Help. Just found out dh having affair. How do I confront him?

[Rocketman2]

I want to confront him but how. I don’t want him to weezle out of it.

I feel sick. I can’t wait and sleep on it as I’m going to not be able to contain it. I’m visibly shaking and keep thinking I’m going to be sick.

it’s got to be today. Omg my heart is broken

I'm really sorry you're going through this. How did you find out? Do you have kids? How is your financial position? How do you think he'll react? That all informs how to approach it.

I don’t work. He works and is an incredibly high earner.

I found messages on my phone but had suspected it

Messages on your phone? Have you screen shotted/ got photos of as proof that you can confront him with. Is it definite affair or could be soemtheing else/ soemthing he could talk himself out of?

The better thing to do is get finances in order, see a solicitor, get a job urgently, then divorce. Give him as much regard as he's given you. Cold, disinterested and dismissive. Confronting him won't do anything.

Get all financial statements first, do you have a joint account? As much as it may be painful to wait if you are going to divorce be aware many people hide financial stuff. I mean if he is capable of lying about an affair then he is capable of moving stuff about.

I agree with @ActualChips , play your cards close to your chest and don't bother confronting. What would it actually achieve? He may deny or he may confess, either way you're going to have to build a new life. I am sorry.

i wouldn’t focus on the “confronting”

i would be squirrelling away in the background getting everything sorted so that when i do leave him… I have everything sorted my end

how long together?
any children?

Play the long game. Don’t confront him yet.
Stay cool OP whilst you gather and copy evidence. Maybe see a solicitor
THEN …..
when there is nothing to distract him, other people around and all is quiet, zap him with it! Watch the colour drain from his face.

Without legal facts and your evidence to show him you are clutching at straws. Get hard evidence to hand. That is key. Go for the jugular!

Are you sure it's definitely an affair?
I disagree about not confronting him - you need to talk.
Only with facts can you then make decisions on what your future looks like.
Don't rush decisions, think about what is best for you

Are you completely financially dependent on him?

Don't confront him, it will give him a great excuse to start a huge argument and then just walk out. This is what my exh did.
Be clever. Check out all the finances get salary and bonus figures, get pension figures, photocopy everything and then when you are ready for a divorce if it goes that far confront him.
Don't give him a chance to hide anything.

I feel for you and can imagine you’re shaking and feel sick. However, take deep breaths, stay cool (not easy) and do as others have advised. I confronted immediately, he denied and denied and then proceeded to make it difficult for me to get money when the time came.

pretend to be ill or something so you don’t have to be around him too much and get to work on the money side of things whilst he’s blissfully unaware.

i wish you all the luck in the world x

Breathe op.
Don't do anything yet, can you give us a few more details of where you're at?
Do you want to end it?
Do you have children? Young or older?
Do you own a house?
Mortgage in joint names?
Did you end a career which you could step back into?

What do you mean you ‘found’ messages on your phone?

You don’t generally ‘find’ messages on your own phone-they are just sent to you. Who by? Do you mean the person your husband is having an affair with has told you by text?

You say you don’t work-is that because you have kids? How old are they? I would be looking at getting back to work and regaining some financial independence asap.

Sorry. I’m not making sense. I found messages on HIS phone and photographed them. There were 700 of them but I only photographed the last couple of days as ran out of time before I heard him coming out of shower

the messages confirm affair

Don’t confront him now. Get your ducks in a row first. Bide your time. Get photos of the rest of the messages and copies of important documents.

irrelevant to what you need to focus on now

although you can be honest with us… you were actively looking rather than “found” presumably because you were suspicious

how long together and any children?

Great advice on here op. Mumsnet at its best.

Did You have suspicions that led you to check his phone?

I would present him with the evidence and tell him that you know. Asking him provides an opportunity to lie. Tell him.

Have you got children? Regardless, I would now make an appointment to see a solicitor. Find out what your entitlement is.

Then consider what you want to do. For most people like myself, an affair is a dealbreaker, but some couples work through it depending on the response of the partner, so I wouldn’t presume to tell you what to decide.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Not having a dig, but genuinely, can anyone tell me the point of living like this?

So you deliberately checked his phone, why?

OK deep breaths OP. Let us try to help you. If you can give us a picture of where you are in terms of
Are there children?
Do you own or rent?
Joint mortgage?
Do you have friends or family that you can confide in and lean on for support?
Can you look into getting back into employment?
Can you gather together details of his earnings / pensions/ assets etc?
Gather together mortgage details if applicable.
Do you have access to joint/ his accounts ?
If you've got irrefutable evidence that he's cheating the next stage has to be keeping your powder dry until you have ducks in a row and have sought legal advice re a divorce.
Quietly gather as much paperwork as you can re the financials/ assets / property / marriage certificate/ passports etc

This.

If you cannot face him now, go out on some errand. Have a migraine, go to bed early and sleep in the spare room later. Find a close friend to confide in today - in real life - and book to speak to a solicitor tomorrow. Do not give him the heads up that you know until you know where you stand financially and know what you are going to do and have the legal process started.

Then change the locks, pack his bags, withdraw all funds from any joint savings accounts etc and serve him with divorce papers on the same morning.

@Edingril wtf ?