To think I am doing the right thing not having children

[Starfish89]

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

Oh my goodness, I am sorry, but I couldn't take that attitude! The job of a parent is for life. And losing parents at only 20 would be incredibly difficult.

No they will not

Honestly they won't ever think this

I was an only child with parents who lived abroad and moved around a lot due to work

We all had a fabulous time with no family around at all

When we settled back in the UK I always had friends from school and my neighbours

I had a lovely simple happy childhood

I was quite feral, active and a Tom boy I suppose but also loved my time alone I doors doing my own thing

I didn't even think k about not having family around or siblings it wasn't on my radar ever

@Starfish89

Oh my goodness, I am sorry, but I couldn't take that attitude! The job of a parent is for life. And losing parents at only 20 would be incredibly difficult.

You really are overthinking things

This sounds like you might have other issues to deal with you're not willing to discuss

People who have kids in their late teens and 20s can have something happen to then as well. Worrying about all these what ifs isn't going to do you any good

You could have next 60 years with a child or only few. Anything can happen to any of us at any point even if you had children in your early 20s. It sounds to be like there is something more going on with your over thinking and perhaps something you need to look into. You are making decisions based on something that might happen or not happen in years to come.

Kids only think about you dying and being left alone if you mention it! They never think about it normally 😳

We have no family nearby. We had to use wraparound care… this meant my kids are 4 years apart so we could afford the childcare. They are close but very different people so who knows if they will keep in touch with each other when they leave home?

I have 4 brothers - we all live 200 miles apart - haven’t seen my nieces and nephews for 2 years - they’re busy and we’re busy. My kids have never missed cousins - mine have friends and hobbies
I have cousins - haven’t seen for 25 years - don’t miss them!

Only you and your partner can make the decision about kids - you need to weigh up why you want them - remember - you can’t choose what you get given - so possible SEND, sex, personality issues to think about (oh, and having no money for the next 21 years!🤣)

Your child would make their own friends.
They'll have their own interests which will generate a social life for them.
There are loads of holiday clubs and activities for children that they won't notice the lack of cousins.
Go for it if you want a child.

I had my first child a month before my 39th birthday and my second one at 41. We didn't have famiy support - my parents were both dead and DH's parents were 300 miles away. It is definitely doable, if you both want a family. And if you are concerned that your child will be on their own a lot, have two. Even with my second child, I was not concerned a risky older mum - that doesn't kick in until about 45, I believe. And your concerns about friends being mainly childless will change as you make new friends who have children (and are of course the parents of your children's friends).

I have a friend who went for counselling to help her unpack her feelings about having children as she wasn't sure. Lots of trauma on both sides of her family.

In the end, she decided not to have children and is really happy with her decision.

Of course it was a joint decision and her partner felt relieved more than anything else.

The only children I know are involved in so many bits and bobs and their parents are involved at the school. You can have a whole network that come as you start your parenting journey. It honestly sounds like you’d regret not having a child. And they’ll always always have you x

If you have the finances and time it may be worth getting some counselling to manage general anxiety. You mention quite a few concerns regarding the unknown; all future is essentially unknown, including parenting and possible children. It's responsible that you are giving various aspects of parenting serious consideration, however much of these considerations seem to be around fears of potential negative happenings.

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're finding this all so difficult. What is your DPs stance?

I don't think many children think about their parents dying while they're young tbh. And you're not yet 40, you'll only be 60 when the child got to 18 if you conceived in the next year or so.

I honestly don't think family is a deal breaker. It's difficult to fit lots of family trips in on top of nursery, clubs and work for many families with small children anyway.

it's not rare to have a child at 35 or after. You are very young. Say you will live until 83 that's 48 years for your kid. By that time they will have a family of their own and you will see your grand kids. They will not be alone. Have the one perhaps even two if you can afford it. friends can be closer then brothers and sisters. But just the one is a good thing.

Last kid at 45.

Thank you for the replies. I am quite surprised so many of you think I should go for it.

That's an easy one. You join the mother's group and meet other mums with kids the same age as your child. A lot of mums meet lifelong friends through their mother's group and the kids grow up together with regular playdates and road trips.

You get to meet people via swimming classes, sensory classes, kids gym, at the park, and your neighbours. It opens you to a new network that was right in front of you that you never knew existed.

Yes is would be awful but the chance of that happening is slim. You’re in your 30s not your 50s.
There’s no reason to think you might suffer from secondary infertility and you’d more than likely have time to have more than one child if you wanted to.

I’m childfree by choice so I definitely don’t think everyone should just have children, but it does sound like you would like a child and would regret it if you don’t. If you have a partner and are financially comfortable that sounds like a good place. You can make friends with children - NCT, antenatal classes, local mum meet-ups, neighbours with children, through your child’s nursery and then school friends etc.

You're massively overthinking this

You could have a baby young and still die

If you want a baby just get on with it

But surely they’ll be with children their own age at nursery and school?

We grew up with family in a different country and it never occurred to me that my uncle and aunt would look after us if my parents died young.

I think one scenario I am scared of is, I have one child, followed by a second in my early 40s. The second child has additional needs (maybe needing life long care) and we then leave a child (number 1) with no family other than a sibling they feel responsible for in later life. There is just so much that can go wrong. I appreciate what people have said that I am looking on the negative side, but these are all possible outcomes.

I’d have a child you sound like you do really want one and almost trying to convince yourself it’s ok if you don’t have one. But honestly the most important family they will have is you and your partner they don’t need a big extended family. And if you had one child you may decide on another and then they will have a sibling and you’ll have your own little family.

There are no guarantees in life unfortunately it's a risk for all parents. Even with blood relatives they might not want to take your child if something happens or they aren't suitable for raising them.

If you are financially secure to set up a will/trust in case something happens that can put you at ease financially your child will not be a burden. Are there any possible god parents candidates in the friendship circle.

It sounds like you want kids.

The chances of something awful happening to both you and your partner is low.

I grew up with almost no extended family (although several siblings) but 2 loving parents is an excellent start in life. My grandparents were all older and provided very little childcare, although I did know one of them better than the others.