To think I am doing the right thing not having children

[Starfish89]

Looking for some advice / reassurance please.

I am in my late 30s and as far as I know, am still capable of a pregnancy. I am in a relationship. We have been together a couple of years. We would both like a child, but we have no extended family. Parents are either not in great health, or are enjoying their retirement and don't seem very child orientated. Neither of us have brothers or sisters, or close friends with children.

I am worried that our child would have a very lonely life, and also I think I would never stop worrying about what would happen to them if we died before they were an adult. I just don't think it would be morally right to bring them into the world to have no family beyond us.

It makes me really sad though. I feel the reason I can't offer them a good life is outside of my control. I think I am a caring and considerate type of person, and that I would be a good parent. It is just the lack of family for the child. I don't think it would be fair on them. Do you agree?

I don't really know what to do with my life if I do not have a child, and I worry about being all alone one day with no blood relatives. But I don't think those are good enough reasons to bring a child into the world. I think I might just instead focus on making strong friendships and trying to do a bit of good with my remaining time on earth (charity work etc). Is that the best plan?

Thank you for any advice.

I don’t think lack of extended family is a significant barrier to having a child. I have family, but they are barely a part of my or my child’s life because they come with all sorts of baggage.

if Something happens to you, a friend may be the best caregiver, even if you have family available.

You are thinking too much on the “ what ifs” .
The chances of all these what ifs happening is slim.

my children do have aunts and uncles but I wouldn’t have my children go into their care if anything happened to us. reasons being some are irresponsible, wouldn’t want the responsibility or they live too far away.They would have gone to a friend, my best friend, who I met through a baby massage class.

if we all lived thinking of the what ifs we no one would have any children.

I would like a child. The thought of not having one makes me extremely sad. But I think I need to put more thought into why that is. I think a lot of it is tied up with thinking I will be alone without family if I do not have one and that I will be a failure.

Your kids will have their own friends and you'll make mum friends. How do you think people go on who move abroad? Their kids don't sit in solitude! 😂

You both want a child. There's no debate there and it sounds like you're in a stable relationship and have a home and finances. Just stop contraception and see what happens. Don't forget to take folic acid. It's so important to build a support network and not try and do it by yourselves. It doesn't have to be family though. On a side note, the grandparents might be more involved than you think.

I have read threads on here though from people who have children and no extended family and they do share my concerns. There was someone who said they developed severe health anxiety because of a fear of dying and leaving the child alone.

I grew up with no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins.....

To be honest, no, I didn't. I grew up feeling jealous of some of my friends with grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, but not in a "this is ruining my life" kind of way. And I wasn't scared becuase my mum's best friend, my godmother, was 100% the person who would take us on if something happened to our parents. We all knew that.

I think you and your DP both sound like you really do want a child. Which also means you will prioritise creating a new community for your child. We have siblings and familiy and we love them and they are great, but truthfully, my true "community" is not them. It's the one I've built.

No one is going to thank you for not having a child. Don't martyr yourself for someone who doesn't exist - chances are you'll look back in 10 years and wonder what you were thinking.

Also - having kids is selfish, yes, in the sense that the only reason to have them is because you want them. It's also selfless - you are saying "ok, I've spent enough of my life on myself. Time to raise a new person/to devote myself to teaching them and helping them through their life." If you do it right, that new person is going to be able to find the beauty in how they were raised.

I lost a parent at 19. It was very sad, and of course had a big impact on my life - but my life went on, and I coped largely because of the love and guidance he & my mum put in to raising me.

How you raise a child - the values, life skills, love you surround them with will have the biggest impact on how they live their lives and manage in adversity, whether you are there for the whole journey or only part of it.

Children don’t grow up worrying about what’s going to happen to their parents - unless the seed of doubt is planted, probably by an anxious parent.

Like anything, there’s only so much you can control with becoming a parent - you can only manage what you can manage and the rest you just have to go with. You and your partner might live to 90 - how would you feel if you’d decided not to go for it for fear of what might or might not happen?

Thanks again. I actually think I am more confused now! I was quite sure you were all going to say I shouldn't have a child.

I would feel very sad. I hate the thought of us being old people with no family. But I also hate the thought of a child or young adult with no family (should anything happen to us). Both scenarios make me very upset.

@Starfish89

it sounds a bit like you’re making excuses to justify not having a child because deep down you don’t really, really want one. Which is absolutely fine! It’s fine to not have kids and no one needs to have a specific reason to be childfree to justify it to others or themself!

I need to unpack exactly why it is I want a child. I don't think to keep me company / have someone to care about me in my old age is good enough.

You might be right. I don't think I really want the day to day effort of parenting, but I would be quite happy to put the effort in for the reward of having family - especially for when I am older.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the child not having children to grow up with because children make friends, you make friends at baby groups, they make friends at nursery and then at school, they will have children to grow up with.

My biggest worry if I was you would be a lack of support, and not having a “village” to help you and your child. I have a 4 month old baby at the moment and although me and my husband have an incredibly strong relationship and we are absolutely partners, he is an amazing husband and dad to our baby, I really don’t know what we would have done without my parents, my grandparents, my sister and our close friends especially in those early days. Obviously I do appreciate lots of people manage it without that support, but personally I would have found it incredibly difficult to get through the first few weeks especially without my mum. They all looked after me and my husband so that we could look after our baby, and they still do now. They help fill my cup up so that I am able to pour everything I have into being the best mother I can be, it would be really difficult without them.

Nobody altruistically has children, you don't need to have a reason beyond wanting children to have them! You both want a child, can afford it so have one, or two or 6 if you want.
We have family around, but modern life means we don't see them constantly, everyones working full time and has their own family unit, friends and other family to catch up with. Plenty of people have children without family support too, your child would be just fine. They will meet plenty of friends, can have a partner and their own family as they get older too.

I think you are making the right decision personally. It sounds like it’s something you would be constantly worried about, and almost become a self fulfilling prophecy. I think you should look at ways to embrace being child free, I think you’d have a much better life than the constant worry.

Thank you. My own Mum is disabled. My Dad is her carer. There's no way they could help, so that is a very valid point.

I think you are right. I can see me developing health anxiety. Thinking that I am going to get cancer or something else awful and leave my child alone. I also suffer from OCD, as well as (as this thread has exposed) anxiety. I don't think they go well with parenting.

I think perhaps I should give my life to community / charity work etc and hope I build a family like community around myself that way.

Then don't take the chance.

Immigrants have children in these circumstances. Not everybody has the luxury of having close family nearby. I don't.

. Oh, just saw you suffer from health anxiety. In that case, perhaps not.

Not a criticism OP but it does sound a little like you see a child as an antidote to future loneliness.

Don’t get me wrong if you want children then don’t let that stop you, I appreciate that lots of women manage without having other people to support them, but it’s definitely something to think about.

It makes a huge difference having that kind of support on hand so that when you’re recovering, sleep deprived etc somebody else can hold your baby while you get some sleep, somebody else can do your food shop for you, cook your meals, help you have a shower etc. Friends are great and we also have some amazing friends but they all have their own relationships, family, jobs, commitments etc and can’t commit that kind of time & care which is totally understandable. Friends tend to want to come hold the baby and have a cuddle, which is lovely, but as a brand new mum what I really needed wasn’t someone to hold my baby I needed somebody to hold me and help me so that I could focus on motherhood.

If you feel you have friends who can/will be your “village” then that’s great, or if not then I know lots of people manage without one but it must be really difficult.