To think I am doing the right thing not having children

[Starfish89]

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

How old are you OP?

I am just about to turn 38.

I know I am possibly too old to conceive even if I decided to. I have made a right mess of my life!

I agree. I just wish that social care was good enough that those of us without children could feel confident we could pay for good quality care in our later years.

My friend had her first baby at 37, and her sister had her second at 41. I will be honest if you want a dc you'll need to start soon. It isn't too late, yet. Honestly some older Mums are fitter, and healthier with more energy than younger ones!

I am quite fit and have a healthy bmi. I suppose those are in my favour a bit.

Snap! I'm 39 this year and am really sad that I've not had a baby. Feel like I've left it too late and I wish so much that I'd starting trying years ago, but I didn't really want a baby then and time just goes so fast. Everything that seemed important before, seems irrelevant now and I'm not sure what I was thinking in prioritising other things over trying for a baby. But then I think, if it was so important to me, then surely I would have done something about it sooner. Gosh, that felt good to get out! 😳

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice for you, other than you seem like me to be overthinking things a lot and maybe you should just go for it, see what happens and maybe that's your answer? 💐

I do think having a child could bring happiness to my life, however I have convinced myself that the child would be disabled and require life long care and that I would worry about them to my dying days. The reason for this is that it would ultimately be selfish for me to have a child and the 'universe' would respond by punishing me and my child.

Thank you. I am sorry to hear you are in the same position. May I ask, do you think you will try for a baby?

Yes, I honestly never even thought about it when I had them. It just feels comforting somehow, my parent lives on in them. It's crazy, dc2 has the exact same smile. Everything is more exciting, birthdays, halloween, Christmas, little traditions etc. I enjoy life so much more, than if they were not here. Honestly their little personalities are contagious. Dc1 is sen, it isn't a surprise really, as I am epileptic, and dh has autism, so some very excitable minds in my household. Dc1 is the one who has actually been amazing after my parents death, so supportive, and is the most sensible of the lot of us!
I also suffer from anxiety, but since the death and my dcs, I will do what suits me, and don't care as much about what others think! Having dcs sort of changes you, in the sense you'll do anything to protect them. It has made me stronger, and a better person. It has also made me realise that I can cope with a hell of a lot more than I gave myself credit for previously.
I think because you're questioning this so much, it is because you may want a dc op. Regrets are tough to live with. Can you be fully content with your decision if you don't try?

I don't know! I think that I'm better at giving advice than taking my own advice, even though I've been so upset this weekend by a pregnancy announcement.

For what it's worth, I don't think that the universe would punish you for being selfish. I think that it's perfectly possible that you would be able to have more than one child. I wonder if your indecision is because of your fears about having a baby and you're coming up with excuses for yourself to not try, and justifying to yourself that it's in the best interest of the child.

It's ok to not want children and it's ok to be scared about trying for a baby, it's a big decision and you don't know how it will turn out. But that's the thing with life, everything is a gamble and nothing is guaranteed.

'For what it's worth, I don't think that the universe would punish you for being selfish. I think that it's perfectly possible that you would be able to have more than one child. I wonder if your indecision is because you're not actually sure about having a baby and you're coming up with excuses for yourself to not try, and justifying to yourself that it's in the best interest of the child.'

I agree with this op. Dc1 asked me recently why I chose to have him. I told him it was because I wanted the shiniest star in the sky, and that he was the one I had chosen. Dc1 replied "Mummy thank you for choosing me, and making me born, it is just as well or I wouldn't be here."

So adorable 🥰

38 feels quite young to me. I was in my forties when I had both mine.

The fact that you're considering this so much from the POV of the unborn child tells me you'd be a great mum.

As other have said when you're conscious of what the child could be lacking you will be able to put in the extra effort to build the right network of people for him.

Society would benefit if more thoughtful people like you brought up children, because I bet that would be a loved, well supported child. You do also have time to have multiple children.

I was prepared to say it's ok if you don't want to have children but I don't think your circumstances are not right for having a child. Life is often unpredictable- bug families have rows and go nc, small families socialise more with friends whom they call family, etc.

Thank you. Part of me does think that the level of consideration I am giving this suggests I would be a good parent. I am a sensible, intelligent and considerate person. But is that enough? I don't know.

My friend is an only child of an only child single mum who died when she was 22.

She made her friends her family, is married with her own only child, and I think she has a worthwhile and happy life. I think she's glad to be here.

Why are you so focused on the negative possibilities? What if you both live to be 90? What if your child isn't lonely? What if he or she finds a lovely partner and has a long and happy marriage surrounded by love? What if you have 2 and they don't get along? What if .....?

Thank you everyone. I think I am now at the point where the lack of family is less of an issue for the child. It would be possible to forge connections outside of blood relations.

But my main worry now is having a severly disabled child. If they required life long care, who would look out for them once my partner and I are gone if they had no extended family? This is my greatest fear.

It's more than enough. Just do it.

Thank you for sharing this. I am not sure why I am so focused on the negatives, other than perhaps that is the way I have been raised. I think I have always thought it is best to look on tbe pessimistic side of life and assume the worst. Then if the best happens it's an unexpected bonus, if you see what I mean.

It's OK not to want children you know?

Oh yes, definitely. I understand that. And I absolutely know that the reasons I want children are all wrong - some to love me, so that I am not all alone in my old age etc. To 'fit in' with society more, to meet new people through my children etc. None of it is right, and deep down I know that, but it doesn't stop the longing.

Op hasn't said she doesn't want dcs, she is conflicted. If anything it sounds like she does want them, and is finding reasons why she shouldn't due to fear.

Sorry op, but from what you have said I'd say you do want them deep down, and it is just being a bit scared that is holding you back. Everybody who has dcs are scared, and selfish, of course. I had children because I had an urge to have a baby, the biological urge people talk about. I got broody seeing babies, and young dcs, and wanted a little mixed version of me, and dh. I thought it would be an amazing experience, and I wanted to read them bedtime stories, do the tooth fairy, santa, baking, crafts and all of the fun stuff. If I could go back I would make this selfish decision again. I am fitter than i was in my 20s, and genuinely believe my health is better for it as well, as well as having my life enriched by these 2 incredible little people.

Absolute knobheads have kids OP. And they don’t think about it for a second. You’ll be grand.

What steps are you taking to address the causes of your underlying mental health issue (which sounds like chronic anxiety)? Because this level of over-thinking, gnawing away at ideas, finding multiple negative what-if scenarios, it cannot be good for you.