to help you work through.

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Oh are they? That is good to hear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starfish89 · 07/09/2024 23:22

I think when I look at my own situation, I can see that it hasn't been the 'ideal' I want to offer my potential child. Even though I have a couple of uncles and cousins, they have not really added anything much to my life. We are not close. If we had had family friends who we were close to, that would actually have been better than blood relations I have little in common with.

OP posts: