To think I am doing the right thing not having children

[Starfish89]

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

Your child will have their own friends and may well marry into a larger family. Like cats have two 😀

I don't think I have health anxiety right now, but I do think I might develop it.

Oh yes, I agree. Absolutely I do, and I know that is very wrong of me.

what percentage of the 8 billion people in the world were born into the high standards you are setting for an acceptable situation in which to raise a child?

with two healthy loving parents in a first world country, your potential future child has already won the lottery. (no offence to any single parents out there, but with two worries about the parent dying young or becoming incapacitated or destitute are much less likely to come to pass!)

I don;t have any family nearby- they are all scattered and overseas- but I have never thought I would die. I am in my 50s and still don't think I might die ( though of course I might).

I think perhaps a child might cause you to worry even more, and make things difficult.

@StStarfish89 Don't be so hard on yourself, I imagine it's not that uncommon. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't be a good mum and give a child a lovely life.

Op if you, and your partner want a baby, are financially stable, you should go for it. One child with two parents will be more than manageable. We have 2, and no childcare, and little family. I couldn't imagine life without them. I would have regretted not trying.

One child with two loving doting parents, is far better than a family with 3 or 4, who have loads of family, child care, and can't be bothered with them.

You're not so old that you're not going to be there for them as an adult. I don't mean to be depressing, but nobody knows when their time is up no matter of their age. You can go to baby groups, meet friends there, and will meet other school Mums. Honestly op, if we all over thought things like this, nobody would ever have dcs. Good luck!

To be honest, I would really fear birth too. I suffer from anxiety around hospitals / blood / operations - all that kind of thing. I had to have some blood taken at the doctors a while ago and had a panic attack!

I do also wonder if I might be a bit neurodivergent? I know that has become a bit of a 'thing' where loads of people think they might be now, but in my case I suspect there might be something in it. That would increase the chance of me having a ND child. Sometimes I wonder if fate has intervened and saved me from having a child I would struggle with.

I understand where you are coming from, never been maternal or wanted kids but got to late 30’s and constantly wondering ‘what if’? And the being alone when older I also think about, although I realise this is not a reason to have one.

Reason I never did is my arsehole STBX he treated me like the maid and didn’t help with anything and I knew he’d be useless and I’d get really stressed and think I’d of regretted it.

Also had thoughts about if I had a child and it had significant needs and how I would cope, esp as I’d likely be a single parent (even if still with the ex)

I totally get thinking about the what ifs at this age, sometimes I wonder if it’s because we are conditioned that we must want kids. I’m trying to not dwell on it too much now, and enjoy my life as best I can. You could have a child and they grow up and never speak to you, or you could get run over by a bus tomorrow, you just don’t know.

If you have a supportive, hands on partner and you both want a child and are confident he will help and pull his weight, then you could ho for it? I think this is one of the most important things in your decision, particularly if you are a bit on the fence about things.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think my partner is possibly less realistic about how much work parenting is than I am. I may be doing him a disservice, but that's the impression I get.

The reason I grew up with no family is because both of my parents were only children whose parents died (or weren't in the picture) young. They found each other, and a wide and varied community of other people and had a long and happy and fulfilling life with family and friends.

Lots of people who grow up in large families can still find themselves alone down the line, with the need to build a non-blood family and community.

I hope I don't sound unkind, OP, but I think you need some therapy for anxiety. There is no avoiding hospitals with DC.

You could also go on the childfree board here, and find much good advice.

You will find, if you do go for it, that you always worry about the next thing. And it rarely comes to pass. So, you worry if your first child will be healthy and strong and then you worry about whether your second child will make the first feel neglected and then you worry about whether you should have #3.

Worry, or turning over situations to find problems and solutions in your own mind, is part of being human and part of being a parent. The fact you are doing it before even being pregnant tells me you will be a great parent to a lucky child. Society needs thoughtful people to have children.

