To think I am doing the right thing not having children

[Starfish89]

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

There is nothing wrong with having a child for "selfish" reasons.

And you are not too old. I had my first at 37 and my second at 39.

I raised them into teenagehood on the other side of the world from their family. I created strong friendship groups. Some originated from school, others from sports clubs (where I made good friends too).

Yes, having family support is great. But not all people who have family have family support. A lot of them have quite the opposite- the family is a drain or an outright detriment.

Some of the most resilient and wonderful children I have met are the ones who don't have family but have learned to make, keep and treasure their friends. Falling back on family can make you lazy. I struggled to keep friendships as a child because I always had my cousins to socialise with. Now as an adult, only one of those cousins is there (although we are absolute best friends).

And if you have a few children, they will have each other and if they have children, THEIR children will be cousins.

Yes, I think I would only want one child. I am an only child and I feel very lonely and vulnerable without many relatives in adulthood. That is why I am worried for my potential only child. They might do better than me though, I know.

Oh, and the chances of a child losing BOTH parents is incredibly slim. Especially given that most time it would be an accident and the child would be there too. (Sorry if that's too morbid).

Don't overthink it. If you want a child have one.

It's the same for everyone, everything could go terribly wrong or everything could be amazing. But usually it's somewhere in between and 100% worth it.

They will do better, because every generation learns from the one before. You know what would have worked better for you growing up, maybe, and can do those things for your dc. Loads of successful adults are only children. One of my most confident friends at school was an only child, I have siblings, but was much more timid. The fact you're concerned about it speaks volumes, too. Your dc could have lots of friends, and as others have said, there are so many smaller families now; you aren't alone.

I have no family and all my DH family are at the other side of the world. We have 4 children now late teens early 20s. All grown up without cousins, grandparents. We are a very close family but have close friends too. Our kids have great social lives and socialise together. We have just spent the best weekend with them and their respective others. It really sounds as though you want a child OP would more than 1 be an option for you?

Yes, I think the self-fulfilling prophecy issue is a real risk here. Not having loads of extended family is fine, but a parent with an anxious and negative outlook overthinking every aspect of parenting is going to have an impact on a child, and create problems in itself.

Thread is really long so apologies if this has already been posted but if you’d like to explore the possibility of ASD, there is this:

https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

I am similar to you, OP, in that I feel like I might want kids (or well, a kid), but I have so many thoughts going ‘but what if…’. Such as a child with additional needs that I can’t handle, worries about giving birth, and probably it’s simply not cut and dry between Want Kids / Don’t Want Kids so it’s a struggle to decide such a massive decision. It’d be a lot nicer to be in one of the camps that definitely know one way or the other, but I have high anxiety so I tend to over worry and over think.

If I fell magically pregnant (not possible with male factor fertility issues so we’d need IVF), I’d be happy, but having to make a very conscious decision is not easy.

Your child could meet someone with a huge family and have a different life to one you've imagined. Or they could really enjoy having a quiet life.

I think I am in an impossible situation as both scenarios make me feel sad and anxious. If I have a child, I am sad and anxious about it not having much family. If I don't have a child, I am sad and anxious for myself not having much family. Both are horrible. But I think the responsible thing would be take the sadness and anxiety myself rather than potentially hand it to an innocent child.

I think I am also increasingly of the opinion that life is a long hard slog full of sadness and difficult situations and choices. I am not sure I should be bringing a child into the world.

@Starfish89

the world isn’t that bad OP! Just go for it if you want a baby! 😀

I think this is one of the saddest threads I've read in a long time, you are talking yourself out of a beautiful life!

Children are rarely brought in to a perfect world, but we all do our best and live with the joys and tragedies of life.

Imagine if people living through the pick any dark phase of history just decided to stop having babies - none of us would be here!

I would say do it but make sure you have at least 2 and preferably 3.

That's the problem though - I might not be able to have 2 or 3.

I agree, it is incredibly sad. I feel crushed with sadness. I am so so low about it all.

I'm going to echo a lot of others posters and say I think you are overthinking it.

Whose to say if you did have lots of family around you that the child would grow up any happier? Plenty of large families have frictions and limited contact between various family members.

All a child needs is loving parents. The rest come and go.

It's lovely for a child to get to grow up with siblings, close cousins, loving grandparents etc but it is not essential for a good life.

It just isn't.

You only live once. It would be a shame for you to miss out on something you want and care about because of this fear. At least, that's my view. This is too personal a decision for the view of internet strangers to matter much, I realise!

@Rainbowsponge

why?!?

@Starfish89

its not a problem though.
You’re looking for problems where there are none.

I really feel for you, thinking in this way. You are denying yourself something wonderful because of all the negative thoughts.
What about the positives of having a child? Stop thinking about all the 'what ifs' in a negative way. Imagine you having a child and you having such a wonderful bond, them growing up and making lots of friends at nursery and school, you making friends with nursery or school mums and going for play dates and birthday parties.

Stop worrying about things that don't really matter long term. The only reason your child could end up feeling sad or lonely is from your own negativity, and that is 100% in your control.

Look at speaking to a therapist before you make any big decisions. Otherwise you'll talk yourself out of something which we can all see you desperately want, because of your negative thinking.

It’s not sad. I think it’s great you are being realistic, rather than those who have children and think everything is going to be wonderful no matter what.

It does sound like you want a child to make you feel less lonely. What would you do if the child rejects you? You only have to look on here to see people going no contact with their parents, siblings, parents-in-law.

I really think you need to get yourself in order. What makes you happy? It doesn’t have to be anything grand. Concentrate on what would make you feel good most days - nothing is perfect after all.

There is a reason why people say don’t have children to save a relationship, that includes the relationship you have with yourself.

Well they’d go to nursery and play with children there, then go to school and play with children there, then go to clubs and play with children there, and have play dates and play with kids on the street and on mat leave you could maybe make mum friends and have play dates with them.

Hey OP, I was going to say we sound similar, but if really sounds as though you long for a child, so go for it!

I’ve never had the urge to have children, had a now or never feeling recently and I’m now pregnant at 42. I’m an only child, have no family near by and feel like I’m about to lose all of my current friends so feel very selfish / conflicted potentially bringing a child into the world.

I had the best childhood as an only, loads of friends, always out, never ever bored but it is a worry as an adult, and Christmas Day is fairly grim. I worry I’m inflicting that on someone else. I’m generally good at making friends, but v worried as an older parent, I’ll struggle etc. honestly you sound like you need to do this op, so go for it!

Good luck! You sound very caring and considerate, which are obviously great qualities for a parent.

It is so hard to know what to do for the best.

I agree. My mental health is terrible at the moment. My anxiety is through the roof and I spend most days under a constant fog and with a terrible tension headache.