To think I am doing the right thing not having children

[Starfish89]

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

@PensivePencil What made you finally decide to go for it, if you don't mind me asking please?

You can't overthink it.
If I can remember the quotes in my pregnancy book correctly...

Children teach you patience when no one else can, having a child is to have a piece of your heart walking around outside your body, being a mother is, when hearing there are 3 slices of pie and 4 people... to declare she never liked pie anyway.

Unless you don't want them or you can't afford it, I doubt a child would regret their existence because they had a small family.

Good luck with your decision, but having children wouldn't bring more sadness, just hard work, but hard work usually brings the most joy.

The only good reason to have a child is because you want one. You have to want the job (parenting) and it has to be selfish in that sense. It sounds as though you have carefully considered whether or not you would make for a good parent, and you want the job.

I agree with others, I don't see any real barriers to having a child in your case. Not having a supportive family, only wanting or having one child, not having cousins etc - these are almost irrelevant details - what matters to children is having stable, mature, loving parents who cherish them.

I have three children (because I wanted to keep having them!) but our family knows lots of single child families and honestly there is no shortage of playmates for only children these days. Some of my children's best friends are onlys and they are all very happy well socialised children.

It is difficult to think about terrible things that could happen to my children, being orphaned amongst them. From personal experience you get to know other parents and their children best after having your own, and this particular concern around what would happen if you died could be resolved that way.

OP you're seeking an external solution to an internal problem. Please prioritise your mental health and seek support before making any momentous decisions.

Best to resolve that first as kids only add to anxiety and test weaknesses in existing relationships.

I don't know if you should have children or not but you should consider seeing someone about your anxiety. If everyone thought like this the human race would cease to exist.

I was born in a dysfunctional family. Dad wasn't there, mum raised me up, no sibling, no close relative. Had a rare illness thoughout most of my early adulthood. But I grew up happily. People can adapt. I think you underestimate how resilient your children will be.

But agree with the poster above me that you should see someone about your anxiety first as it is the real issue here.

My contraception was suddenly unavailable, so we decided to leave things to nature. (There were a lot more conversations than that but that’s it in a nutshell).

I'm still not sure tbh. I was out watching sport with my husband for the day at the weekend and thought ‘this is the last time I’ll be able to do this’, I’m an active social person, and it feels like there’s so much I’ll have to give up. I genuinely like my life at the moment, I’m not sure how friends / family will react either… I don’t know… my husband feels he won’t have fulfilled life (wish he’d said that sooner!) if he doesn’t experience having a child, I can see both sides.

Ds has just married. He was ten when we had DC2 so no siblings close in age as he grew up. DiL is an only child of two only children so is now an adult in your potential DC's situation.
She is not some strange spoilt brat, has loads of friends and has a lovely relationship with he DM. They are currently expecting their first child. It wouldn't surprise me if it isn't their only one. I think only children are far more common now and your 'village' doesn't have to come from DNA links.

It sounds like you already have that anxiety and it is stopping you from having a child you really want. Some counselling might be a good idea. It would be incredibly rare to lose both parents as a child.

Your child will be surrounded by other children. From baby and toddler groups nurseries and schools. It is very common to be an only child but that doesn’t not mean that they will be lonely. You may well make friends with other parents.

OP, you have to understand that people without family nearby and without anxiety, such as myself, do not post about their non-existent anxiety on MN! There is a confirmation bias. The internet, and by extension MN, is full of people with anxiety. That doesn't mean most of us have anxiety. I have blood taken all the time, am in and out of hospitals with no anxiety, but why would I post that?

What is stopping you from having a child is not the lack of family, but your overwhelming anxiety.

I also worry about having a child with additional needs. I have a colleague who has a child with additional needs and I could not cope with her life and the worry for the long term future.

There are never any guarantees on this when you decide to try for a baby, even if you are 25 and fit as a fiddle.

Risk factors for both autism and Downs increase with age. Downs can be tested for. In terms of Autism (speaking as the parent of an autistic child) the biggest factor by far appears to be genetic. If there's neurodiversity in your family, the risk shoots up. I know lots of families with more than one neurodiverse member. So that's something to weigh up.

My kids have their own friends, who they spend most of their time with. I did the same.

The people closest to me are still my friends, at 58 (although I love my siblings dearly!).

What is stopping you from having a child is not the lack of family, but your overwhelming anxiety.

Pretty much this…

OP - I would consider some therapy. You sound over anxious and almost paralysed by decision making and fear. Perhaps some therapy can help you explore these feelings, find a wy to deal with them appropriately, and then you can consider whether or not you want to go ahead with children or not.

Have a child and get some therapy.

Your anxieties and fears over this are not normal and not rational!

Thank you everyone. For those recommending therapy, what should I be looking for please?

I'm currently in therapy for anxiety. It's super common, so most therapists you see probably can help with it. I found mine in the BUPA portal: https://www.finder.bupa.co.uk You should look for someone with some years of experience, a good qualification and preferably mentions in their profiles something like anxiety, CBT or ACT (the latter two are common methodologies for anxiety). The only issue is good therapists are in short supply these days. I had to call about 10 places before finding one with availability, so don't feel disheartened by it. Also most appointments are online these days (I found it's not a big issue).

Thank you for all the replies to this thread. I have been away and done some deep thinking (well more deep thinking!) and I have come to the conclusion that I am a selfish person. The primary reason I want a child is so that I am not alone in old age, and that is not good enough.

I don't have children never wanted them by choice.
I wouldn't ever think I should have one because I will be lonely in old age that's just having kids to use them.
Id rather join a club if I get lonely.
Loads of children born to older parents will be taking care of their parents in the long run it's not fair on them.
I don't mean parents in their 30s early 40 I mean them that are heading in to their 50s.

This is incredibly negative. You do realise that every single person has a child for selfish reasons?Do you actually like babies and children? Please unpick all of this in therapy. It feels like you want to make yourself miserable.

Op I am so sorry that think that about yourself.
One of my parents died recently, and it is my dcs that have kept me going. I don't know what I would have done without them, I'd be a mess! My life would be worse without them, I know because I have lived both. I would have missed out on two amazing little people, who make me smile every day! I am so incredibly pleased that I chose to have them.

I don't particularly like babies or children. I do like family connections though. I realise you can't have the latter without the former. Especially when you are an only child yourself.

I am harsh on myself though, I agree. Sometimes I stand and look in the mirror and visualise myself as a lonely little old lady that nobody cares about and feel I have brought it all on myself.

Op, most people have children for selfish reasons! People procreate because they feel the urge to, thry just want to, no other reason than they personally want a child. Obviously it's best to do so in optimum circumstances, but alot have children in far from ideal situations. You have a loving relationship and are financially stable, which is alot more than alot of children get born into. Yes family support is a blessing, but it's not the end of the world if you don't have it in abundance, especially if you have the funds to outsource childcare. If you want the baby, have the baby. None of my siblings have children and husbands sibling with their cousins is the other side of the world so our kids don't have any child family relations they are close to, but they have an extremely busy social life and made loads of friends locally. Once they start school they are surrounded by other kids all day. Me and dh have also made loads of adult friends through the kids friends parents, which is nice to!

I agree it must be an incredible comfort to have your own children when your parents die. I absolutely dread my parents dying and then being alone. I don't think I will survive it.