Finally have you considered the fact your child will eventually make their own family? That they could easily meet a partner from a big clan who welcomes them, have their own kids and experience that happiness later in life? Or have a huge bunch of adult friends. You aren’t guaranteeing them a small family for life, at all.

I have my two parents and brother. Brother is lovely but a distance away, parents are close ad help with childcare and just seeing dc. But that's it. No cousins, no nieces or nephews and dc are fine! They have friends through my friends and have ots of friends at school. I have two dds but even with 1 they would not be lonely as long as you as parents put in a bit of effort.

Thank you. I really can't work out if all my worrying means I would be a good parent or a terrible one!

I must admit that I do feel quite alone in life right now (even though I have my partner and a good friend). It upsets me and it's that kind of upset I worry about putting onto a child in the future.

I wish life wasn't so hard and unpredictable. I think if I could guarantee that my partner and friend would be with me until an old age (and that I could find some other good friends along the way) I would be happy not to have a child. I just want some community and a sense of belonging I think. But maybe that doesn't have to come from a child.

I am just pissing on your chips constantly- I don't mean to- but children are unlikely to rescue you from loneliness. It's very lonely when they are tiny. And can get lonely again when they grow up and leave or have their own lives.

Honestly I was scared to death of birth. It was traumatic, but I think nature has a way of blanking it out, because I did it again (even after explicitly stating in no uncertain terms that I would never ever go through it again!)

Dc1 is ND, and now 7. He is absolutely amazing, and the most funny, intelligent loving little boy I could have ever hoped for. He is a born leader, and i know he would have been perfectly content had he been an only child. Sometimes I think he would have like it better tbh!

We have now realised that dh is ND, which we didn't know before; they're alike. DH is better with dc1 than I am, because he "gets" him, if that makes sense. He knows what to do, because he knows what he would like someone to do if it was him. You will be amazing!

He was a very grumpy baby 😂 and my only regret is not knowing he was ND sooner. I would have done a few things differently at the beginning, if I had have known.

As another pp stated, it is very lonely at the beginning, but there are baby groups and they grow into super cool little people!

Don't worry, you are not. I agree that children are not a cure to loneliness, nor should they be expected to be. They have their own lives to live. It's just scary to think of being old and alone and without anyone who loves you.

There are loads more only children than when we were kids too op. It’s not an “odd” thing, they don’t go around going ooh poor x hasn’t got any siblings rah rah. There’s also way more opportunities for them - clubs, sports. Really easy for them to find their tribe.

Have you got mates with kids? My close friend has an only girl and there is only 12 months in them and my DC - they have been raised like cousins - spent Christmas together, been on holidays and day trips together. It’s v cheesy but friends really are the family we choose.

Hi OP. I grew up an only grandchild (estranged from father's side and my mum had a small family) and had a very happy childhood with lots of friends. Many of my mums friends didn't have children but helped with babysitting etc. Now as an adult I moved abroad and I married someone with a large family so my children will have lots of cousins. I have found being a mum now without nearby family support hard but I know so many people in the same boat these days as families have become smaller in general and people move around and explore the world before settling down.

No problem at all. Not to tell you how to live your life and I’m sure others will be along to say similar but you have to be on the same page and pull your weight equally for it to work I think, not that I’m saying it won’t be hard at times even if you both do, but I imagine it’s incredibly hard when you’re doing everything and feeling unappreciated with a little one.

My ex was very much of the opinion ‘I don’t know why women complain they get to sit about for a year doing nothing on maternity’ and I think he very much had the Disney view of a bath and a bit of play is all there is to it, and it would all be sunshine and rainbows. He also disagreed with men helping with cleaning or occasional night feeds (even when he was on his days off) while the woman was on MAT leave. I am so glad I never had a child with him I know that!

Is it because you only want one child? because that’s what siblings do. Besides, people make their own friends and family. This wouldn’t be a reason for me not to have kids if I was desperate to.

Don't forget OP they might go on to have their own family so they will absolutely not be alone.